Alone.

Excuse the paragraphs if its too long I am terribly sorry. I just need to get this out before it eats me alive. I dont know how people would feel about me afterwards but whatever happens will happen.
Hello. Im 16 years old and I started hurting myself when I was 13.
I had friends as a kid. My family was okay and everything seemed well. Though in the 5th grade thats when I really started to think about things about people. Thats when I started to see people as liars and fakes. Everyone was a liar and I couldnt trust anyone.
When I entered middle school I was terrified because I just moved and the whole new school thing was hard to process and I didnt know anyone. I felt like I lost all my friends. I cried the first week because I was so terrified pathetic right? Eventually I made the wrong kind of friends. The type that talk about sex and drugs way too much. I was leeching off their lives I guess to feel like I was apart of something. My parents would always yell at me and put me down. ‘Instead of drawing that ugly crap why dont you worry about your grades.’ I had to bottle up all my negative emotions to the point it became unbearable I just reached for the blade. They were small but they hurt so it was enough for me. I felt alone and empty.
7th grade came and I cut off those old friends. I was just that dark and depressing girl that sat alone in the morning. My grades were dropping and I couldnt go a day without wearing black. My mom found out about my cutting and yelled at me so it forced me to stop but it never stopped these negative thoughts that I kept thinking. It took awhile until I made a decent friend. A real friend I was able to laugh and really smile with. Eventually I met the people that saved me from that dark hole of despair. They dont even know how much their friendship ment to me. I felt joy again and I felt like I had to do something for them in return for all the kindness they’ve given me. So I would always be there for them as much as I could. I didnt want to tell them about what was going on in my head because I wanted to keep the memories we shared bright.
8th grade my friends and I were all separated and my parents noticed the grades were dropping so there was a lot of pressure. I kept having these negative thoughts going through my head. I was giving up on the world again. I was always thinking ‘We’re all going to die so whats the point.’ The cutting was starting up again and there were more cuts this time deeper. Whenever I didnt have a razor I would scratch my skin off til it burned. I tried to do it so I wouldnt leave scars. When middle school ended it was emotional but you know we all kept our smiles and went our way.
During Freshie year through summer I was always getting yelled at by my parents because apparently I had a terrible attitude and my grades were slipping. I couldnt tell them about what was going on in my head because they would say its a ‘phase’ like they always did. My anxiety was starting to act up. I would have these random nights where I would just ball my eyes out and cut. I hated everything. My parents were extremely critical at the time and they would pick at those little flaws I had. I still was open to hear out my friends problems instead of my own but those things my parents said really effected me. I felt like I had no one to turn to so I took it out on my wrists and my legs. I was afraid of telling my friends because I didnt want to ruin the happy memories we all shared. I couldnt tell my parents anything because if I did they would just keep yelling. I had a friend that I talked to and he made me promise to text him whenever I started cutting but that promise died off quick. I felt like filth and I was even starting to have these ‘If I didnt exist’ notions. I felt like a burden to everyone like it wouldnt matter if I didnt exist. I just bottled up those feelings when I would be around my friends.
Sophmore year [aka this year] I had a bad start terrible grades. I cried the first few weeks because I was scared of going back. I couldnt tell anyone how I felt and when I did I would be afraid of going back to them for help. No matter how many people reassured me and told me it was okay to reach out to them I still held back. I kept my feelings hidden for so long and I was growing tired of living. I just wanted to die but I didnt want to be brought back if I was going to do it. These negative thoughts just overwhelmed me to the point I just cried at school. My mom was called in and we had a talk with someone. During the whole conversation I could not stop crying. When the lady kept complimenting me I cried even more. She kept saying ‘You’re a very strong girl but you have to let go or you’ll break.’
I’m still afraid because people are going to judge and people are going to lie even me. Im afraid of a lot of things to be honest. Im afraid of failing in the future. Im afraid of new people. Im afraid of kindness. Im afraid of some of my friends commiting suicide. But most of all Im afraid of my own mind. Being your own worst enemy. Im still struggling to live on the butterflies keep me sain. Im still having a hard time opening up but some day I know I’ll be able to live in a brighter world.