People keep repeating the same gruelingly clichè line to me. It’s starting to sound like a droning buzz in my ear that I can’t swat away. They tell me to live. To live because, “things get better”. What gets better? Honestly, what ever gets better? Sure, a few good things happen once in a blue moon, but to get better would mean things have to change. I’ve tried to change things myself and it was hopeless. Change….it doesn’t happen either. People *don’t* change. Things *don’t* change. They keep feeding me these bullshit fairytales. I’m 18. I have a brain that has developed more than that of a ten year old and I can differentiate lies from truth. I’m sorry to burst anyone’s bubble, but saying those things don’t help. We live in a cruel world. The only thing I find solace in is nature. Something about it speaks to me. It’s serene, and it doesn’t scar you or break you down. Nature doesn’t judge you. It doesn’t leave you. It doesn’t ignore you. It’s just there, and it’s beautiful. I feel as if it breathes me in. I woke up for the past 2 years with the weight of an elephant on my chest. That weight is depression. It drains me completely and turns me into this zombie that only sees darkness. To make matters worse, my parents keep reminding me, taunting me, with memories of the girl I used to be. “You used to light up a room. What happened to our Bri?” If I knew, I’d get her back in a heartbeat, but I can’t. So, I go about my day hoping no one notices how cynical I’ve become. I only see the bad in things. It’s like everything died when I became this person. I’ve had an eating disorder for awhile, and it’s an everyday battle. I’m not sure why I don’t give into it. I have so many times. It consumes me along with the depression, ultimately, making my brain feel like a battlefield. I don’t know how much longer until I’m gone. But I know *I’ve* been gone for years.
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It sounds like you should go walkabouts and get back into touch with nature. Maybe there you’ll find bri.
I know what you mean. “Things will get better.”
Makes me want to puke rolling those words in my head.
I might go throw up now.
Lots of people say that. Even people who claim to have overcome depression. I don’t know if it’s true.
I know things won’t ever get better, and people will never change. But maybe, just maybe, I’ll feel better about it someday.
But to be honest, if it’s true that what doesn’t kill you only makes you stronger, then I’m two attempts stronger this year, maybe going on three. I’m tired of this place. Tired of people, their pathetic lives. Tired of friendships and their pathetic foibles I thought I abandoned with highschool. Tired of my own pathetic life, where I can’t make anything matter even when I know some things should (I know that people out there care about me, whatever that means).
I guess what I’m trying to say is (without hopefully sounding too obsessed with myself) is that I think I understand you, and I hope that makes you feel better.
People spend their whole lives striving for meaning, only to die afterwards. I know I’ll never have that kind of meaning. The best I can do is try to make things as simple as possible. Oblivion gives people freedom they could never have in life, the freedom to depart from reality. Freedom from emotion and thought.
If you need someone to talk to (I don’t know if you can private message on this site), I’ll be happy to share IM details. I guess I feel like I could use someone to talk to who understands me as well.
@Engie-Yeah, that’d be lovely. Most people don’t understand how I think, hell, I don’t even really understand how I think, but I’m glad someone does.
OK I’m gonna do it. Sure hope I don’t get spammed (cue the jinx).
You can get me on windows live with I_am_a_godly_chicken@yahoo.com.au.
Or AIM with godlychickenbot. I’ll be online over the weekend. I’m on Perth (Australia) time.
I can’t chat right now, but hopefully, will get a chance to chat over the weekend.
Okay. We’ll talk, for sure. Thanks again. I copied everything down. My email is woodlandeyes@yahoo *dot* com.
I’m so sick of people who think that because you don’t “light up a room” all the time that there’s something wrong. Sometimes there isn’t. Sometimes, people just need to have understanding and compassion. People too often try to resist the notions of suicide in an attempt to thwart it. Why? I think that rather than telling “suicidal” people “it’ll just get better,” maybe those optimistic folks should have an actual conversation with the said suicidal people? See why they want to commit suicide? Or just be decent people? It’s sickening how stupid so-called “normal” people are.
I agree. I don’t expect people that aren’t suicidal to understand, but telling us “it will get better”, seems like the go-to phrase to shut us up. If they don’t understand, try to understand. Or at least figure out what’s been eating at the person that’s suicidal. I really despise when people think putting in their two cents about how “cowardly” and “selfish” suicide is, is beneficial in any way, shape, or form. I think some people just like to hear themself talk, and be the “hero”. And they may hear what you are saying, but they aren’t actually listening. In the end, it makes things worse. A conversation that isn’t based around why I’m not who I should be/used to be, would be the simplest, nicest thing my friends, sisters, or parents could do, but instead I get lectures. But, it’s true. I guess because I’m not cheering up others, I must be depressed or something must be wrong. And there is, but that shouldn’t have been the first sign. It should have been when I tried to talk to various family members about what was wrong and they ignored me.
It doesn’t get better. It gets different. Sometimes “the different” is just a tiny less painful than life previously and the suicide option decreases. My hope to you is that your life gets a little different in the future to make it more bareable. xoxo RK