I really wanted to leave. But I didnt. I just lay here in my bed crying, curled up in a ball. Which is how I spend most of my days, actually.
I texted my only friend. I dont know why. The conclusion of that conversation was that she didn’t want to be friends with me anymore. There were various reasons: I’m selfish. I live in my own world. I have a lack of respect. I treat people like shit.
Thoe all sound like very legit reasons. I just spend the last hour making sure I absolutely have no contact with the outside world whatsoever except for this site.
I feel worse now. I want to kill myself more. For fucks sake. I want to die. I want to die. Why cant I just get out of bed to go and kill myself already.
Every time Im on the edge, but dont act on it I just hate myself more. Im so repulsed by myself. I am so disgusting.
Maybe I dont even deserve death though.
I kept on telling myself I was not worthy of living. But maybe its the other way around: maybe I’m not worthy of death. I live a miserable life. Miserable as fuck. And that is all I deserve. I dont deserve freedom. I dont deserve peace.
All I deserve is this. Being here. Miserable as fuck.