hey..

Hey = Hey there

Listen my friend. There is a reason – probably many – for why you cut. You named a lot of reasons that likely contribute to your pain esp at home, where you should be able to find refuge and seek comfort. I too, was bullied by a “litter” of siblings. There were 8 of us.

Like you, I was told I was a whore among other things such as pot head (never smoked it – I slept all the time because I was depressed). Loser. In need of tough love (yeah my mom was a abusive alcoholic and picked me as her target once everyone moved out.)

So I get what you mean about the self loathing.

Later in life – much later – I would do things to hurt myself when people got mad at me. Like family or my husband.

I cut. It releases endorphins. The feel good hormone. This is why some of us seek it out to relieve the burden of undeserved shame we haul around.
takes your mind off what ever is attacking your self esteem for a little bit. The endorphins are a feel good hormone released by your body to feel good. A way of trying to help you stay in the game you would prefer not to be involved in: the shit you have been handed. So you feel terrible and listen to the negative tapes others have handed you. It becomes part of your way of thinking. Round and round it goes – so you punish yourself to atone for the negative shit said about you by cutting. It serves a few purposes: you punish yourself for others and clean out all the bad (think of punishment as a kid – spanking or time out….you felt bad and were punished and it crushed you as a kid…but man did it feel better in a sick way when mom would let you out of the corner and seemingly LOVE you again w a hug). The endorphin part – hey it happened with kids who were beaten or spanked as well. Pain releases endorphins. Some people carry a fetish of being beaten later in life to ATONE for the failures people shove at them.

It becomes and addiction to endorphins. Your own world where you hate yourself for others with the negative BS you replay in your head. The addiction to cleaning the slate by punishing yourself and the resulting release of endorphins to atone for the hurt. The endorphins are a part of the reward sytem to the brain leading to addiction of cutting.

It is as you say: you think about all the crap they have said and done while you cut. Cutting punishes you for feeling like a failure on THEIR behalf – you may do it primarily to appease the “GODS” meaning those who hold this bullshit negativity over your head. Pretty soon that negative tape becomes part of you and you replay it as though it were your own thoughts. You heard it so many times it MUST be true – am I close to the truth?

So punish yourself even in private. You atone for your wrongs. The endorphins rush in and alleviate the pain for a short bit and you feel better because you PAID for your so called imperfections and paid for crimes you NEVER FUCKING DID that you have been accused of.

On the note of endorphins – they are part of the addiction model. Compulsory if you think about it. After a time, cutting becomes an addictiyon and you may become dependent on it for emotional release. How can you tell anyone right? It must seem gross to others but makes some sense to you.

You know – if you were very physically active and ran track it could be you prefer physical pain over emotional pain. Hence could be part of the reason you cut. But only part of it. Creative? Well if you are an artist of sorts it means you feel pretty deeply being that artistry comes from the right side dominant part of the brain.

Maybe those you are hurt by are the ones who can’t think creatively and have to put you down. They dont GET IT

Tattoos are a form of scarification. I have them. They hurt to get but when those endorphins roll in….I feel better. Same with piercings. They can become addictive. IE the endorphins. Not all tattoos mean people are punishing themselves but the endorphin effect can be strong making people a candidate to seek more tats.

Tattoos are a roadmap of your life. Things you do not want to remember and things you left behind or left you.

Cutting – same thing. They show where you were and what you felt. No shame in that for real.

My guess is you want help. It takes an enormous amount of courage to seek it for fear of being locked up, judged, being abused MORE.

You need courage, strength & support from others who understand. Please trust someone in a position to truly actively listen and assist you to stop this so you can learn to care about yourself again.

I dont want you to hurt yourself for others to appease these supposed wrongs you have done. It has likely become a habit or addiction. The good news is that you can get someone to help you stop in a positive understanding manner.