It’s raining

When it rains it always brings feelings back to me. I like the rain, no matter how cold it is outside, no matter hot it is. It is dark now and my window is open I am listening to the rain and I am crying. My husband sits in his tv room and readying himself for work. I want to run outside in my underwear and t-shirt, lay on my back on the wet grass and just let the raindrops pelt off my face. But….the embarrassment would be too great for my husband to handle and he’d drag me in scolding me telling me I’m acting like a fool. I know I am an embarrassment and I feel I’m being corrected all the time. All my ideas suck lately and I always back down, apologise to prevent from feeling humiliated. Even though I may be only perceiving  persecution I just can’t separate those thoughts in my mind. though I do believe I need to be on my best behavior or I will truly embarrass someone or told to hush. I hate myself. I guess I’m just too old to change. Maybe to go is the best idea of all then everyone will fially be happy.