I stumbled upon this site on accident, as I’m sure a lot of users have. Â After spending a good hour reading through older posts I decided that maybe it was a good idea to share my own story. Before I do though, I would like to request that I don’t get any of those standard responses that you see on most forums. I really don’t want to hear about how selfish I am, or how things will magically get better one day – no offense, but none of you know me and you can’t rightfully say anything about my lifestyle choices. Isn’t the internet grand?
Anyway, without typing out a novel, I will tell you that I have been suffering from major depression for as long as I can remember. When I was younger, I was prescribed a cocktail of drugs that did nothing more than slightly numb the pain of living, but none of them ever properly did their job. After my first suicide attempt at the age of sixteen, I was pulled from medication and temporarily institutionalized. It was clear that the doctors at that particular facility saw me as nothing more than another pay check, because I quickly convinced them that everything was fine and they sent me on my way. Since then, I have tried two other times to off myself – but really, in retrospect, only one of them was a serious attempt. I guess what I’m trying to say is that I’m no stranger to the game.
I’ve come here today because I can feel that familiar weight pressing down on me. I think that, at 24 years old, all of the bullshit has finally caught up with me in life. If you asked me whether or not I was depressed, I would honestly answer with a ‘no.’ Depression doesn’t even begin to explain how I feel. Despair is close…but still not quite right. Every waking moment of my life is spent being miserable, I can’t help it. I can’t even remember the last time I truly experienced happiness.
I’m extremely worried (yes, worried) that I might kill myself tonight. It’s become a sort of mantra in my life – every day, like clockwork, I tell myself that today is going to be the day. Today will be the day that I finally step off that ledge. But I never really go through with it, obviously. The idea of dying terrifies me – but I honestly can’t stand the pain of living any longer. At this point it really seems like the only viable alternative.
They say that killing yourself is selfish because it hurts everyone around you. Well, that can’t possibly be the case for me. I live alone, I don’t have any family (at least none that cares), and within the last year I have pushed every single friend out of my life. I go weeks without seeing anybody at all and when I do it all feels so pretentious that it makes me sick to my stomach. Nobody knows what’s going on inside my head because nobody knows me. I’ve forced myself into isolation and now I can’t get out.
I need help, I know this. I don’t want to kill myself, I don’t want to die…but a huge part of me knows that it’s going to happen. I don’t want to live any more, that’s for sure. I kept holding on because somebody once told me that things would get better, but I can’t wait any longer. I just don’t know what to do.
As stated in the title, I don’t know what I’m hoping to achieve here. I just thought that maybe it would be nice if somebody out there got the chance to hear me for once….just one last time. This is probably the last anybody will ever hear from me…I don’t use FB, I have nobody to call…
I don’t know. Maybe this is what’s selfish. Sitting here and wasting your time by making you read this pointless post. So for that I’ll wrap it up. Hopefully this feeling will fade in the evening and I’ll still be here tomorrow, but really, if I’m not, that just might be for the best.
4 comments
I have no inspiring words to share, no great thoughts of wisdom. What I do have though, is the ability to say I DO understand your pain. I just stumbled on this site as well, since I too am thinking of dying constantly, I planned on today being the day I died. I knew it for sure last night. But I am still here and I don’t know why….
I believe your voice is deserved to be heard, even if by your own ears. Record a voice memo on your phone. Spill out your thoughts in word. Talk to a “higher” being if you believe in that.
You can email me or kik if you would like to talk or just to vent. Please know that I care and ‘you are not alone’
It is definitely comforting to know that there are people who feel the same way I do. A part of me knows that there has to be people out there who are going through the exact same thing, but sometimes it gets hard to see outside of the dark shell you’ve surrounded yourself with.
I can relate to that a lot. I constantly THINK about killing myself but I never actually do. I’m not even really sure why; I don’t chicken out, because I never really get to the point of doing it. I don’t think it’s a lack of motivation, or that the urge isn’t even strong enough (because, believe me, it sure FEELS strong enough) but for some reason I just…don’t.
I really appreciate you taking the time to comment. Already I feel as though what I was feeling earlier is going to pass (I swear my mood swings are just ridiculous sometimes) but I feel as though it did help a bit to vent. I think I’ll stick around this community for a while and try to stay active. In a morbid way it helps.
I could have written that post! I keep wondering if there is just something wrong in my brain, if some chemical is out of whack or some synapses aren’t firing properly! There has to be a reason why I am the way I am, there doesn’t seem to be a whole hell of a lot of reasons why otherwise! But here I am, once again, thinking “just do it” because once again I’m thinking “what’s the point?! Nothing changes, nothing gets better, for every positive step forward I make I stumble back 5!”. Honestly I’m exhausted of trying to find happiness!! But death terrifies me. Yet I feel like its inevitable. And it is strangely comforting knowing I’m not almond in that! Ha, I don’t know what I want to achieve with this post! I guess just a nod of acceptance, of similarity, and of knowing x
Don’t know where “almond” came from, was meant to say “alone”!!