Since I can never manage to kill myself during a manic episode I figured setting a date would make things much easier.
Still didnt really decide between hanging or jumping in front of the train yet. I am forever in doubt about everything.
It didnt really make things easier though.
Since I woke up this morning I felt weird. I felt this feeling of determination and at the same time doubt.
My mood has jumped from wanting-to-slice-my-own-throat-bad to happy. It seemed to happen more often than usual. I was pretty set on hanging. Then somewhere during the day my anxiety kicked in and I felt too low to go outside of the house to kill myself – this is pathetic.
During the afternoon there have been many occassions I was ready to leave my house. But I didnt.
Why didnt I?
It’s probably my fear of failing. My fear of failing prevents me from doing it at all. I dont know what I should do if I fail.
Why do I enjoy being a pathetic **** so much? Im pathetic. Pathetic. Scum. Trash. Filth. Â Disgusting.
For fucks sake.
Fuck. oke. Fuck it. I am going to leave to the trainstation right now. And for fucks sake I hope I can for once in my life find the courage to finish something.