waiting

am i falling apart? i swear it feels like it. my sexuality confuses me, my relationship is going down the toilet and so is life, im struggling in school and no one seems to care.  ive thought about suicide for the last 3 days. ive writtern my note saying goodbye and now im just sitting here waiting. waiting for something to push me over the edge and kill me. i feel like im having a never ending break down. i cry everyday for more then 6 hours, i havent eaten for over 3 days, i have had 10 hours sleep in the last week. i should be on the floor from excaustion. i shouldnt even have the engery to get out to bed, type this post, move. im waiting. why can i be happy, why cant i just have a happy relationship. why must i go through and and back over and over again. why? i wrote this book not long ago. it was about a girl who went through so much in her like she couldnt take it anymore so she planned to kill herself the night before her bday. she did something special for 7 days before her bday then the night before her bday at midnight she stabbed herself in the bathroom. the book was just a fantasy at first. a mix of my feeling and my pain. i wrote that 3 months ago and all ive wanted is to make that fantasy a reality. im just waiting for the right time, waiting for something to push me over the edge, or waiting for hope.