Running away

I need to stop running away from all my problems. It’s not like they’ll disappear if I turn my eyes away. They’ll just keep building up and up until it not only affects me but everyone else in my life… But, that’s so much easier said than done.

I don’t talk to anyone anymore–what few “friends” I had, my family…no one. I’ll send the rare text from time to time to let them know I’m alive, but…if they try to start a conversation or call me I just ignore it. I don’t know how to face them anymore. I’m so disappointed with myself and what my life has come to be that…I’d…rather not see them. I see my friends and how bright their current lives are and how sure they are of the future……and even though I feel happy for them, at the same time I get this tight knot in my chest that makes it hard to breathe. Jealousy? Despair? Probably both. I know they have their own shit to deal with and yet…they have people they can rely on. Those people I call my friends…I am not that close to. We hardly know anything about each other, and yet if asked we’d both agree that “we are friends”. What a stretched definition friendship has. My family? To see how they keep having high expectations from me…? …it’s thanks to that pressure and my own cowardice that I’m where I am now. I can’t…face them.

Senior year of college and I am nowhere close to graduating. Ask me what major I am? I can’t give you a straight answer. Due to my parents’ persistance, I stuck with a major I found myself vastly uninterested in for two years. I had a breakdown at the end of that second year, and 3rd year made up for it with classes I had some interest in…and yet I still didn’t know what major to switch to. The classes for that major were very specific; it made switching hard. Now I…don’t know what to do anymore, and it’s my 4th year. New people I meet ask me what year I’m in? I lie and say I’m “a Junior in such and such.” I’m taking classes meant for freshmen in order to see if I can now graduate in another major with just one extra year, but…with my avoidant personality at it’s all time high my grades are complete and utter shit. Now it’s time to register for new classes…but I haven’t even scheduled an appointment with my old advisor because…I swore I’d never see him again. I want to drop out of college for now, but I know I’ll never forgive myself if I do.

People have told me that “It’s not the end of the world.” “You can still make it, there’s life after college.”

And what they say is true. I know that. Yet even though I know that, I can’t bring myself to believe it. No matter how far I try to imagine my life afterwards…I can’t see a thing. I don’t even have a vague grasp of what kind of future I’d have.

“No one knows how things will turn out.” – It’s true, but not even that semblance of hope can keep me going anymore.

I regard myself as a complete waste of time and space. Dreams and goals? All of them are shot.

“Why didn’t I just do what I wanted to do?” I can’t change what’s already happened…

Even writing this post is just another form of running away.

…I swore to myself once that I would never commit suicide–that it’s just cowardice–“running away for good”.

And yet at the start of this new term, with each passing day…I can’t help but feel like the end of December is it. If nothing has changed in my life once the end of the year comes…I’m going to give up.

…..

Please, please…let me gain the courage to stop myself before that happens.

Because no matter how hellish these days are now…I really do want to be happy.