Hello. I think I’m running out of steam. I just don’t really care anymore. It’s a hassle to get up in the morning, I stopped talking to a lot of people, my grades are starting to slip (yes I’m in high school), my teachers and other students are getting visibly frustrated when dealing with me. I just don’t really care anymore. I try my best to put up this front that I’m fine, but I’m starting to lose motivation for that too. It’s starting to show, and I can’t afford another freak out and get sent back to therapy. I’m tired. And I feel shitty complaining about this when I’ve seen other people struggle so hard on this site. My problems are infinitely small compared to some of your guys’ problems. But yet I still feel miserable. Even when typing this post I’m struggling to maintain focus. I just don’t really care anymore. A couple of days ago I had a major freak out (I was able hide from my parents when this was happening) and that prompted me to sign up. Now I feel just low. Sorry for subjecting you guys to my bullshit. And sorry to all the others who are having a tougher time than me.
Mom has lost her keys again,
dad keeps seaching for his cell phone,
sis is busy in her laptop,
bro is listening to music.
And I know where the keys are,
and I know where the phone is.
And I know what she is searching
and I know what he found there.
So I know what is comming,
but don’t know whats going on.
I feel worthless, empty and alone.
I will no kill myself anytime soon but I am destroying my life… doing nothing on the sofa
I’ve thought it about for a long time and I’ve decided that I do want to end it. The problem is finding a method that is feasible for me and also reliable. I don’t have access to massive amounts of sleeping pills (and that doesn’t seem to work either). A helium bag seems like the next option but I don’t know where to purchase the materials. Hanging is impossible in the dorm I’m in. The only sure way is by shooting myself but I can’t find a place to purchase a gun. I read a post by another college student on here who said he purchased a gun and would kill himself in two weeks from that time, so I’m sure there must be others on here who know how. How can I purchase a gun in maryland without having to go through all the procedures? Is it even possible? I just want to purchase it and end myself quickly and it always seems like there’s something else getting in the way.
I think I’m meant just to survive for so much time, and I’m running of time already. People dislike me out of nowhere, I don’t do anything bad at anyone at all, but they just look down on me. I already tried to die from rat poison… no effects! So I gave up before trying again. Now I’m thinking of Helium Exit Bag, I’m just not sure if it will work, I don’t want to deal with another failure.
I don’t have any friends at all, I don’t have no one to talk to. People think I’m just okay, they don’t know how I feel deep inside, Â bet they wouldn’t care either way. Idon’t blame them, I’m not worth any kind of love or concern. I’m just searching away about the exit bag, I wish to be gone before before december.
I want to go somewhere. I want to be free.
With people just like me.
I’m thinking of a mini forest in the mountains full of magnificent beautiful flora.
There’s a blue stream running there in front of me, flowing.
Up above, there’s two giant white clouds contrasting against the black night sky.
In between the clouds is a palace. That’s my goal.
That’s a place where you are free of problems. You’re listened to and respected. It’s where you make everyone happy, even yourself!
To get there I must earn my wings though. I must recruit people. People who are just like me.
Guys, if any of you commit suicide, I wish there was a way of telling us how it’s like up there. It makes me want to break free. I imagine all the dead people (who look beautiful) to be standing on a golden bridge overlooking us all. But there’s hope. Hope that I will get there.
If you kill yourself, please look over me? Be my guardian angel?
I don’t mean this is a heaven or anything, it’s just my imagination..
When I say “kill yourself”, I don’t mean physically. I mean mentally. Like you give up but you’re still alive, stuck in limbo.
I just want someone to tell me it’s okay.
As of right now, I’m at the bottom of the pit. If you look at my charts, I should be doing okay. But I feel so utterly depressed. I haven’t smoked weed or cigarettes in a month, and I’m not abusing my medicine. I’m also seeing a therapist and have hung out with my friends more often. Well, my clean friends that is.
Of course there’s a dark side though. I started drinking again. It’s not a lot, but I know it’s not good for me. Honestly though, if I don’t have a piece of the old me, I fear I’ll go insane. The thing is, instead of lowering me off of my drugs and alcohol, they just took me off them completely. I compare it to being pushed into a deep pool of water that’s -30 degrees. Well, I’m not sure about that comparison, but I’ll leave it. I know most people gradually stop their addictions, but because of a health issue, I needed to stop as soon as possible. I haven’t really used anything for the past weeks, and it’s not fun.
Okay I did lie a bit. I smoked one cigarette last week. I know that could ruin all the hard work I’ve put into stopping, but I am doing better. I’ve gotten my health up a bit, and overall I’m pretty stable. I’ve always got a person with me, making sure I don’t slip up.Â I still feel down in the dumps though.
I’m gonna go all cliche on you. DONT FUCKING DO DRUGS. Instead of running to them when you face a crisis like I did, just see a counselor or something. Because all the speeches they give you in school about drugs actually contain good advice. Especially about cigarettes. I haven’t smoked them very long, only about three months, but just don’t do it. Take my word, drugs suck. If your life is already fucked up, they make them worse. Instead of mourning in your own home, you get to mourn in jail.
Alright, I’m done being your mother. Sorry.
Anyways, quitting everything is going to help me in the long run but I’ve already done a lot of damage,Â So can someone just kill me already?
I’m sorry if none if this post makes any sense. It’s like two in the morning here and I can’t sleep.
I’m done. I can’t believe I have to keep waking up for the nextâ€¦ what? How long? I don’t know what is going to happen with my marriage or anything else. I don’t know how my â€¦ selfâ€¦ is going to affect my kids. How long am I going to just be getting from one end of the day to the other? I don’t want to say it’s unfair, because no one’s inflicting it on me. I don’t know how God works, but I know God doesn’t work like this. Personal freedoms, free-will, poor choices, poor judgment.. Tendencies toward self destruction, self harm, self abuse. Last night I was laying in bed imagining what it would be like to hit my own arm or hand with hammer. Or dropping cement blocks on my foot. I am constantly imagining a car accident, or cars coming around corners when I’m walking and running me down, and what a relief that would be. It wouldn’t be my fault, no one could blame me for it and be resentful, or feel sorry for me, and no one would feel guilty about it. What kind of accident could it be? It would have to really look like an accident, at this point in my life, because people are going to be really suspicious if suddenly I just DIE right now. I don’t think you can cause yourself to get terminal cancer or something like that.. At least not on short order. Falling down stairs? Getting hit by a car? Drowning? All carry a high risk of *not working out* and me ending up a vegetable, or incapacitated.
This has become an escape for me, not the escape of death, but the escape of fantasizing about death. The escape of justifying to myself how much better off everyone would be, IF I could find a way to do it that would appear completely as an accident. But only if it could be an accident.
My kids keep me alive. They keep me acting like a person. If I weren’t responsible for them, and responsible for showing them a sane, reliable, attentive mom, I don’t know what I would have done to myself by now.
I debate about calling the therapist Beth and telling her this is not easing up at all. I consider it sometimes because I wonder if I should be more concerned about the kids’ well-being since they spend so much time with me. I keep myself fairly well under control, there’s no crying, or yelling, or anything like that. I play with them and take them places and try to make sure they’re entertained and wearing clean clothes and fed and all that.
I am so fucking lonely and so isolated that I’m resorted to not even sharing random thoughts with my fake friends on Facebook, I am sharing my own suicidal ideation with myself because it’s not safe to share with anyone else. I am not at all surprised that I have been self medicating. This is so much worse, this numbness and this isolation and this tear-LESS-ness and this loneliness. So much worse than regular depression/sadness.
I can’t take the emotional pain anymore. I’ve tried so many different anti-depressants. Do I need ECT? I just want some ******** to leave this world peacefully. I’m never going to accept my sexuality. I have unwanted same-sex attraction and at the same time want a family life. I’m 42 and time is running out. What’s the point of all this? Please god intervene, save this soul from hell and let me die peacefully. Psychiatrists, psychologists, support groups, friends, family, exercise, tried everything but I’m constantly thinking about suicide. Yes, I have some things going on in my life which I appreciate, BUT THE LONELINESS COUPLED WITH MY SEXUALITY WILL KILL ME.
Everyone is running, making progress, enjoying life and achieving a lot but i don’t feel like achieving anything. Life has become miserable, everyday is just more worse than the previous one. I tried a lot during the past 7 years to cope with it but i failed.
No confidence to do anything, life seems to be like a continuous torture, my creativity and working capability has just come to an halt. In this condition I am losing on every ground whether it is job, relations or anything else. Life feels like a monster, people have fear of death but i m having fear of life. Every moment a voice from inside is instructing to finish it at all.
No hope, no light, no power to do anything. Just gloom and darkness everywhere. I failed on every ground. I am a burden on my family as well as on society. I want not to see another day.
Again, it’s me.
I figure I should do a re-cap just so no one gets lost.
My father abandoned my mother and I when I was five months old.
My mother met a new guy when I was four and I caught them having sex. Since that night, she made me watch and take part in sexual activities.
My mother moved me twelve hours away from my last piece of sanity and put me through hell with that new guy.
When I was eight my mother and I were out of a house so she shipped me off to my fathers.
While living with my father I broke up his marriage by walking in on him having sex with another girl and running my big mouth. Ooops….
My father and I moved into a different house and he began to get really aggressive and abusive.
This is when my depression started to completely take over my life; I was eight years old.
At this point, I was back living with my mother and that guy and things were not good, I was in a really unhealthy place, but I was used to that. But time went on and they ended up fighting again so we moved out and into our own little house (it was a module home, so a live-in trailer) but for once, I thought my life was changing, I thought I had a real chance at happiness. Until Christmas came.
My mother shipped me off to my father’s for Christmas, I remember it was one of the scariest moments of life. I was nine years old and on a airplane all alone, going across the country. While being with my father, he proposed to this new girl and I was just kind of there. No one acknowledged me or even knew I existed. The only time I was spoken to or looked at was when my father was yelling or hitting me. It was only for two weeks though.
When I got back to my mother’s, I was informed that she had almost died. It turned out that on Christmas Day she got into a really bad car accident and almost went over a cliff. Thankfully there was a post that she hit instead and she did not die that day; in fact she barely had a scratch on her. Now, I know my mother and I did not have the typical mother-daughter relationship, but I was so scared when I found out about that accident, I almost lost my mother…I took that really hard. And I really do not think it was because I would have lost her, it was because if she were to die, I would have to live with an abusive father…again…
I remember one night of this year very, very well. That night was the very first time I had actually had sex. I mean, sure I had watch my mother have sex with that guy, and I participated in sexual activities but I had never actually had sex. Until this night and I was only nine years old. It was summer and it was a really hot night and since my house had no air conditioning, I wore a “nighty” to bed. I called them sleeping dresses as a kid. My mother was asleep and the guy went out with friends and when he came home, he was piss drunk. I could smell the alcohol from his breathe, I can still smell it in my nightmares some nights, but anyways. He came into my room and closed my door, he started feeling me up, and to get me “ready” as he put it, he started to suck on and lick my vagina, also known as giving oral sex or “eating a girl out” however you are comfortable. I woke up instantly and told him to stop. He slapped me and told me to shut up, along with some other remarks that were painful but do not need to be repeated. One comment though, one that haunts me is “You begging me to stop is only making me want you more, so just be a good little slut and enjoy this treat like I now you will.” That is the last thing he actually said before was no longer a technical virgin. He did end up wining though, I just gave up and let him have his way with me. I felt so dirty after, even thinking of it now makes me feel like a dirty whore…and let me tell you, it hurts…
I tried telling my mother about this, but she never believed it. As a kid I had a really big and over-active imagination and she swears I dreamt all that happening to me. But I know otherwise, it was all too real to be a dream, no matter how good of an imagination I have.
I think that is what hurt the most. The fact that my mother did not even ask him if it was true. I mean, I never really expected her to be upset after everything she made me do and witness, but I thought she would at least believe me, or even just ask him if it was true, no matter if he denied it or not. Again, that really hurt. I may have only been nine, but that is when my cutting started. I still wasn’t eating from the effect of my father’s divorce with his wife. Now to add onto the pile self-mutilation, insomnia and just over all depression. I was a train-wreck on a good day…I started wearing really baggy clothing and talking to others less, I just started to fade away from everything and everyone. To this day, my mother still dos not believe that actually happened and the worse part is, sometimes I tell myself it was just a dream so it could hurt less and make looking in the mirror or getting up in the morning easier. But in the end, it doesn’t work. I know it was true I could not imagine all of those feelings when I was only nine years old.
I must apologize again because I need to stop here again…it’s just too much…the pain…the memories…reliving the past I try so hard to forget about…thank you if you’re still following my story and for taking the time to read this. I also want to say that if anyone needs to talk about anything, I am here to listen and I will try to help you as much as possible.
The clock is ticking and time is running out. I know not for my life, yes I do want something more. I want so many things in life and there are so many things I wanted to do and bring to this world. I want to bring happiness to others, I want to find happiness for myself, I want to be a father, I want to be content.
I want to be happy. I want to smile for something I’ve done not something I’ve seen. I want to laugh because I feel good inside not because it’s the appropriate thing to do. There’s so much good and strength in me but I’m weighed down by the bad and weakness that envelopes my heart. I want to continue on, but I’m almost out of time before I’m all alone again.
I’ve posted here before and on other accounts. I’ve told my story so many times it’s lost all meaning. Everything of my past has lost all meaning. I don’t understand people anymore. I don’t understand love anymore, I know I want it. The world scares me, but also the end scares me. All that’s left is the sheer fact that I’m a bad person now, yes I have/had good qualities, but that’s no longer what defines me. I’ve lost everything. Everything I’ve ever owned. My drive, my ambition, my self worth. I’m in so much debt. I have countless issues with the authorities because of the love of my life. My family has not only abandoned me but cast me out from ever returning. All of my friends abandoned me. I was homeless for the majority of last year. The only reason I have a roof over my head is someone I met at a bar took me in, but my time here is almost up. I thank him for his generosity, although I’ve never thought I deserved any of it. I can’t take being not only homeless again but being alone. I have nothing to call my own. I’ve lost everything.
As much as I long to continue on I’m too broken and weary to push anymore. I just want this pain to stop and the hole in my heart to go away. While yes I’d like to find new good things in my life, I still cannot forget everything I’ve lost. I’ve never been proud of myself or anything I’ve ever Â accomplished except when I was with my ex. We were supposed to get married, we were supposed to have a career, I was going to be a father. I looked up to her, I still do. I still want the very best for her and I hope she gets it. I was so damn happy with my life and everything that was supposed to come. I want it back but I know I never can. Nothing can ever be the same for me. That much is definite.
I don’t even see the power in me to create anything good anymore. I know there will always be the ‘you just have to try’ and ‘there are always good things in life’ but I don’t know how I can change my life given everything that’s happened. I’ve been living here for about 3 months now and it’s been nice not thinking about death like I used to. I honestly was hoping in this lapse of time I’d return to find some new method people have found that hasn’t been banned or made unobtainable to the public. BesidesÂ asphyxiation I feel all I’m capable of is the Helium Exit Bag or theÂ Charcoal method. The first being difficult to obtain in my situation while the latter I fear causing harm to others. Plus I don’t wanna leave alone and I know that makes me a bad person, if not entirely it does inside of me. I want everyone else to be happy and to live, so how can I ask someone to leave this world with me. I’ve thought about jumping off the Golden Gate Bridge seeing that I’m only 30 minutes away, but I know I’d be too scared (although the drop only being 4 seconds) to follow through once I arrived.
I just don’t know what to do anymore and I can’t continue on much longer alone.
I’m a 17 year old girl, and I’m still alive. I suppose I should start off with the positives.
I was diagnosed with clinical depression a year and a half ago, and most of my friends know. I don’t have the energy to do any work at home, and at college I can’t concentrate and just keep having to go to the toilets and cry. I’m going to fail all my exams, I’ve accepted that, and for the moment I’m just trying to concentrate on staying alive. I want to drop out and get a job, but I would keep breaking down and crying there too and get fired. I’ve told a few people that I was suicidal a few weeks ago, and they all seem to accept the “was,” but it’s not that simple. I’m fighting every day, but I’m running out of energy to.
My boyfriend keep telling me he can’t see why I’m so depressed when I have people there for me. The thing is, my friends are used to me being the one who will help them out, so they come to me with their problems anyway over facebook, and I’m trying to think of what to say to them while crying. I cry nearly all the time when I’m not with people, because I don’t like people seeing me cry, but people keep catching me. I’m sick of having to explain why, and I’m sick of living like this. Crying for a bit then coming back out helps more than having to explain everything to someone.
It feels like I’m in a swimming pool that I can’t get out of, and I’m tiring and I keep going under. My friends wave at me from the sidelines and tell me I can get through it. When I’m with my boyfriend it’s like he throws me a raft and I can keep afloat for a while, but when he leaves so does the raft. They all seem to think they’re helping, and going to my boyfriend’s house is something to focus on to help get me through the day, but it’s not enough. I don’t want a raft, I want someone to pull me out of the pool. I want to be able to go a day without crying, or wanting to hurt or kill myself. The thing is, they won’t give pills to someone my age. Last time I had a counsellor, but it lasted all of a few weeks, didn’t help at all, made things worse.
I missed my bus on purpose today because I can’t face college. My friend’s boyfriend broke up with her last night, and I knew she was going to be crying all over me again, looking to me for support I can’t give. I know that makes me selfish and an awful friend. I know that. I just couldn’t. So I was searching for methods of suicide today, and I couldn’t find any quick or painless ones. I found this site, and figured posting this was worth a try. Believe me, I don’t want to kill myself, I just want to stop being depressed. I wantÂ to stop driving my boyfriend/friends away by being permanently depressing and feeling hopeless and worthless.
Before someone says this, my mum and stepdad know I’m depressed. They don’t know I’m suicidal, but they know I’m feeling “a bit under the weather”. My stepdad is one of those who thinks the solution would be to keep me in my room until I finish all my work, because he thinks that’s the problem. That’s what happened last year, and I got through my GCSEs, but my state of mind didn’t exactly improve, although I stopped self harming now Mum’s looking. My mum is like a Disney princess, and she feels everyone’s pain so deeply, and she’s already under enough stress, I can’t tell her how bad it is. I’m just trying to take it a day at a time and not run in front of cars, but it’s so hard.
I’m not really sure why I’m posting this. I’m just don’t know what to do, and I figured if I’m looking for people who do know, this would be the place. If you’ve taken the time to read all this, thank you.
My friend is now texting me about my friend who’s boyfriend broke up with her. “(Me) get ya butt up here (friend) is crying,” “(Me) (friend) needs you you had better be there at dinner”. I feel like the worst friend ever but I just can’t. I wish they’d stop expecting me to be able to help, I can’t even help myself.
I’m sorry for the rant….
I keep running
running away from my problems, running toward my goals,
running to anywhere, everywhere as long as it’s not here.
I should take a moment to look at where I am at, but there’s no time.
I have to keep running.
I’m chasing and being chased.
The past is on my heels as I try to keep up with the future, the present.
But now always changes and quickly becomes the past just as I realized it is the future – it was the future.
I run towards my dreams, aspirations, perfection
and I run away from my fears, mistakes, embarrassments,
No stopping, just going, always running.
Took a very unwanted stroll down memory lane, was reminded of all the horrible things that happened in my life that my family blame me for. my parents getting divorced when i was 4 years old… my fault, my dad walking out on me for a woman… also my fault, being constantly reminded that I’m not as good as my siblings and blackening the family name because i’m not perfect… my fault, being called fat and ugly is also my fault because they wouldn’t have to say it if it wasn’t true.
Being reminded of all the years i was bullied in school and all reasons i cut and the reasons i hate my life. Why did it have to happen now? just as i thought i was finally accepting this and starting to get better, this flood of negative emotions coming running back and it’s like they never left, those constant thoughts of suicide and how i even fail at that; I guess it’s true what everyone says “I can’t do anything right”.
I guess a good place to start would be the beginning but I don’t really know where that is. I guess as a kid I always struggled fitting in, I wasn’t the same as everyone else and that was noticeable from a youngish age, I was always bullied in school for being different and was always being physically abused by the other kids. No one ever believed me when I’d tell them what was happening and thought it was all my fault for being so different and started punishing myself for it. At the age of 10 I started cutting and didn’t know that it would become so addictive or the damage I was causing myself. For years i would cut of a night when everyone else was asleep and began to enjoy the pain and get a rush from seeing my blood running down my arms, my mother was always to busy to notice me or the scares. Now at 18 and after having tried to kill myself 3 times and still having no one notice that i had a problem, I’ve finally decided it was time to break the curse of this addiction and get better before it ruins my life anymore than it already has Â And to do it with people who understand what it’s like.
I finally wan’t to be happy.
I’m running out of options. My last hope, before suicide becomes the best choice, is to drop out of college for a while and move away. I just need to live, on my own terms, or not live at all. I mean, I don’t know why we bother with this college, marriage, children bullshit. It’s a trap. This world is so damn big. There is so much more to experience than most people ever do. That’s the point. To experience. I’m absolutely done with this not living crap. If i’m going to stick it out here for any longer, I’ve got to get out of here. Away from college, away from anyone I ever knew, away from all the demons chasing me from my past. I need to just exist. No expectations, no rules, no people to betray me. And you know what, if that whole idea doesn’t work out. I always have an escape plan. I have lupus, so I have a shit ton of pills I could take anytime. A dangerous cocktail. No waking up from that!
I don’t know what to do anymore. Everything that could possibly go wrong in my life has to this point. In high school I never had a problem with friends or anything else. I was pretty popular and good at sports. It has done nothing but go down hill since then. I got arrested for a DUI last fall. That was extremely embarrassing and living in a town with 300 people in it only made it worse. I feel like I brought shame to my family. After that I dropped out of school because I kept failing classes. Now I have no money and no job. I do nothing with myself but think about how everything has gone to shit. Then things seemed to get a little better when I met a girl I really liked. This was the first person I had ever really had feelings for. My family has never been affectionate and I’ve never heard an “I Love You” from my parents. So I was scared and yet extremely happy with this relationship. She went to college in California last semester and I live in Illinois. We agreed that we would remain in touch with each other and just try to maintain a “friend” relationship while she was away at school. We agreed that we would then pick back up where we left off when she gets back this summer. Well, just the other day I hear that she’s in a relationship with some guy from California. Im usually one to never complain but this was the first time I’d ever had feelings for someone so it just absolutely crushed me. The past several months things have just done nothing but go downhill. I hate the person I’m becoming and I just want it all to stop. I’ve never had any desire to kill myself but I feel as if though I’m running out of options. I find myself thinking about death way more than I should and when I think about it it’s the only time I feel like I see a little bit of light at the end of the tunnel. I just don’t know how to make all this stop. All I want is to be happy again. I miss being happy. Its such a terrible feeling longing for that feeling again and feeling like theres no way you’ll ever be able to feel it again. When will it all stop…
So, I haven’t been on here for a few months actually, I thought my life turned around, at first my life seemed worthwhile, but…. I’m back. and honestly, this time I have no idea why. I shouldn’t be as sad as I am right now, I’m graduating highschool in a few months, I have to get a grad dress and a date. I have to decide what I want to be career-wise, but before that, college/university.. I should be ecstatic about all this happening right now.
but I’m not. Don’t ask me why, cause I don’t have an answer for you. Once again, I just feel so empty, I feel like I’m spent, my emotions have been running on high alot lately. Things have changed. People that I thought would be around forever, are gone. haven’t talked or seen my friend K in over 7 months, and I’m not exaggerating when I say this guy was my anchor, he kept me grounded, he kept me happy. He taught me that I could not care about people for once, and just care about me. that I could act like that with him and only him. I was comfortable with him, he was my brother. but he’s gone. and my heart left with him.
and now, and pardon me, for I may sound selfish, but I’m left with these other friends, that don’t quite get me like he did. I’m still relieved that I do HAVE friends, but they just don’t care like he did, now before I go on any further, I do have ONE friend that actually truly is there for me, that I can talk to about anything (not that I do, some secrets are too deep to tell) She’s become my red kryptonite, I feel strong around her, I just don’t know. but my other friends, they have been drifting away, all picking up their stuff and leaving me, one. by. one. they all leave. at first it was subtle, they’d hang out with other people but still say hi to me, and that was fine, because I was used to that, but now, when I see them in the halls they just pretend like they don’t see me or their too busy to stop and chat.
it does hurt. but they are not the only ones to blame. I too, am in fault. I push people away. alot. without even realizing it. I pushed away the only truly decent guy that’s ever liked me for some jerk that just wanted to get into my pants (he didn’t though, I pushed him away too) I’m truly damaged.
I’ve even started cutting again! what a surprise huh? I’ve stopped cutting in the obvious spots though, so people will continue to think that I’ve stopped. but I do still cut, I cut farther up on my arm, almost on the shoulder. honestly, I cut just before I started writing this post, I’m going to be wearing a shirt with sleeves tomorrow I guess. I just want to sleep forever. is that too much to ask?
Pain overriding any rational thoughts
only feeling what I want most not too
Churning in my stomach, and burning in my chest
How did this happen, I ask
Only to be reminded that there is no explanation
No concrete answer to the question I’m seeking
I just have to accept what is.
Accepting a reality of isolation, loneliness and solitude
Feeling imprisoned by my own being
Trapped in a world I can’t escape
Following me wherever I go.
My mind plagues my every thought
The inner bully condemning every part of me
Ruthless, harsh and callous
Never stopping with its relentless bashing.
Only sleep gives that break that I so longingly strive for
A break from my conscious mind and the world around me
A world in which everything is forgotten
A place where I am no longer running from myself
A place where I am for a short moment, free.
Yet everyday I wake back up into this nightmare
My eyes open and the room closes in
The feelings of dread engulf me
Anxiety overwhelms me
And I realise I have yet another day to endure in this hell.