I think the scariest part of all this is when you desperately want someone to reach out to and no one is around. You want a friend, but you don’t want those people you call friends to know. And you don’t have the money to get professional help. And you don’t want your family to start blaming themselves. And you sure as fuck don’t want people to start asking what you’ve done to try NOT being depressed.
I’m not even sure if I am depressed. I mean, I have depression, but I spend these days being mostly angry and frustrated. But now, I’m just sad, because while I know I’m not the only person going through this, I still feel very much all alone.
I failed once before. Maybe it’s time to try, again, because everyday feels like rain. And I’m so tired. I’m just so tired.
11 comments
God do I know how that feels. You reach a point of such exhaustion that you don’t even care to try anymore. Have you ever called a suicide prevention hotline? They are full of advice and can help you tremendously if you let them. You may not have the money for a therapist, but you can go to free support groups, which sometimes are more effective than therapists (although they are directed by therapists), because you are talking to people who REALLY get it. Give it a try, yeah? Don’t give up until you’ve rolled up your sleeves and done everything you can to get better.
i totally feel that as well. You just want someone to tell you. i know your life is shit and im sorry about that and i’ll be here for you. yeah, but there’s no one like that. No one gives a damn enough about you and when you want to die the urge is soo bad that you literally go crazy. that’s the way i feel. glad to know there’s someone else out there (:
I am so fascinated with death. I know it’s better on the other side. I don’t want to kill myself , tried and tried. But I do wish I would die of natural causes. Soon.
i dont mean to sound rude, but calling one of the suicide hotlines is not a good idea. I did it once and the police were here in less than 5 minutes. Flashlights in my eyes, their lights on. I dont know what kind of system they have, but they can track ur name and address down in a second even if you block their number…they have ways. I hope you feel better soon and just posting on here helps a lot.
I called one of those hotlines once and I’ll never do it again. As I was spilling my guts to the lady on the other end she rudely talked OVER me while I was crying and began to speak to some other person next to her. That made me feel so unworthy, I couldn’t believe what had just happened. I mean aren’t these people taught to show some tenderness? I was so mad I just hung up the phone. Being treated like my phone call to a suicide prevention line was not important I wanted to kill myself right then. Obviously I didn’t but that lady made me feel worse afterwards. I don’t trust those help lines.
omg blackhole. that has to be worse than what happened to me. thats just nasty! its not like you were calling to complain about your phone not working right or something.
come to think of it when i called all i said was ‘ i wish i was dead’ and she tried to get my address out of me (which i would not give) seemed like she was just trying to pass it onto the police. All i remember is her saying ‘ok, ill do it the hardway” thats when i hung up.
@ black hole. that’s how i feel. i’m hoping that someday soon i’m gonna die like in a natural disaster like a tsunami or a building falling on me or drowning or something. i’m kinda look forward to the 21 st december apparently it’s the day we die. if it doesn’t happen. i dunno what i gonna do.
blackhole and worthless i know how you feel. now this i going to sound really harsh, but on 9/11 i was working in NYC and saw it all happen, the tower fall before my eyes. I was in shock of course, but could not help think “why couldnt I be there when those people probably want to live” i know..sick sick sick. i have never told that to anyone
Isn’t it ironic how there are those of us you would love to die and those who do didn’t want to die ; they probably had happy lives. I don’t get it.
I’ve heard horror stories from other people about suicide hotlines, too, so I really don’t want to do that. I’m trying to hang on. I am. I just feel like I’ve been treading water and I’m ready to drown, now.
And I can totally understand the natural disaster thing. It’s weird that the people around me will be talking about how sad it all is that all those people died. And I’ll just be thinking how sad it is that I couldn’t change places with them, maybe save someone that actually wanted to be here.
For whatever it’s worth, the Samaritans, in the UK, seem to be more enlightened. They are supposedly neutral on suicide (I doubt that!) but WON’T call police unless you ask them to or unless you pass out during the phone call because you’ve made an attempt while on the phone. That’s what their written stuff says. I had a good experience and talked to a woman for close to an hour. She was in no rush to get off the phone. I actually felt better afterward. You can also have email chats with them, but I found that to be way too slow.