i want to go like him

first off let me start by stating that i dont believe in any sort of afterlife. i dont belive in god or heaven or hell. i dont believe in reincarnation. i believe that once we die we are just simply…gone.
anyway my boyfriend died a little over a year ago from heroin od. we used together but we had a falling out & he started shooting up which we never did. at around the one year mark (august) i felt like i had finally recovered and moved on from his passing but lately ive started shooting up and i chase that feeling constantly… that rush. ive been longing for him again.. looking at old pictures, listening to music he recorded soon before his death (which was accidentally as far as i know). his songs are mainly about doing dope and, uh, me. i feel this connecion when i listen to the songs & ive always been a nihilist. anyway i guess ill get to the point. i wonna get my hands on a few 8 mg dilaudids, slam em in my arm and take my script of klonopin (about 45 mg total). i have this weird delusion that we’ll be reunited in death. even though we wont actually be reunited. i dont even know why im posting this i just cant stop crying.