I’m done.

I can’t help it. I just can’t stand it anymore. I’m so alone… There’s no one for me. No one to care, no one to help, no one to even just see.

My friends have been ignoring me, and I don’t know why. I know I’ve snapped a few times, but they have too. And now, one of them, one of the two who mean the most to me, hates me–at the very least. I want to say is was because he wouldn’t communicate with me. I feel like he’s blaming me for everything that happened, and I hate it. I get blamed for enough things I haven’t done, nor even been a part of, and I don’t need that from someone I care about so much. The fact that he would think that of me hurts, sharp, quick pains lancing through my mind and heart.

The others seem to have based their attitudes off his side of whatever part (or parts) of the story he’s told them…

Now I have no one. They were all I had… I trusted them more than I did my family. I trusted them to be there if they could, as I do my best to be there for them. I trusted that they would at least tell me if they were mad at me.

But for me, to be ignored is the worst thing. I was never noticed until barely a year or two before, and even then only by one or two people at most. When I met my friends, I felt like I had suddenly become a visible human for the first time; I was acknowledged, and suddenly it seemed like someone would listen to what I had to say. They gave me hope that my invisibilty would leave me for good. They gave me the confidence to break out of my shell. Hell, they gave me a reason to speak, to think, to live. Two of them even gave me reason to love. Even if I couldn’t do it at home, or outside of school, at least I had the chance almost every day to have those things.

Of course, I should have known it wouldn’t last.

With one friend, who was–and still is–more to me, I blame myself for screwing it up. If I had/hadn’t said this… if I had/hadn’t done this… there’s countless little incidents, and only slightly less numerous are the bigger ones. Honestly, I know it was all my fault. I didn’t think things through. If I had, maybe it wouldn’t have broken. Maybe things would be the same, or even better, had I handled it better. I screwed up, badly, and it hurts. That already so much pain, and still I get hurt even more by that same friend, because of something thoughtless they said, or not even being honest with me when they–or seemed like they–were calling me a liar. I was honest with them, so why couldn’t they be honest with me? Or is that expecting too much? I still feel the pain when I realized some of the things I’d said when I lashed out, unthinking from my own pain, causing this friend to be hurt, too.

With another friend, with whom I still don’t know where I stand, I was already hurting fromt the first friend, and had begun trying to push everyone away so I didn’t get hurt again–which, in retrospect, was really selfish of me. (I’ve since tried to fix it, but it’s slow going, with what being ignored and all.) But I know I hurt this friend, too, and I know how horrible I am, and I hate myself for it.

I’m a curse, and should be ignored… It just hurts so much… To have known what it is to feel real, to feel cared for, and then for a mistake–or colleciton of different mistakes–to take it all away… It’s too much.

I don’t know how to explain it, how bad I feel because of all this… There’s much more to it than just this, including my depression, anxiety, and me being bipolar, as well as other factors, like my home life. But this is what makes me feel like I’m going over the edge. I’ve tried to fix it… they won’t let me.

I sit alone at school, and I barely talk to anyone but the teachers–and, strangely, exchanged a few sentences with two of my ‘friends’ today, even though they really don’t seek me out (so I think those words were more of politeness and/or convenience) to talk–so I’m slowly fading into the background. I feel the invisibility again, creeping up, waiting to take me back to the times where I felt like dying, like I was a waste of space, like I was nothing but a mistake, in anyone’s eyes. I already feel that way, but this is just magnifying it.

I don’t know what to do anymore.