I feel like I’m clinging to a thin piece of rope that’s fraying and threatening to snap. I want someone to hold me and tell me that it’s okay to fall apart. It’s okay to come completely unglued and not be in control all of the time. That it’s okay. That I don’t have to be “on” all of the time. I feel like 90% of the time I’m with other people, I’m acting or doing something or saying something that because that’s what they expect or want. I don’t want to have to be this other person around people, but at the same time I think if I crack, I’ll become unhinged and lose my anchor on reality and nothing would ever be the same again. I don’t want to be this charade of happy and fun-loving all the time.
Everyone around me acts like they don’t have any problems, and if I slip up and admit my issues, I would be exposed as the only one with bruises and scars. Everyone at college seems like they have it all put together. They already know what they want to do with their lives, they already know what classes they have to take to set them on their career path. I have no clue what I want. I have no direction, and no motivation.
Time is passing so quickly. I remember moving into the dorms in my freshman year. Now I have to choose classes soon for my 2nd quarter of my 2nd year, and I still don’t know what I want.
2 comments
I know that feeling.
It’s that feeling that how is everyone else able to look so steady in their lives but not you. How am I the only one that doesn’t know where to go? Can I amount to much in the future? Do I know what I want to do? Everyone is so talented and skilled and their abilities pave a path for them. What am I? What can I do? What’s my purpose? What’s my existence?
At least, that’s how I feel.
I’m just saying, I understand, you’re not alone.
I feel like in the ocean that is school and grades and classes and the future, I’m the only one drowning while everyone else is swimming happily. I’m so worried about what I’m supposed to be doing and it always makes me wonder if this is all there really is, if life supposed to be like this. I wish there were something out there or someone who could solve all my problems. Some magic pill to make things okay.