…Not me

I changed. I changed everything about me for someone just so I could be with them. It took me three years ,but here I am. I don’t like what I’ve become. If I’d known what I know now I would’ve stayed a loner. I am still alone. I have friends ,but not close friends. I struggle to make connections with people. I’ve never had a girlfriend.Everyone else seems to have had one but me. I’m jealous of people who would be in love one day and separated another. I tell myself I don’t need anything but myself and my success and for a while that works. It’s not about sex because anyone can get that at a price. I want to know what unconditional love is like. But at the same time I know that will never happen, I know that I’m not the same as everyone else. That I’m missing a crucial part of my mind. I see people worse off than me that have had true love. I see the girl I like with her beautiful smile that brightens my day even at my darkest hour, black hair that seems to cascade like a shadow from a full moon, her eyes that look at me warmly and renew my faith in people and I say,”Why can’t I ask her?” But I know the answer. I want to protect her. I’ve thought about my hopes and dreams to try to forget her ,but realized I would throw it all away to be with her. I try not to hang out with her ,but cannot control myself. I see her and immediately want to be there at her side. I am tried to be fair with myself by just being her friend , but it’s hell. It literally hurts when she’s not at school, I’ve gotten chest pains from it. I try to figure out why I’m so attached. I read so many psychology papers but nothing adds up. It scares me when I’m like this but the fact is that when she is near these worries disappear. As if all my life before I met her was just to stall while she got there. It’s once crossed my mind that she was the focus of my life and for a moment I was happy. I try to erase the feeling by convincing  myself that I’m just digging my own grave. She has become the sole reason I go to school, the reason I’m here; she’s the one person I both respect and admire. I love her. But I’m afraid of myself.