Like alot of people here, I’ve tried it once.  I can’t lie, stuff did start to get better but it never left my mind since then, like something you can’t yet do but you know you will some day.  By all outward appearances, I’m a very jovial, nice guy but, as is frequently the case here, what you see on the outside is nothing like what’s on the inside.  Ever since the months leading up to my first attempt, I’ve been a different person.  I had never felt such a consuming, all encompassing emotion before and it was really easy to come home and wallow in my own self pity after a day of masking it.  Ever since then, I have never felt the same way about myself.  Sure, there are days that I feel a trickle of confidence seep through but then my self deprecation sets in and I’m back to my usual, self loathing self.
The first time I felt something finally crack my depressing exterior was when I was 16 and met the girl I still think about everyday, 9 years later. Â Sparing the gruesome details of our 4 year relationship, I fucked it up after 2 weeks and my self loathing never allowed me to fix it. Â 4 years she tried to see the good in me and just ended up leaving disappointed. Â 4 years I’ve hated myself for what I did. Â But after 4 years, you slip into a sort haze of self pity and it becomes just another part of the boring bus ride to work.
Now 5 years on and I look back at what I’ve done with my life…and find very little. Â My self loathing has caused me to alienate and destroy the relationships I’ve had with many of my closest friends and family. Â Most people I know see me as an untrustworthy, lying sack of shit, even my Dad tells me sometimes he thinks I’m a disgusting human being and would move on if I checked out. Â I have tried, with limited success, many times to get up, dust myself off and keep going. Â I got a college degree (4 years at a 2 year community college for marketing, not very impressive) and realized that I wasted 4 years while everyone else has been getting their life started. Â I haven’t had more than casual sex since she left me but, as some of you might know, that only makes the longing worse. Â My brother is a paranoid schizo so my problems always automatically take a backseat to his. Â Sadly, depression is one of those things people just tell you to get over but none of those people understand what its like to not remember anything else, to get used to seeing the world in shades of black and white. Â I’ve always felt like I don’t gel with this world, that maybe I was born in the wrong time period or in the wrong place. Â I’ve never understood how some people can just love life, I wish I could “stop and smell the roses” as people say, but the roses don’t smell any better than anything else. Â I’m just so tired, so so tired. Â Its always the same mild relief that just drifts away as quickly as it came, the same rescue chopper that doesn’t see me frantically waving my arms.
Either way. it won’t happen tonight, I’ve exhausted all my possibilities, but it will happen, and hopefully soon. Â Its always waiting there, just beyond the horizon, calling me.