Whenever I imagine ways to commit suicide, I cannot help but to imagine even more ways of something going wrong. When I imagine screwing up and placing myself in an even worse nightmare, such a terrible feeling wells up within me and I become afraid of attempting suicide. I feel so trapped because of this, and because I believe at some point in my life it really is going to be the humane thing for me to do, and I don’t think I can get anyone to do it for me. I feel like I want to convince a physician to please euthanize me, but I know they won’t do it.
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I know how you feel. I worry about botched suicide attempts all the time. I’m afraid of suffering and pain. Eventually I feel that the only way to go is up…I’m stuck here, so I may as well try to get well.
I am not sure I can get well and I fear things shall only become worse. If my depression did not ease up a little, as it usually does within each 24-hour period, I would not be able to carry on at all. It is these daily breaks from the depressive squeeze which, even if only momentarily, give me sparkles of hope and keep me hanging on.