it shouldn’t be this difficult. Â to get up, to function, to eat, to shower, to wash my face, to clean, to work. Â it shouldn’t be this difficult. Â I feel like I continue to hit a wall, attempt to stand back up, and immediately run back into it at full speed. Â withdrawal isn’t helping. Â the memory gaps continue to worsen. Â i barely remember what i did this week. Â the nightmares have been getting worse. Â you know what’s my fucking favorite? Â having a nightmare about abuse, waking up in the morning and thinking it’s over, go to bed that night only for the fucking nightmare to CONTINUE […]
i’m in a place where i am mentally unable to handle anything. Â schoolwork feels like trying to roll a boulder up a mountain. Â functioning in general, actually. Â i feel so isolated. Â my friends aren’t as responsive as they used to be when we were all in treatment together… Â i just feel like shit. Â i haven’t been able to even work up the motivation to finish my paintings (which are way past due). Â i have a reading response due tomorrow (600 words) and i haven’t even been able to figure out what the fuck i’m going to say about this passage from Walden. Â he contradicts himself […]
well, i am BACK.
lately things have been pretty normal i suppose, though i can’t say i’m well, it’s alright y’know? honestly i’m just a bit more anxious than usual today because of a dream i had last night, where i tried jumping off a 7th floor but then nothing happened and no one noticed, so idk. felt off when i woke up.
also, i got an app to keep track of my mood because i always forget, so i can look back if i need to; it’s been helpful i suppose.
anyways, i hope everyone here has, at the very least, an okay day today, tomorrow […]
Im going to bed now. (1am)
Hoping for a nightmare or weird dream, something to make me feel different and think something new or something like that.
All I can think right now is sadness and despair. Very unhealthy I would imagine. But when have I been healthy? No I want to wake up in a sweat to some crazy freak dream about some crazy thing and have a realization and or epiphany. I wish.
Goodnight. Sweet dreams, at least not me.
It’s 1:30 am and I just woke up from yet another terrifying dream, after sleeping for less than 2 hours. The torture just doesn’t stop. I feel terrible. I’m fighting the urge to cut right now by studying. Haaa… It’s not really working out. Can’t really concentrate. I can barely stop thinking about the terrible dream. Doing Psychiatry right now is killing me as well.
It’s almost time to get spooky! This is one of the only holiday that makes me happy. I’m being Steven from SU.. SO PUMPED!
I’ll continue my story. Each part at its own time. What is your favorite Halloween movie? (Nightmare before Christmas for me 🙂
So i had the most terrifying nightmare last night…. I’ll spare you the gory details, but one thing i will say is my dad was the pain mart of it. He kept attacking me, abusing me, both verbally and physically, he was literally torturing me…it was the worst thing i’ve ever experienced dream wise…. And he kept telling me over and over… “Just kill yourself. Just commit suicide. Do it.” Again, and again, and again. Â And whereas in most dreams/ nightmares i can wake up, this one was a never ending torture. I woke up sweating, shaking uncontrollably, and crying. It was the worst thing […]
I don´t know how I ended up like this.
I feel like I don´t have anyone. Anyone I can hug or touch, just to feel the warmness of the body of someone else. Everybody leaves me. I can´t sleep at nights. I lay in my bed and listen how drops of rain are colliding with my window, thinking about all the people that left me behind continuing in their way and I stayed, like glued to the ground with no chance to move on. Someone would say I finally get used to people leaving me. But everytime it´s getting worse and worse. And I, like an […]
Sometimes I think reality is a dream. A bad dream. Even though this is really vivid & I can feel every little thing, I think, maybe if it all ended, I’ll wake up in a better life. I’m just in some coma, living another life in my dream. That’s what I tell myself. Reality is the most scary thingeverybody has to face. Judgement is literally a thing. Every day, I make my “painting” better by adding more lines to it, hoping I’ll wake up. The more I paint, the more I wanna be a heartless person or just end this pain. I think the sabotage […]
Just waiting the sweet moment when a finaly get out of this place i just can remember or imagine i asked to be at.
Hoping that´s dont take to long.
Hoping that´s dont be with to much suffering, no because i´m afraid to suffer, in a fact is there something more painfull than be alive? This hope come from certainty all this is just a waist of time anyway.
When this feeling started? I just can´t remember and i dont even care about it.
Maybe in small things, small people, small everything…
Dead sweet dead, make no alarm, no sound, no signal… just come here and do your f…… ¨ […]
I cant stop crying. Why has everything changed!
I’m back to this rotting heap that is my mind and body.
I wish my body were rotting, maybe then it wouldnt be so fat and gross.
New relationship? Ă‚Â How can I have a good relationship with someone if I cant have one with myself.
I hate everything about this me.
I cant take a deep breath without tearing up,
I cant shower without a razor to my skin,
I cant sleep without dreaming of darkness and I cant smile without a stabbing pain within.
When did my life end and this nightmare begin?!
FUCKED FOR CASH
V1-
Cum splattered face
Wash away the taste
Fake a slutty smile
And bend over now
Give yourself up
For a couple bucks
For your next fix
From your fucking pimp
V2-
Caught in a web
Where everyone is dead
But walking, fucking
Making money
Take it in the ass
Oh so bloody
Pitiful waste
Prostitution
Chorus-
How did we
End up here?
Hooked on coke
And fucking queers
Make more money
Giving head
In an alley
Mostly dead
V3-
Did you ask for this?
Heroin cysts
Black eyes from guys
You fucked last night
One too much
Raped and fucked
Left alone
You have no […]
A year ago I felt so peaceful and free after moving forward on my plans to recover from an eating disorder that had taken over my life and jeopardized my health. I was improving more each and every day, I was enjoying food, and pleasure had been brought back to life. I thought the nightmare was over, I knew relapse was a harsh possibility, but I assured myself I would stay strong. At the time I had no support other than the occasional “I’m so happy for you” from a friend. That’s the way I wanted it, […]
I’ve been suicidal for many years and, to an extent, most of my life. Not a manic obvious case of suicide but a quite, calm and patient case. It was supposed to all happen tomorrow, Friday, July 26th 2013 but won’t.
I realized recently that my plan all this time was not the right way to go about things. The plan was to take my friend’s handgun and walk from his place to the nearby hospital. There I would warn the staff about the events that were going to take place, to prepare surgery for my organ donation, and to clear out the area so that […]
Well, my friend wants me to try shrooms with him and i don’t know if i should or not. im not afraid of being fucked up im afraid of what actions i might act on that are in my head.. whether it be harming myself or finally snapping and going off on some “friends”
im afraid the thoughts in my mind will turn into reality and then ill be trapped in my own helish […]
This can’t be right, this has to be a nightmare, a bad dream, induced by too many pieces of Halloween candy. I have to be seven years old, eight years old, tossing and turning in my bed. This cannot be my life, it shouldn’t be. I’m 14 years old and I’m a self-harmer, a ‘cutter,’ though I’d rather say I cut myself. The scars on my skin are mysteriously starting to fade, not that you’d know it. You’d take a glimpse at my unscarred arms, glance at the armband on my right wrist that never comes off. You might think for a moment that my […]
I am strong
In my weakness
I never tried
To die
Just rarely lived
Fully
It is hard
To accept
That I am weak
Being strong
___________
Trying to battle
My emotions
I loose the battle
Trying to search for the like
And accept
That I do fail
I win
___________
And finally,
It is ok for me
To have a nightmare
During the day:
This way
I can face it.
When i read suicide stories online. I allways read reactions like, don’t worry, one day everything will get better. It will all be allright. You might feel sad at the moment but your future will get brighter.
Well, stop lying, it’s not going to happen. I take my pills daily, pills to reduce my depression but also pills to reduce my pain. My nerves are damaged and i have chronical pain.
It’s going on for 2 years now, and no. It won’t get better, it won’t restore, i’ve lost all hope.
I shouldn’t even be drinking with my medication, but i do. I drink even more […]
Haha it’s one of those nights again
Haha I can’t be the only one who feels this shit, right?
Posting drunk when I’m honestly sober
But I feel like last years tequila finally went to my head
I’m running through the parking lot screaming
My boss is parked right here
Slashing those tires, and I cut my hand
Suddenly my wrists are bleeding out
Haha I actually love my job, you know?
Haha my blood turns his white truck brown
Eyes wide enough to open the door
My smile returns and no one will know
Twitching on the bus as I wanna die on the […]
[Is that famous frown]…
Same old thing, it’s just a different day.
No words come out, nothing to say.
Do they know, can they care?
Is this a dream, or nightmare?
No, it can’t be a dream.
I’m alive, get what I mean?
I beg and, and pray again.
But it never changed, and I all when..?
Can this end? What if it does?
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