Suicidal Thoughts

This is my first time here on this site, and your story is the first I read, and you’re saying you want help, so here goes nothing.

I want to start off by saying the obvious; at 14, a lot of your life is laid out for you for the time being, you don’t have much you can change just yet, and there aren’t many paths to choose so early on, so give yourself some slack and remember nothing worth having ever comes easy. It will take time for you to develop strong bonds with people and passion for new hobbies or interests.

Secondly I want to wholeheartedly agree with your second paragraph.
Loneliness sucks, and depression doesn’t help that at all! I’m with you on the “the worst feeling in the world” part. It’s one of the scariest things to face day after day.
This is unfortunately something that you’ll have to take control of yourself. School-life is extraordinarily different from the outside years to come. Bullies will apologize, distant friends or acquaintances will reach out to you, you’ll go clubbing and do a tipsy stumble around the dancefloor and bump into an old friend and they’ll tell you how much you’ve changed since school. And they’re all good feelings.

I’m sorry to hear about your father, but if you were close to him, don’t let anything, not even prison bars, stop you from loving him and waiting for him. If he can sit in there as lonely as he might be for 18 years where nothing will probably change for a long time, I’m sure you share his strength and can make it also.

Your mother most definitely still cares, no matter how distant she seems. If you try to talk to her about anything close to this, don’t get too upset if she freaks out. It’s just what mums do. On the other hand, if you don’t want to talk to her about these things because you don’t feel close enough to her, try doing something with just the two of you and see where that goes.

People confuse attention seeking with cries for help all the time, since no one really can know for sure what’s going on behind the eyes of someone as confused and lost as someone with suicidal thoughts.

You have a choice, that’s one of the most beautiful things about people in my personal opinion. You have a choice to stay or go. To develop what’s been given to you and grow, or to quit and return to nothingness. It’s hard when we haven’t found something (or someone) to love and put our emotions into, but here’s some quotes to get you through the oncoming days and or problems. The wait may seem long, but once it’s over, it’s over.

Sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together.
No matter how many mistakes you make or how slow you progress, you are still way ahead of everyone who isn’t trying.
Life is 10% of what happens to you and 90% of how you react to it.
As we grow up, we realize it becomes less important to have more friends and more important to have real ones.
Don’t say you don’t have enough time. You have exactly the same number of hours per day that were given to Helen Keller, Pasteur, Michaelangelo, Mother Teresea, Leonardo da Vinci, Thomas Jefferson, Albert Einstein, etc…
Never do something permanently foolish just because you are temporarily upset.
Being alone does not mean you are lonely, and being lonely does not mean you are alone.
Never let a bad day make you feel like you have a bad life.

And the final one, that I want as a tattoo:
This too shall pass.

I don’t know if any of this helped, but I want you to know that right now there’s someone out there worrying for you and wishing you the best out of life she can. <3