Well long story short I come from a family that has made their own wealth through a private business of helping children with learning disorders. Love my family of two brothers, three sisters, and mom and dad.
The name is Gabe 19 years old. I’ve always felt like i have tried to do the right thing. Be polite, treat others nicely.Junior year of high school 2009  i just slipped into a huge depression sprial.  Always kinda felt i wasn’t physically fit enough, felt guilty for how others perceived me.  Never felt like i was there for who i thought was my friends. Always struggled in school but felt angry with the ease others had. Went from 220 lbs to 180 in a month… At the end of the month i had my first cigarette. Got rid of all the worthlessness and pain. Better yet i could regulate how i feel by just simply smoking a cigarette. Was a virgin to that point and always thought a relationship would be great. I had relationships before but realized they were more like obsessions. Love never was my drug… Thought my parents had a loving and good relationship but turns out my mom cheated on my dad three years before i was born. To make things better on a guy family vacation i end up losing my virginity to a woman who went to dinner with us one night. Asked her if she was involved with my dad. “I want to say no, but that wouldn’t be honest”. I don’t know if i can forgive myself for that one. Couldn’t tell the women in my family. They would think i’m scum and i felt like i had become part of what my father was doing to my mom. I detached myself emotionally. Felt confused, couldn’t comprehend. I know that it was my falut. I had a gut feeling that woman was involved with him and i disregarded that feeling.  I was drunk and i have only slept with one other girl in my life (also drunk). Felt sexually inadequate and embarrassed.   My parents are great generous people but inside of them there is this unhappiness… i feel like people just fill their lives with drugs or love or get consumed by their jobs. I know that someday i won’t stand for it anymore. How can anyone… it doesn’t make sense. I feels great to be there for people but at the end of the day we all gotta go through death alone. People may miss me or whoever but life goes on… just like every other day. Smoking cigarettes and eating unhealthy is a slower suicide.  I don’t know how to want to stop smoking and eating unhealthy. If i quit smoking i go back into that terrible dark place.. sometimes still do even with smoking.  I get angry and overwhelmed with my selfishness, weaknesses, and faults. It sucks me in and I don’t know how to stop it. Trading Cigarettes for Prescription medication doesn’t mean anything but being more socially accepted to me.  One day i just feel this thing called life  is going to consume me and leave behind something wicked for those close to me. I don’t want them to go through that pain… but at the same time i would just want them to get over it. No one body is that important it feels like and everybody has their life to live and family to feed and relationships to be had.   I don’t know where to go now
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2 comments
Please forgive me, but I have troubles spotting the problem:
you smoke, unhealthy but everyone here does it, so take it easy, you slept with a woman your father slept with too, thats unfortunate and perhaps a problem for him or her but why on earth is it a problem for you (as long as it is not oedipal) , in my humble opinion the only problem you have is a crazy moral environment. perhaps you should consider shock therapy be it prostitutes (in front of which you can’t be embaressed) or weed (which is less adictive then tobacco and way more relaxing (but probably devilry in your environment))
I read your post.
How can anyone… it doesn’t make sense.
was what stood out to me most. Sounds like you’re having some moral and existential dilemmas. It’s true, a lot of it (maybe none of it) makes sense, and life does get grinding. What it comes down to is what you take out of it. Try to see what it is you love in life, and hold onto that. It will save your life.