Soon, I will have to make a difficult decision. I’m not sure exactly when, but there is already this particular feeling- almost like an adrenaline reaction- slowly pushing my blood towards the surface of my skin, silently speeding my heart rate up, gradually shutting down my ability to feel anything but so fucking tense.
Someone is abusing me, quite badly and I have only recently come to the sense that I might perhaps matter in this world and that I don’t deserve mean hands touching me all the time. I want to speak of the injustices done to me, I want to be humble enough to ask for help, but I’m too worried of the consequence. I’ve been silent my whole life, why say anything now?
I’m a hypocrite. I always say that people should suck it the fuck up and everyone wants to be a victim these days. Well, I’m the patron saint of victims and I deserve shit for help. I’m apathetic; cynical; already bitter in my young age; clinical; cold; I contribute nothing to society. I am the generation of “yolo†and spelling errors and ignorance and overpopulation and fucking Justin Bieber and I need to off myself within the next week or someone else will do it for me and I fucking promised myself that I’d be the one to kill me so do the job of instructing me on how to ask for assistance. You are my professors, teach me to say please.
2 comments
I understand how hard it can be to ask for help, to tell someone you are being abused, but you don’t have to live with that abuse, your life can have a positive outcome, it might not seem so right now, but we can never fully see the future, we can only assume what will happen based on our decisions. If you make this decision to ask for help, to tell someone, you will have a better life, you will be far away from whoever is abusing you, and you won’t ever have to deal with them again. You should ask for help, you have nothing to lose, but everything to gain, I wish you the best of luck, and please evaluate your desicion before you do anything irrational
“I’m a hypocrite. I always say that people should suck it the fuck up and everyone wants to be a victim these days. Well, I’m the patron saint of victims and I deserve shit for help.”
I wouldn’t beat yourself up about being a hypocrite. What you say is true — you don’t have to be a rocket-scientist to see that people today do often want to cast themselves as victims, and yes, it’s bad. …But there are always genuine cases, too: and it sounds as though yours might be one of them.
If speaking about it really isn’t an option, what about just taking off? If you’re young, you probably won’t have dependants and a mortgage and a career and all that stuff. A flit is less final than suicide, and a change of environment can give you a breather and a clearer view of your overall circumstances.