No Wonder

I lay awake at night. Restless. Another sleepless night. The voices spin me around like one of those carnival rides we used to love so much. Out of control. Disoriented. Vertigo.

Heartless. *****. Worthless.

Give me a chance! Forever Alone.

Sing better. Draw better. Play better.

I’ll try harder! A disappointment.

Not pretty enough. Not smart enough. Not kind enough.

I’ll be better! Never good enough.

Hated. Unloved. Pathetic.

Give me a chance! Not wanted.

STOP!

But the voices in my head don’t stop… they never stop. Of course these voices aren’t just in my head.

No wonder I don’t sleep.

I ask you to love me, protect me. This is your job isn’t it? Instead you demean me, hurt me, hate me. I look down at my bloodied and broken body, and I wonder what I’ve done wrong. Why you’ve put a blade to my skin, a gun to my head, a fist to my face. With every cut, every strike, every hateful word, I sink deeper and deeper into darkness. The light in my eyes dims until I’m almost unrecognizable.

No wonder I can’t love myself.

Fastened in darkness. The weight of my world becomes too heavy. Unbearable. Pushed farther and farther down into the blackness. Only in the briefest of moments do I believe I’ll be saved. Like a flash of lightning on a stormy evening. A single moment where the world around me is clear and bright and illuminated. But as quickly as that moment came, it disappears again. Leaving me alone in the shadows.

I drop to my knees and cry out. Come back. Save me. My outstretched hand searches for anything, for anyone to hold onto. Nothing. No one.

No wonder I have no hope.