… that the ancient Greeks used the word “logos” to mean both “word” and “reason”? I suppose the linkage of the two sort of explains why finding new ways to describe an old idea seems to somehow bring insight to a situation, regardless of how absurd those words might seem at face-value.
After some fruitless discussions with my family about my mental/emotional health (and by “discussions I mean “interrogations”), I think I’ve finally found a way to articulate exactly what my issue is (so to speak).
To give some context here, I play a LOT of pen-and-paper role-playing games. Dungeons & Dragons, d20 Modern… you name it, I’ve played it (or at least I’ve heard of it and read the rules). The analogy I usually default to when explaining the nature of these games to the uneducated is that it’s a lot like cooperative story-telling with a fuckton of rules. In these games, there are two types of characters: Player Characters (“PCs”) and non-player characters (“NPCs”).
PCs are the main characters in the game’s story. They go out and save the world from evil, etc. NPCs are effectively the supporting cast of the story: their purpose is to advance the plot, to help the PCs on their quests, and in some cases to be the villain(s) in the story.
Recently I realized that I am an NPC. I’m a nameless, faceless nobody. Once my purpose has been served, or keeping me around becomes inconvenient, I’m simply written out of the story. Ultimately, NPCs are completely replaceable. NPCs may have interesting personalities and their own hopes and dreams and everything, but the fact remains that they exist solely as devices to move the game’s plot forward. Even the best and most well-liked NPCs are doomed to play second fiddle to the PCs in terms of what they can accomplish.
Interestingly (and perhaps ironically) this is the reason I spend so much time playing these games: I want to be the hero. I want to be the one that people turn to and say “Thank God you’re here! Only you can save us, DraAtHelvete!” I want to be the one slaying dragons and rescuing princesses and shit. I want to feel like my actions and my choices have a real and significant impact on the story. I want to be a PC.
I’m tired of feeling like I’m powerless to change the story of my life. I’m tired of feeling like my dreams and aspirations can never become realities. I’m tired of being dragged along in whatever the universe throws my way because that’s what I was meant to do.
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Svensk?