Where went my spirit of the season? It is not here with me now, I cannot reach it to invite it to be with me…
ife is about as fun as the droplets of rain that trickle down the panes of the windows I stare out of.
The sky is gray and dull. Not flannel grey, being all soft and cuddly and comforting, the other gray and dull. The barely there whiteness of cold steel silver skies, observed through unhappy eyes, eyes that used to be twinkling happy expectant eyes. The eyes that search for a path of hope to lead itself through to calmness and betterment.
To stop apologizing and to stop living in the past. The weather mirrors my mood? My mood mirrors the weather. I am just gonna let the weather cry all the raindrop tears for me because I am tired and can’t do it any more.
I don’t wanna be lost anymore. I don’t want a lot of shit in my life so the shit that I do have, its mostly ick, cept for the girlchild, she is the bright spot but the rest is ick
8 comments
claira,
i like your style! very moving! it made me real sad! try to get in the sprit anyways make some xmas cookies.
I don’t know you rocketman, but I get your sense of humor. You make me laugh.
Claire, I’m sorry your days are dark, gray, and dreay. Before I got heavily medicated my life was all black and white, but I can now see color. Thanks to my pretty little pills.
blackhole,
See what I mean I can’t help it!
The pills work for you? I’m glad they make me feel numb, they help me a bit and desensitize me at the same time.
I used to be numb until recently. New meds seem to be working, I don’t feel like killing myself every minute of the day. Now it’s just sometimes.
what are the meds? What would be the most effective to try to suggest to my doctor? I have “issues” with taking meds in that over 6 yrs ago I was prescribed effexor/wellbutrin and lots of time off work for what they said was “stress” when the reality was a fricken brain tumour, so the four years of being medicated were not necessary nor helpful at that time. maybe now they could help but can I afford them, do they offer free meds anywhere? lol ? not likely? thanks
claira,
BRAIN TUMOUR! Very sorry to hear that did they take care of it? I have nerve damage and the meds help but it’s not a cure and it will never will be. I will feel like shit till you know when. But I’m going to hang “not literally”
no this tumour can not be “taken care of” because it is in the middle of life sustaining section of the brain, so
MRI scansnevery two years to check up on its growth…the other things I am able to do are visualisations of the cerebral fluid washing over it to shrink it…scary shit that mind imagery…anything helps really, trying to fill up my list of options to choose from when things get black and talk to my higher power a lot… no meds yet…really not keen to take them… What is the nerve damage from?
claira,
.Well I’m very sorry I wish you the best I hope thing go ok for you, me? Oh boy long story but I’ll make it short, I worked with x-ray the kind you shoot thru steel heavy duty shit! not like the hospitals, anyways I shot myself in the back and grew a bump as big as a golf ball, I had it removed it was not cancerous but mutated cells, it looked like crab meat, yuck!,anyways I believe it messed up my nervous system to where I have uncomfortable feeling in my feet my hands and we’ll all over, they never go away, only when I sleep, it’s really hard to deal with it 24hrs a day, but I’m trying and I can but sometimes I say to myself is it really worth it, it drives me nuts. Thank you for asking.