not to sound like a broken record, but man have these past few weeks been hard. i don’t even know what to type, even though i know i want to get things off my chest; it’s annoying. finding things to keep my brain busy, or else i might just lose the small amount of sanity i have left. besides, classes start again next week. i don’t know what to think, or what i need or crave. actually, now that i’m actively trying to think, i don’t really feel anything; it’s a bit like being self aware while asleep. i feel scripted.
generally, people always give the advice of putting yourself and your needs first. why is it that when i do it, i’m being selfish and purposely making like harder for everyone?
honestly i’ve been thinking so immaturely lately, i don’t know why.
i’m upset right now, actually. this whole week has been kind of hard, between balancing school assignments, some home finances, house work, doing just about anything that my mom doesn’t want to do and spending my mornings in waiting rooms while she does some exercises has been a bit much. finally, today i decided i’d work all afternoon on my own work i need to get done but everyone keeps asking me to do things for them and to help them and it’s FRUSTRATING that i have to help everyone but nobody wants to help me with anything.
i don’t know, it feels like i’m throwing a tantrum
Feeling like I’m going insane.
And I gotta play this game.
Alone and nobody gives a damn.
She said she’s my best friend but what?
Nobody hits up my phone up.
Everybody say they have depression and they’re all alone but it’s all just a facade. Like it’s trendy now to wear it as a badge of honor. When in fact you’re charged guilty pleading your honor.
Fk why I gotta bottle
Everything up inside
Gambling with my life like a lotto.
It’s past midnight.
Dreams of waking up to a better life, resting in peace.
Pent up in here
Left all alone, I’m with
The one I most fear
I’m sick and I’m tired
Just want to break out
Shake off this skin
Loom larger than life
I can’t swallow
Seems like my shadow
Mocks every stride
Can I learn to live with
What’s trapped inside?
Pent up in here
Left all alone, I’m with
The one I most fear
I’m sick and I’m tired
Just wanna break out
Shake off this skin
I can’t escape myself
I can’t escape myself
I need some company
I miss the noise of life
The silence deafens me
The minutes I can’t kill
I keep an eye on the time
I catch it standing still
In my hour of need
Sometimes I get so near
I journey aimless days
But always end up here
In my hour of need
In my hour of need
In my hour of need
I’m so tired of my freaking job… Sigh…
It’s just so demanding…
I work at Goodwill and here everything is already used and donated so everything is priced by stickers that can easily come off. o.o Then it has to be updated weekly as much as possible while old stuff comes off…
It’s hard to explain, but this can be really hard and exhausting…
For me at least, it’s a one man job too and I often even run out of stuff! Then like, I had to take a week off to spend time with my family and it was nice to get away from everything… but then of courde that had to make things a lot harder…
It’s often unhygenic too and I find myself sneezing a lot from thr fust and other stuff…
Then they got all these “values” messages blaring repeatedly every day in the store, and all this crappy music I’m sick and tired of hearing of…
This job is honestly one of the maon reasons why I want to kill myself, though I also seem to have no real life friends or even a future so there’s that too.
I still live with my family at 27… my parents got divorced when I was in middle school as a teen or something, however long back, but like last friday for a few hours midday my dad and stepmom were fighting too which my stepmom has also been married to someone else before and has kids so yeah… just neverending remarriages and fighting, god I hate everything…
I’m diagnosed with autism too even though the symptoms don’t really fit me. I’m not literal minded, I had to learn poetry in 7th grade before I was even diagnosed as a high schooler. Then doctors thought I had ADHD as a child and so on…
I mean, I guess I don’t really get along with people but…
I just don’t understsnd why it’s only me in my life and all these other jerk offs are able to be considered completelt normal even though some of them make me feel like crap.
I had to get a special program called DARS to help me because when I tried myself about 5 years or so after graduation and getting fed up no one would hire me… ot was hard too because I have social anxiety, least over formality… it just seems so… arbitarily judging, it scares me…
I can’t seem to quit my job either because my dad says it would cost me money next time to help me…
He literally does not give a crap about abything, I hate him…
You ever feel like people only help you because they have to, materially, and to get something out of it or something?
I mean, he’s physically abused me before… it still hurts to remember the pain of that…
… I just want to destroy society sometimes and never have to work again… I don’t even have dreams anymore…
I mean, I almost kind of want to be a therapist, maybe, but…
God idk I’d rather just die soon…
If I ever die on all of you then I’m sorry…
If being an adult as far as liking comedies go is to like stuff like Soith Park and The Big Bang Theory like my family does, then I’d rather not having anything to do with it!
I can’t stand all that “rude and crude” humor, it’s terrible, every character annoys me in these sitcoms, none of them are relatable or sympathetic at all…
And I find so many things about being an adult really complicated and hard…
Getting a license, getting a college degree, getting a bank account and debit (I have that set up though), learning to drive, how real estate works so I know how to get my own place, etc…
Dude, no one has ever told me how to do anything. ._. Doing everything on my own is hard…
I kind of want to be a kid again… except I don’t. I don’t want to be taken care of anymore and I don’t think the nostalgia of old games or show I grew up with matter, I can just use stuff like youtube or dowbloading an emulator for that, usually… and I have done that for a few things a long time ago. :p
I kind of miss my self… When I was lot happier and I didn’t know how muxh the world sucked and how superficial everything seems…
Sometimes I just want to live in nature and know how wilderness survival works…
Man, idk… It’s not like instinctual to know how society works, right? It’s something you learn and gdt taught to you somehow, or do yourself…
It’s just… ughhh…
Song by David Bowie.
After graduating high school, I became a hermit for four years. During that period of isolation, I grew depressed and developed an intense fear of being seen by other people. The thought of killing myself came up frequently, but I was more comfortable in those days than any other time of my adult life. Now I have a job for the first time and live in a better house with my brother, but I still don’t feel much better. How people are able to connect with each other has always puzzled me. What is the point of living if you don’t even have people who value you? No one wants me. My family is used to me, but do they want me? I’m always second to someone. The minute I decide to put myself out there, suddenly the other person draws back and ignores me. This really isn’t coming out right, but all I want now is something to make me feel better. I’ve been wasting my money on things with the intention of gaining some relief. Alcohol did nothing but make me dizzy and I’m too ugly to drown my feelings in sex(I’m a woman by the way). I swear to god all I think about these days is getting fucked. I’m 22 years old yet I look like a sad, chubby, gender-less child. I hate myself. There was a time when I literally was afraid to look at myself in a mirror. A guy at work who I see everyday didn’t bother to learn my name until some other girl told him over the phone ( we wear name tags). I don’t have any ambition so it’s not like I can ignore the superficial in favor of pursuing some fucking goal. So I just eat. That’s all that makes me feel better these days. Fuck it. If I ever lose my virginity, it will probably be a brutal rape like that girl in the movie Ma Soeur. That’s all I’m worth…
I’ve been wanting to go back home since the first night i spent here. Back then i thought we’d bought a ticket for me to go back after around six months, so i wasn’t all that worried. Though my mum told me in January we got a one way ticket. I was a bit upset, but thought, “i’ll just have to get through it and then i’ll go back”. But now, going back has been written down as probably the biggest failure. There’s such high expectations that i simply cannot meet. Everyone asks me what i want to do and why didn’t i think about what i wanted to study while in school. How am i supposed to say that i never thought about it because i never planned to make it past high school? That’s not something you just bring up. I really just want to go home. I’m 19 and I’m really dependent of my mum, even though i try to pretend like i’m really independent. I’m not. A few things have happened that, i believe, have made me like that, but whatever. It’s not that i don’t want to have responsibilities or don’t want to work, it’s that i actually feel like i’m going crazy. I’m delusional most of the times, I can’t sleep, I can’t think properly, and i’m called lazy. It also seems like these days all i do is complain whenever my brain is too full and i type what i think. So many people would love to be living here, would love to live in this flat, to have the view that i have, and to be able to have a chill life. And here i am, wishing i never came here in the first place; wishing a car somehow runs me over whenever i go out; being miserable.
On sunday i had an awful conversation with my brother. It was probably the worst thing you could tell me,
“I’ve given you all the space and things you need, but i think you’ve gotten too comfortable.”
“I really hope you’re trying your best, because this is not working, and it’s just wasting everyone’s time.”
Have you ever f*cked up a situation or friendship that you honestly believed was unf*ckable? That you believed was foolproof, with no f*ckabilty ratio?
I did that yesterday..and it sucks.
I just thought I could open up more, to someone I have been trying to open up to for a few years now. It is not a relationship, but it was helping me get through some things. I considered him to be a friend. And now he sees me as a crazy, depressed, hopeless loon; so I lost another friend.
Here’s to another birthday knowing that I should just keep my f*cking mouth shut when it comes to my life.
I’m very upset today, about so much..it’s too much to write. I wanted to feel better today- thankful for another year of life..but I feel very tired. Just exhausted. And I can’t tell anyone.
I guess this is why anonymity is so popular these days.
i’m really tired of being told to see a psychologist. i’m tired of being told it’ll get better. i’m just tired of all this false hope people expect me to soak in like a sponge. they expect me to instantly be cured of my illness just by simply looking at the bigger picture. i don’t see a bigger picture for me, i don’t want there to be one. i want to be dead.
yesterday i took full advantage of the numbness i’ve been feeling for the past few days. since i haven’t felt anything; not anxious, sad, happy, stressed, anything; i decided to finally make an appointment to talk with someone about what’s going on with my brain. it’s too annoying to ignore now, and honestly i doubt that’ll make it worse so i may as well try. the appointment is on the 28th, so in about two weeks but i guess it’s a nice thing and good news, i honestly don’t know and currently couldn’t care less. let’s see how that works out.
i don’t know why, but i’ve been having a lot of trouble sleeping. on sunday i went to bed at 4 and woke up at 8. last night i didn’t sleep at all, but i took a nap at 10 because i had to work tonight. and today, here i am. it’s 2:45 and i’m about to go try and sleep. it’s really hard though. most people tell me to just go to bed earlier, but the thing is i just can’t seem to stay asleep for long. i constantly wake up, which makes me more tired. i even noticed how i feel more awake when i barely sleep, which is worrying. i really don’t get it. anyways, today i made a list of really short term goals, to see if it at least makes me a bit excited for the future. let’s hope it does.
today was a busy day. very tiring. though i have two days off now, so that’s good. it rarely feels like i’m actually living though, i’m just going through motions. it’s weird.
still can’t sleep, but oh well.
So tired of my shitty, sad, pathetic life
So tired of being sad and depressed all the time
So tired of being lethargic
So tired of being physically sick
So tired physically
So tired of being in fear, of things being taken away from me
So tired of procrastinating and not getting things done
So tired of the shitty people who purposely want to screw me over
So tired of being alone and lonely, but
So tired of attracting only shitty people
So tired of the universe constantly shitting on me
So tired of being sad, depressed, lonely me
So tired of being so fucking tired all the time
So tired of it all
Firstly, I should sorry for my English, I’m not a native speaker. So, okay…
Why am I can’t be just happy? Why I have to bear all this pain, hiding deep inside in me? I only want to smile so heartily as I was smiling before but it seems to me that I need to wait a lot of time before I can say that I am really happy. I just hate to wear this mask, to behave like everything is okay, to lie to myself that this time will end soon.
I’m tired. I’m so tired of it…
It’s started in the beginning of August, and I honestly thought my depression is finally over in the end of October but now I’m understanding that this depression only became weaker but didn’t disappear at all.
I hardly can find the reason why am I feeling so sad last time. I’ve got great parents who truly love me, I’ve got awesome sisters and brother, I’ve got the best friends ever… But I feel like I lost something important for me. One important detail that made me happy.
I want to be hugged by someone who really loved me. No matter, will it be friend’s love or parents’. I only want to feel myself safe… It’s killing me. I want to disappear for some weeks. Or for months. Or forever.
I’m tired and I need help.
Whenever people ask me, “Hey man, how are you?” My response is always tired. And this is a true statement because I most likely didn’t get an appropriate amount of sleep last night.
Unfortunately that isn’t because of an inability to sleep, its because I’m just, tired.
I’m tired of having to wake up. Im tired of having to get dressed, I’m tired of going to school, Im tired of getting yelled at, Im tired of crying, Im tired of feeling like I’m not good enough, Im tired of everything.
Im just too tired to want to keep going in this life, in this timeline.
I want someone in my life to notice, but I also don’t. I don’t want someone worrying about me, but at the same time I do.
I’m tired of my parents thinking of me as a failure in the family, that I’m not good enough. My father is constantly telling me that I will be the first one in my family to not go to university, that I will never get a job, that I will never marry, that I will never be happy.
All I want to do in this life is make my parents happy, but unfortunately that isn’t what I’m good at anymore. I really miss the times when they would say everything will be alright and I will be good, that i can still fix this. But now they look at me and I can see the disappointment and the sadness at what I’ve become.
I’ve tried many times to end it all. I drank bleach, survived. I cut myself open, survived. I even became so desperate that I tested the limits of my latex allergy (I am anaphylactic to latex) by inhaling three ballons, but nothing happened. I was fine.
I got a mixed feeling. I was relieved that I was still alive, but I dreaded everything else. The living, the scrutinizing glares of my family and of just being alive.
I’m just tired of it all.
I feel done. It’s this feeling of emptiness and loneliness. I don’t have any motivation to do anything. I’m so much more tired to do things. I just want to sleep all day. I don’t know why I feel this way. I just do. I can’t talk to anyone about it because my friends won’t understand and my parents will just say that I’m being dramatic.
I’ve been carrying this illness for years and didn’t utter a word to anyone, not my family, friends, the counselor I had been seeing for 5 years. I recently reached out and tried getting help. I started by telling my older sister, who then told my mum and soon I was seeing a doctor who was meant to direct me to mental health specialists. This was over 2 months ago. The doctors have done nothing. After the years of doing nothing the one time I try get help I get thrown aside. There are many other signs but this is the final one. I give up. Things will never get better and I’m just tired.
I have been eating irregularly for the past week…I don’t eat at all except for dinner (As less as possible) because I can’t avoid it, since I have it with my parents…
Now I tried eating an apple and god I feel so nauseous and urgh…Whenever I eat or see someone eat I get this feeling of wanting to throw up but I can’t?? I feel all queasy and I just…
I don’t want to get out of bed in the mornings, and I have to…At school I’m just fighting back tears all the time or thinking about suicide or those voices in my head that won’t stop…
The school psychologist told me once that I should see him whenever I felt like I couldn’t cope, but even on my worse worse days I won’t.
I see other people in my class and school who have it so much worse than me, my parents barely fight anymore, I don’t have any extra classes, and yet I still feel this way. I feel worse and worse and I still cut almost every day.
People in my class with divorced parents, or who are having it so much worse than me in every other way right now don’t even break down as easily as me or cut. I am a spoiled rich kid pretending to have a disease.
I am always a disappointment, I have no friends, no one to talk to about this…I just don’t know what to do. I am getting tired of thinking of death every day, some nights even coming to the point of looking up suicide methods on the internet and making ideations and plans while I cry myself to sleep.
I am so sick of being useless, of wasting money from my parents, on wasting people’s time and hurting others…I am just so tired of being that one spoiled rich whiny kid.
I am just so tired of myself.
I feel tired. And it’s no loner a lethargic exhaustion. It is no longer a physical over exhertion due to the lack of calories. I just am tired of everything. I am tired of being the wierdo in my family, friends, at work, and everywhere I go. I am tired of trying to make everyone laugh and happy, and then being called annoying and a fag. I am tired of doing things for people that have and will never be retured. I am tired of people hating me, for being slower than them. I am tired of not being able to unlock my full potential due to my shortcommings as a human being. I am tired of people telling me that maybe I am the problem, specifically the ones who know that I said that, I tried changing, and I then attempted to commit suicide because what they told me was something I know for a fact. I am tired of people lying to me to make me feel better. A) It doesn’t even work anymore, B) Is there really nothing good about me? I am tired of staying quiet to not offend people who wouldn’t do the same. As a matter of fact, they do the opposite constantly. On that same note, I am SICK AND FUCKING TIRED of turning the other cheek. I am sick and tired of not being able to do evil onto others because of the way I was raised. I’m sick and tired of being suck a pitiful subpar human being, that I have to take pills, JUST TO ATTEMPT TO TRY TO STAY NEUTRALLY BOUYANT. Because everyone has giving up on trying to help me float. I am tired of fighting, WHY? FOR WHAT? WHAT IS THERE TO FIGHT FOR? I am tired of the only people who want to help others are those who are also in pain, since the rest of them are unempathic psychopathic cunts. I am tired of giving people chances and overlooking their flaws. I am tired of of being tired all the time because I am never hungry and thus the lack of calories makes me tired. I am tired of being a little *****. I am tired of people thinking that I don’t know how evil they truly are. I am tired of these people not realizing that I am probably the only person who has truly overlooked their flaws and that that is no reason to torment me. I am tired of idiots who i actually hate thinking that I do like them just because unlike their cunty shitty selves, I can be polite to those who I hate and don’t act upon my hate. I am tired of knowing that I am a bastard child of two people who could’ve been sooo succesful had they not been idiots and had sex with out strings attatched. These idiods gave me the worst sicknesses of them all, life and by doing so and bringing me to this specific world they condemned me to death. I don’t understand why they decided mating was a good idea. My mother was SUCH A FUCKING IDIOT. Of all the men she could’ve chosen the one they told her no. I hope she’s happy now, because I sure as hell am not… and I let her know it every time I get the chance. I can’t say I love you anymore. I no longer feel that way. My uncle who kinda had a brain, rancorous till death hates my mother, but “loves me”. That fucker thought he played me into giving him part of my inheritance. If only he knew that as soon as he had the nerve to try to trick me, I deleted him from my love list along with my parents. Ironically, my little cousin, his daughter is probably the only person besides my first friend, that I love. If I wasn’t a fucking fag, I would’ve been with her. I am sick of preferring men over women to a 99 percentile, mainly because I am too much of a chicken shit pussywillow (lol) to make moves on girls. I’m tired of not being cute enough for anyone who I like. I am tired of being so god damned shallow. I am tired of being so stupid. I am tired of me and the circumstances that sorround me. I’m done.