Falling Apart

I’m falling apart and I’m so sick of trying, I’m so fucking sick of it, because I’m fighting so hard and I have been for so long but things are only getting worse no matter what I do.

I’m 17 and this shouldn’t be happening. I’ve been clinically depressed for over a year now, been self harming for a while, and have an eating disorder (bulimia). I’ve taken 2 overdoses in the past and have been admitted to hospital for 1 of these. I’ve also been admitted another 2 times for suicidal ideation/self harm. So that’s my story I guess.

My life is a mess now. I lost 4kg in about 2 weeks from starving/severe restriction after weeks of binging/purging where I was vomiting around 50 times a day and abusing laxatives & diet pills. I got to this weekend and could hardly walk up the stairs; I was so afraid of passing out; I ended up binging and purging and continued for the whole weekend for most of the time I was awake. Then cut and my mum found me with blood all over my arm lying on my bedroom floor so took away my blade so then when she went downstairs I pulled tons of my hair out and then hit my legs and arms and hips with a rock and banged my head on the wall I was so angry at myself for eating all that and I just wanted to hurt myself to punish myself and block out all the pain I was feeling.

I don’t know how much longer I can do this.