Mental, Hypercritical Damage

I’m such a hypocrite. I tell others not to cut.  Or not to commit suicide, when I’m over here imagining how good it would feel to see blood dripping down my arms. How much of a relief it would be to end it all. I tell my friends not to trust anyone, not even me. They always ask why and I never know what to say…but I know what I’m thinking.Even your friends can turn on you. You family even. I’ve experienced it. How great would it be just to not have to worry about anything anymore? Just disappear  Like you were never here. It doesn’t even scare me anymore. Just a couple of months ago I was smiling, crying from laughter. Now it’s hard for me not to burst out into tears. The only reason I don’t want to commit suicide is because I’m afraid of who would find me. What it would do to others. I’ve already damaged enough peoples’ life’s’.