i realised something the other day. i usually cut whenever my old cuts heal. like, when the cut gets all shiny and pink and fresh skinned… that’s when i need to cut again. i realised this the other day after a little incident at school the other day. i cut after that. the urge, no need, to cut was really bad. i looked at my thumb, near the end of november i tore my skin – the spot between the middle joints in my thumb - open with a pen lid i put tiny ridges in with my teeth. that cut was fresh skinned and pink and shiny. then there was this intense feeling in my head, going through my whole body, telling me that i HAD to cut. then i did. not deep. i can’t go deep. i’m a wuss. i put 40 cuts – more like scratches – into my stomach.
my theory, i cut when my old cuts heal. so that, in some way, i’m always hurt. but, really, i think i put the cuts there so that, in my head, i’m only physically hurt rather than emotionally and mentally. so… sorta like a mind trick, to make myself think that my head isn’t messed up.
3 comments
I understand. Your mind is trying to manifest the emotional pain you are experiencing into physical pain, into cuts; which can be seen and touched. Well I’m not trying to make it worse for you, but if you really find cutting relieving, then it is fine. Better than losing your mind, anyway.
Cutting is a good (read: effective) relief to mental pain. Given the choice, I’d take a razor to the wrist any day.
I used to cut myself many years ago. I like how you explained it and hope you do step out to seek help for the internal cuts. For me, my reason for cutting was because I felt utterly worthless. And that it didn’t matter if I bled or not.. that there was no reason to keep my flesh in tact. After several years of success and stability, here I am. I just registered on this site because those overwhelming feelings are coming back with a vengeance.. and it can be so hard to resist self-harm… but for what it’s worth, no matter how bad it gets now, I never resort to cutting. It’s been almost 15 years and although it’s tempting, I won’t actually pick up anything sharp. I hope you can break out of it too, I guess you have to really want to.