The Human Condition

I have no bitterness. I do not hate those who have wronged me. I should be thanking them, for they taught me a valuable lesson about friendship: it isn’t a real thing.

I never had much of a conscience. I can’t think of a time where my actions have made me feel guilt or remorse, but I always thought that being nice to other people would earn trust. This isn’t the case. Kindness only tells others that you are weak and can be exploited or walked over.

I think of the number of people who were only friends with me because they wanted to fuck me and it makes me laugh. My girlfriend alternates between telling me how incompetent I am at caring for myself and not fucking me. My family alternates between telling me what to do and asking for favors.

I tell all these shallow people I love them and that they are important to me. I haven’t felt any sense of emotional attachment in months. Maybe I never have. But I fake it, and the world doesn’t know any different.

I used to think I was mistreated because I’m a bad person. I was wrong here also. I’m not a bad person. And I was never mistreated. I’m just the only person with real feelings discovering he was always alone. Other people are just objects capable of suffering as much as any other animal. Their suffering exists only in my mind.

I’m not a vegetarian. I eat chicken, cow, pig; I’ve even eaten dog, and I don’t for a moment feel bad about getting sustenance from the suffering of another animal.

Someone once said “we don’t see the world as it is, we see the world as we are.” I don’t remember who and I don’t care enough to waste seconds to look it up, but that does not detract from the truth of the statement. This version of reality exists only in my head. Is it wrong to feel offended by it?

I can end it all. When I die, the reality dies too. It might be the kindest act of my life.

I won’t die though. Not yet. I feel no pain, as much as reality disgusts me. As the next generation of my shifting personality finally begins to cement itself, I realise I was just playing by the wrong rules.

Still, I have no bitterness.

P.S. Happy new year

P.P.S. I’ll be amazed if anyone actually read this far. I tried to make it interesting and philosophical, but it’s probably really boring psychopathic self-absorbed bullshit, but that’s really unavoidable from a worldview based on solipsism. Still, just needed to vent my bullshit, even if nobody ever reads it. That is kind of the idea behind solipsism anyway.

P.P.P.S. Nobody loves you and you’re going to die alone