At may this year had a boyfriend ( I am a 19 year old bisexual female) who was pro poly-amory, before I knew it I was having a party on MDMA kissing 2 friends of my boyfriend and the girl of one of those friends. I started a sexual relationship with the 2 friends and the girl ( I had my boyfriend as well) which was pretty awesome. Sometimes one on one, sometimes threesomesâ€¦ foursomesâ€¦ fivesomesâ€¦ After four weeks he broke up with me because I was too clingy. My subconscious tells me he just thought I was too fat, ugly and stupid, but he says itâ€™s just the clinginess. I still had a pretty tight (sex)relationship with one of those other friends of him, and he encouraged us to get into a serious relationship. This was pretty awesome, though I did some stupid things. He asked me to be monogamous, because I became poly. I promised him I would, but the next day I broke that promiss. I fucked my ex and that friend of him.
I had aÂ relationship with my ex for 5 months, but he couldnâ€™t handle my clinginess, my begging for prove that I was okay. He couldnâ€™t deal with my depressed downs. He said his reason was because we are too different, but heâ€™s talking shit. Iâ€™m just too up and down for him.
I know why I do stuff, I know, but I cant stop; I fuck. I watch porn. I smoke. I do drugs sometimes. I emotional eat. I cut. I do it because it makes me feel something. It makes me feel alive. It makes me feel connected. I donâ€™t care if my feelings are good or bad, Iâ€™d rather feel pain than nothing. I canâ€™t handle nothing.
So now I’m alone, no boyfriend/girlfriend. I miss the love, the craziness, the sex. I miss the approval my ex gave me. He made me feel like I was okay. He loved – or so I thought- Â my broken soul, bright eyes and unsexy body. I miss belonging somewhere. I miss being someone of worth. I miss him. I miss the life I had.
I know I am not worth such life, with him and those smart-ass university friends of his.
Guess I am not worth more then that guy ‘raping’ ( touching me while I was frozen with fear, too many thoughts and thought it would be better if ‘d just ‘let it happen’ so I would be done with him sooner and that I probably deserved it. I haven’t said ‘no’, that’s why I don’t consider it real raping) me.
Guess I am not worth to be loved since I’m one hell of a dumbfuck, with a big fat body and a troubled mind.
I’m sorry. I’m just in deep shit.
I went to the GP, he send me to a psygiatrist but they have no time in the next 5 months. and neither do the rest of the institutions in my neighborhood.