how do you convey to someone that it isn’t their fault, but they are the reason?
how do you tell someone not to blame themselves for your death, but if they would have only listened and been there, then so too would you still be there?
is it possible at all to leave them with the full understanding that while you did not go with anger or resentment for them and their inaction… you still chose to die because they chose to leave you?
i am having trouble writing my final letters, and if anyone has any thoughts on how to properly express the above sentiments i would sincerely appreciate it. thank you
11 comments
I wrote a letter like this. Countless times. In all of them, I explained why. I pulled and called specific people.
Dad- Chose my cousin over his own son, ignored me for a good decade.
Cousin- Once my friend, your actions do nothing but make me hate you.
Friends- You’ve done nothing wrong. But I felt distant. Too distant to take it.
Go on to say it’s nobody’s fault, you’re just trying to find peace, and this was the most promising way.
But also, you can try talking to some people here. All of us do listen, even I will. So, before you do anything, take a minute or two to explain.
Why not try telling the person that you will literally die without him/her? Also, have you tried finding someone else to love?
hmmm… yeah, i wrote a few drafts like that but after i would re-read them it seemed like all i was saying was it’s all your fault and you now have to live with that knowledge for the rest of your life.
i don’t want to cause any trauma to her, but obviously since these will be the absolute last words from me she will ever read, there need to be no confusion or half-truths. i am ending my life because a life without her is not worth living. because as long as i still have breath upon my lips, i will call out my love to her. it seems the only way to give her what she now says she wants, is to end myself so i never will try to be with her ever again.
the story is too long and complicated to try and explain, so i apologize for not really wishing to get into it right now. needless to say it’s love. love that was promised to last forever no matter what, but in reality only lasted as long as it was not too difficult. our marriage vows did speak of for better or worse, in sickness and in health… but once it became hard, i was tossed and abandoned and replaced in less than 6 months.
regardless, i need to let her know that while i did choose to end my own life, i would have never done so if she would have chosen to at the very least be the kind and caring person i know she is, but is now refusing to be.
I’m sorry to hear that your wife has treated you so poorly, but I don’t believe that anyone is worth killing yourself over. Marriages fall apart all the time these days. It doesn’t make you a failure. Just find someone else to love.
dave – not everyone understands this and some even ridicule it and say it’s no reason at all to die, but there is nothing without her. there is and will be no one else in my heart of hearts. i could pretend, and eventually yes i might even love another. but i know in my heart that i will always consider that second place. any and every other relationship will be absolutely considered a consolation prize to my true love. and that isn’t fair to me or to any one else.
so i am not willing to find a fake secondary happiness. this is what love means to me. if true love isn’t worth dying for, then i don’t know what is..
I know how you feel. I thought I was in love before, but if the person that you’re in love with doesn’t love you back, then your no longer in love. If you truly believe that your wife is your soulmate and you cannot live without her, then tell her this and make her realize that she would be happier with you.
i have been trying. for 16 months now. i fully understand that you cannot “make” someone love you. and i have not been trying to make her do anything that she doesn’t want to do. i have been trying to show her that it is possible to work things out, if only she would give it a chance. but she refuses. and i do not wish to manipulate her feelings by telling her “you have to come back or i will kill myself”… that isn’t fair or right of me either.
i am simply looking for the best possible way to explain to her that my death is because she left me and ignored me, but i don’t hate or resent her for it.
But then she will feel guilty for the rest of her life knowing that she caused your death. That is a HUGE burden to place on the woman that you love.
dave – i apologize as i am a bit stressed and short tempered right now, but you seem to not be understanding the situation and original reason for my post. also, yes as much as i truly do love her i do not wish to place any burden of guilt on her. that is why i posted my original question.
and to your thought that my suicide would actually cause her any grief… my absence from her life now seems to cause her no pain or burden whatsoever. so my death would hardly make a difference to her current lifestyle anyway. as i see it, my death would only be a good thing for her, because i will finally stop my attempts to win back her heart.
so please dave, thank you for your responses, but i seem to not be able to express my thoughts very well even now.
Sorry for not being much help. I just don’t see the point of killing yourself over your ex-wife, since she doesn’t care much about you anymore.
“any and every other relationship will be absolutely considered a consolation prize to my true love. and that isn’t fair to me or to any one else.”
That is EXACTLY why I know I will never be happy again, and I can’t just fake it like the world seems to want me to.
I don’t think there’s an easy way to say what you want to say. She’s going to feel some level of guilt no matter how you present it. My plan is for my ex to never find out. If he tries to contact me and I don’t respond, I would rather he assume I’ve simply moved on.