I feel like I’m in need for a confession right now. I don’t have friends to talk about my depression nor I know of any other place to open up about how I feel, so might as well write here. I feel though that this is completely pointless, publicly announcing my thoughts and such, since hundreds of others share the same story as I do. I’m in desperate need of opening up anyways so here we go.
So just like any other typical depressed person, I was bullied for years, starting from age 10. I was bullied for my looks inside and outside of school. I really had no escape, so I was just bearing with it. I never really had friends but I was okay about that. This was my life and I didn’t know any better how it would feel like to have a happy, social life. Some time during middle school I changed schools, I found a couple of friends. I felt like I finally had the chance to show who I actually was and I was finally happy after all the years of bullying. Then suddenly one of them left me, admitting that I wasn’t ‘cool enough’ for her. I mean sure, I was never pretty and my social skills were lacking spunk, but she basically left me when she didn’t ‘need’ me anymore. I was hurt of course, but I didn’t really care. Later on I got better friends, whom I really got attached to.
I started to feel ugly, as in like physically ugly, and I started hating myself because of it. I actually started cutting myself because of my looks. I know, pathetic, but I was only 14, I didn’t know any better. I saw the world being revolved around looks back then. Later on I started to feel of burden to everyone. This was when I was 16. I cut myself again and started crying to my friends about how much I hated myself for always burdening everyone. Then of course, I realized I started burdening them more from even telling about how I felt about myself. I started to make their life less nice etc.
And now, age 17, I’m stuck like this. I feel alone, I don’t know how to communicate with people nor I have anyone to tell my worries to. I feel as if I’m an idiot, a burden, not cared for, trying too hard. I’m just nothing. I feel emptiness. I don’t get love from my family either. I know I’ve closed myself now from everyone and I wish I’ve never met any of the great friends I have today.
Why do I hate myself? Well let me give you a nice, brief list:
- I’m ugly
- I’m a burden to everyone
- I’m always making a fool out of myself
- I’m not special in anyway
- I get annoyed by people way too easily
- I have difficulties with tolerating a lot of people
- I’m basically a joke for thinking I would ever be anything
- I’m REALLY annoying
- My voice is terrible too
- I believe way too easily that people would have cared for me
I’m an idiot, who doesn’t deserve great people around me. I don’t want people to even get to know me, since what happiness do I bring to anyone’s life?
Now here’s another thing. Because of this, I really don’t want to date anyone. I really don’t want anyone to end up with a fucked up person like me. But, then again, I’m feeling lonely. I don’t want anyone but I still need someone. It doesn’t make any sense I know, not even for me.
But in the end, I think I will be most mentally stabled if I was left alone from everyone. I feel like I would commit suicide even if I was with someone or not. I don’t know when that will happen, but might as well be tonight. I stopped caring about my situation 6 months ago and just lived on being unhappy. I don’t mind, as long as no one is bothered by me, I’m cool with being alone.
2 comments
“I don’t want anyone but I still need someone.” I think many of us here feel the same way, stuck in a spiral of trying to reach out and smacking ourselves down. I personally believe I have every problem you listed above as well, but if you look at them rationally, they are all subjective. ugliness, as well as beauty, is in the eye of the beholder. how can you know there aren’t guys thinking to themselves you’re beautiful? maybe suddenly putting all your weight on your friends isn’t such a good idea, but telling them a small secret would go a long way to reducing the burden of isolation and depression.
you think too much about others and not enough about yourself. the only thing that makes standards for you is what others think or at least what you think they think.
i was just like you, and i must say, you can get over those things you think and feel about yourself. and you must get over them in order to have your chance at happiness. but give yourself a chance.
i still suck at communicating, but i stopped thinking that i’m so bad and it stopped paralyzing my life. what helped me was a psychologist and my wish to do something about that problem of mine.
it would be a waste if you don’t try, so please try to change that way you see yourself and others, it’s only and illusion and it’s hurting you.