I’ve been suicidal for the past 7 years (ever since I hit puberty).
I need to die, now. I can’t do it anymore. This is what I want, this is my greatest wish. There’s just too much stress and no, I really do NOT care about how other people will feel and what will happen after I’m gone.
My only problem now is how to make this fool-proof, so that I don’t end up in a hospital again. I want my death to be certain.
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Why do you want to end your life so badly Raven? What has caused you so much pain?
Just living with it for so long. I’ve made my ex-girlfriend my babysitter for my problems, and she left me for it. My dad’s moving away and my mom expects me to pick up all the chores, as she’s sick in bed. My brother’s an asshole and doesn’t understand anything more complex than what happens in his video games. It’s just not worth it. And no one can guilt-trip me into feeling otherwise anymore. I want to end my life, and that’s final. I don’t need you or anyone else telling me “it’s not worth it” or “suicide is never the answer”. I don’t care anymore.
I can’t remember a time I didn’t go to bed hoping that I wouldn’t open them in the morning.
No matter how much I think about suicide I don’t seem to be able to act on it.
It isn’t that I think it’s wrong or that doing so would impact people I care about in anyway, I just can’t seem to act.
The more I’ve read and observed myself and others I begun to wonder if its fate.
By the age of 5, by nature and nurture it’s pretty much predetermined how we will deal with life. If its possible to exercise free will at all I suspect it’s very difficult.
Wanting to commit suicide and not acting on it was just one more frustration. I’ve pretty much come to terms with that and now when I find myself thinking about it, I just stop. It hasn’t stopped the thought that maybe this time I won’t wake in the morning but I’m not frustrating myself with yet another failure of action.
Stopping has been a surprisingly helpful with other thoughts that never went any where. I no long appeal to hope, meaning, happiness even love (and I guess death) and find it actually freeing.
It’s not that I don’t love or experience happiness in some moment but that I don’t appeal to it. I don’t run towards, or away, and I don’t grasp or hold on.