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I fight and I fight…why do I fight!? I fight to live, I fight to breathe, I fight to eat, I fight to smile, I fight to be happy. Why am I fighting myself!? In this endless battle, I am always winning! I constantly win the battle, I fight for the right to hurt myself! When will my REDEMPTION come!? Why wont people understand the pain and hurt that I inflict upon myself!? It is not my fault, I do not consciously choose to harm myself. DO I!? I look to blame no one, yet the universe always finds a way to FUCK with me! What can I do!? How can I not blame the world for this endless pain!? I just wish things were easier! No one said life would be easy..but out of ALL people…why would GOD choose me to endure this pain!? Did He not see this coming!? I want to know why God would let me bare all of these burdens..why would He let anyone face this much anguish!? Sometimes I hurt so badly..sometimes I ache, a rather dull ache. ALWAYS falling apart, always crying, always begging God for a way to relieve this pain. No one sees it coming, where does it even come from!? I get so tired of crying, I get so tired of being punished for punishing myself…I get so tired of punishing myself..I get so tired of being looked down upon. I get so tired of being in EMOTIONAL pain…I get so tired of being MISUNDERSTOOD! aI am constantly looking for a way out. These emotions are so intense, they feel like “normal” times 10! What is NORMAL!? If everyone is different, is there really a such thing as “NORMAL”!? I just dont want to hurt! I dont want to cut myself! I dont want to sit in my room and cry! I want to be held in someones arms, I want them to reassure me that everything is okay. I want someone to understand my wrong doings and NOT to judge me! I want to feel “NORMAL”! I want to feel like….EVERYTHING IS OKAY! I want a shoulder to cry on..I want to end the nights where, I am bawled up in a corner, Laying in my bed, headphones BLARING music, tears rolling down my cheeks, and feeling emotionally OVERWHELMED! I want to end this pain…I want to end so much more! I WANT OUT! please stop this hurt! OMGSH! It hurts so much!!!!!! :'{ How can so much pain fill one body!? pleaseeee stop itt!

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AMantleOfBlue 1/22/2013 - 1:41 am

I’ve never cut in my life and I just want you to know that I don’t judge you for a millisecond of a millisecond. It’s so hard to let go of that deep anguish that can fill one’s heart. So true that pain that feels absolutely unbearable but don’t despair. Demand healing from the God who loves you. God is for you. Not against you. He allows suffering but it is beyond our understanding as to why he wouldn’t relieve the pain. I think it has something to do with free will. If someone has hurt you they chose to. God gave us feelings to feel. You have to reach out to God! Scream for his help to give you mercy and allow. Yourself to be fully receptive of his love.

gr82bme123 1/22/2013 - 1:55 am

Thank you for commenting on my post! :’}

AMantleOfBlue 1/22/2013 - 2:09 am

You’re welcome. Take care.

gr82bme123 1/22/2013 - 2:11 am

you too

Engeltje 1/22/2013 - 1:53 pm

Be strong! I know you can!

rocketman 1/22/2013 - 2:02 pm

gr82bme123,
hello i’m looking to make some friends after reading your post i would like to talk with you if you’d like? recycling1000@ yahoo.com

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