Internal Affairs

I fight and I fight…why do I fight!? I fight to live, I fight to breathe, I fight to eat, I fight to smile, I fight to be happy. Why am I fighting myself!? In this endless battle, I am always winning! I constantly win the battle, I fight for the right to hurt myself! When will my REDEMPTION come!? Why wont people understand the pain and hurt that I inflict upon myself!? It is not my fault, I do not consciously choose to harm myself. DO I!? I look to blame no one, yet the universe always finds a way to FUCK with me! What can I do!? How can I not blame the world for this endless pain!? I just wish things were easier! No one said life would be easy..but out of ALL people…why would GOD choose me to endure this pain!? Did He not see this coming!? I want to know why God would let me bare all of these burdens..why would He let anyone face this much anguish!? Sometimes I hurt so badly..sometimes I ache, a rather dull ache. ALWAYS falling apart, always crying, always begging God for a way to relieve this pain. No one sees it coming, where does it even come from!? I get so tired of crying, I get so tired of being punished for punishing myself…I get so tired of punishing myself..I get so tired of being looked down upon. I get so tired of being in EMOTIONAL pain…I get so tired of being MISUNDERSTOOD! aI am constantly looking for a way out. These emotions are so intense, they feel like “normal” times 10! What is NORMAL!? If everyone is different, is there really a such thing as “NORMAL”!? I just dont want to hurt! I dont want to cut myself! I dont want to sit in my room and cry! I want to be held in someones arms, I want them to reassure me that everything is okay. I want someone to understand my wrong doings and NOT to judge me! I want to feel “NORMAL”! I want to feel like….EVERYTHING IS OKAY! I want a shoulder to cry on..I want to end the nights where, I am bawled up in a corner, Laying in my bed, headphones BLARING music, tears rolling down my cheeks, and feeling emotionally OVERWHELMED! I want to end this pain…I want to end so much more! I WANT OUT! please stop this hurt! OMGSH! It hurts so much!!!!!! :'{ How can so much pain fill one body!? pleaseeee stop itt!