my depression

I used to be one of the most nicest happiest person, until this year. this year everything changed from nicest to meanest from happy to depressed. I try so hard to be nice and happy again but for some reason every little thing that happens to me gets me angry and I just want to burst out in flames. I’ve started cutting but it hurt haha so I stopped, then I tried committing suicide. I’ve started blaming my mother for it. id yell at her call her stuff and afterwards id regret everything I said and id want to apologize but never do it. anyways back to the suicide it was so hard I just couldn’t die. I don’t know what it was though maybe I’m just afraid. I start thinking of family, friends, people I can help, marriage, kids, a family. my life is so confusing and depressing and I just want to disappear like literally disappear. but I’m just so scared of who it might hurt. people say things happen for a reason I honestly don’t think that. I just want my life to end already and for all this pain to go away. I hate when I’M with my “friends” and they tell me a whole bunch of shit that just brings me down. I have low self esteem ill admit and I know its stupid but I do for some reason and if you’re one of those people I hurt I’m sorry I know sorry doesn’t take the pain away and I know I’m not the best friend, person, daughter or sister and I’m sorry. honestly I’ve tried to change but I just cant do it I’ve already became mean and dark And no one can help me and I still do care about people and if you’re a person that’s gone through this, I’m sorry AND YES THIS IS REALLY MY STORY