My past. What i remembered of it anyways.

I cant stop shaking as the thunder rolls on, i try to breath but i feel like my throats closing my eyes are on fire as i try to keep my self from crying as i count to 10.

My past races threw my mind and i try to fight the memories i hold my hands over my head “im sorry im sorry” i scream “no more no more” The kids in class are staring but i dont care anymore, im no longer in class . I’m in my brothers room, he presses his hands agaist my chest and kisses my face, i whimper begging him to stop. He holds his hand over my mouth as he unzips my pants. No i try to scream but i’m drowned out by the sound of thunder. No ones home, just me and him.

Alone.

He whispers in my ear its okay shh. shh. I still scream. I still plead for him to stop, it hurts, it hurts, thats all i know. He’s angry now .. that was the first time that night he hit me. I lay their limp as his hands abuse my body, im only eight.. to weak to fight, he then sits up and pulls me towards him.

Do you like suckers?

I whisper yes shaking

He tells me to suck on somthing.. i dont know what it is, but i dont argue.I soon felt something warm in my mouth but before i can say anything else we hear the garage door over the sound of thunder.

“Put your cloths on”  he yells at me. And i do as he say. He throws me back onto the top bunk and we pretend to be asleep as my grandma walks in.

I lay their shaking in my bed to terrorfied to move. I lay their pants still not fully on. But im under the covers now.. it’ll be fine.

She shuts the door and after 10 minutes my brother stand up on the bed and leans over kissing me agressivly. “this is our secret” he says pinching my skin. I whimper but whisper yes.

He never touched me again. But i never forgot that night 5 years later i held a pair of scissors to my wrist, slicing slicing, why was i remembering this now, why now. I had pushed it out of my mind, it almost dissapeared. When the school found out they sent me to a counsuler. I told her after about 2 months what he had done to me. The night i lost myself in a thunderstorm, the night ill never forget. I still only remember bits and pieces and every thunderstorm i remember a bit more. They say my mind was under such stress i went into shock. I forgot things i didnt want to remember.

I sit here in class head phones in blasting out the noise i need to escape. I want to run, run till i cant run anymore. Hide in a ditch slicing at my wrist. Swallow as many pills as i can and fall still.

Anything to forget this past