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BrooklynBoxx

My names Brooklyn, im 15. I'm bisexual and in a relationship. I self harm and have severe depression. I was raped my brother and grandpa and sexually assaulted at school twice. I hate my life, and honestly i don't think anyone could truley love me.

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Hi my name is Brooke, I’m 15 with cancer.

by BrooklynBoxx
written by BrooklynBoxx
  • Abandoned by my mother
  • Raped by my grandpa
  • When i told abandoned by my grandmother
  • Raped by my brother
  • Abandoned by everyone in my family but my dad
  • Went to court
  • Diagnosed with Pseudo seizures
  • Struggling with depression, anxiety, ptsd, insomnia, cutting  and other mental illness’s

 

You would thing my life wouldn’t get any worse.

About 3 month ago, I noticed a lump in my upper left abdomen, it hurt but i ignored it.

1 month ago the pain moved to my lower right abdomen.

In my right abdomen I had an ovarian cyst. Nothing bad right?

I told them about pain on my left side. They did a CT scan. And found a mass.

For the last 2 weeks we’ve been hoping it wasn’t cancer, and that it was kidney stones.

Today I went to the urologist, and was told, it was not a kidney stones.

I’m a 15 year old girl with cancer.

After doing a CT scan today, I found out there’s tumors in both Kidneys.

In 11 days a cancer board will look at my case, decide what to do next.

Their still is a 0.01% of it being “benign” but they told me it is highly unlikely, were now trying to find out what kind of cancer it is.

If its Wilms tumor the fact that I have tumors in both kidneys would make it a stage 5

If its renal cell carcinoma stage 3. ( but cant not be treated with chemo and can progress rapidly.)

In 11 days my life can change.

.. After all I’ve been through, you would think my life would finally start going up hill

 

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The battle is much harder to fight alone…

by BrooklynBoxx
written by BrooklynBoxx

24

 

Depression is surrounding me again, I wanna cut.

I wanna feel something, I feel so numb.

Today is mine and my boyfriends 7 months.

And he’s currently looking at 10-20+ years for dating me.

He’s 21, I’m 15.

I’ve lost my best friend, and haven’t talk to him for a month and a half.

He was my reason for living.. my happiness.

And like everything else in my life it was snatched away.

I need to talk to him.. I’m slipping again.

I might break tonight.. I know if/when he finds out he’ll be so disappointed ..

but I promised not to kill my self.

And right now I’m holding a bottle of sleeping pills.

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We were happy

by BrooklynBoxx
written by BrooklynBoxx

 

Gunner1

 

 

January 25, 2013 I met the love of my life.

I’m 15, he’s 21. On January 26th we got together, knowing full well what could happen if we were to get caught. But we did research, we looked up laws. We were suppose to be okay as long as two things stood.

We didn’t have sex, and my parents consented..

On March 26th my dad found out the Nick was really 21. He told him he was never to see me again, telling me that even if he consented he would go to jail.. the police even told  me if he was to just be okay with our relationship and we weren’t having sex there was nothing the law could do to stop us.

When my parents thought he was 17, they loved him. Said he was amazing for me. They find out he’s 21 they freak. I guess I know where their coming from but this guy. He’s so much more then any one has ever been to me.

He helped me throw away razors. I promised him I would never kill my self. And I fully intend to keep that promise. I love him..

June 15, 2013. We were hanging out at my house like we always do.

My parents were suppose to be at work.

My mom was home.

I think my life finally hit rock bottomn then.

I lost the one thing that gave me hope in life. Gave me a reason for living to stop cutting. To love my self.

I cant speak to him anymore, I can’t see him anymore.

We agreed before the police escorted him out of the house we would wait till the day I’m 17, that would be when our love was legal. (Texas law 17 is age of consent)

Till then I sit hear waiting

I have 560 days to go. It kills me. I miss him. I need him.

And right now he’s looking at 5-1o years for trespassing.

5-10 years for enticing a child.

5-20 years for inappropriate relationship with a minor. (kissing )

And what ever else my dad is gonna charge him with.

This guy that everyone said was using me put me on a pedestal. He made me feel like I could truly be loved. When I had a nightmare he come over in the morning. Wrap me in his arm’s and hold me till I stopped shaking/crying.

He bought me gifts, took me on dates, listened to me. He was a best friend before we went out. And we became even closer while dating. He’d take me to school everyday, buy me food, curl up on the coach with me and just watch a movie.

I want to marry him . I know I’m 15 and all of you are saying “I don’t know what I want” , “I’m to immature” , “I’m to young”

I was raped when i was 3-8 years old. By different people. I’ve had NO self worth till I met him. I was scared to be alone with a guy , I lived in my own world and let no one in. I’ve matured faster then most, going to court, testifying, learning to deal with depression, ptsd, anxiety, psuedo seizures, ect.

I’ve grown up faster then most, and I know what I want.

Tomorrow I start school. The first time in almost 7 months of not having him drive me to school. Not looking forward to seeing him everyday.

School has never been a good place for me. No one really understands me and I get bullied a lot.

I can not begin to tell you how many times I’ve cut in those bathrooms, or how many times I’ve tried to kill my self there.

It’s hard, I miss him. I don’t understand. They didn’t even look at us as a couple.

Just a 15.

And a 21 year old.

Why can’t they actually see our relationship, then judge if it was healthy. If he was “using me”.

Cause I promise you.

He was probably the best damn thing that has ever happened to me.

 

Were the kinda of couple he wears each others stuff (he wears my bows I wear his hats)

We cuddle and watch movies. We cry together. We argue about stupid stuff. We have tickle wars. We bet kisses. He buys me stuff when I tell him over and over again not to. He makes me laugh when i cry. Were honest with each other. Were both head strong and butt heads a lot. We play call of duty. And watch anime. We sing songs in the car and take long drives.

Were happy.

Why is that so hard for everyone to understand.

We both have a bad past. And being together has made both of us happy..

 

4

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Before you make a final decision

by BrooklynBoxx
written by BrooklynBoxx

To everyone who is thinking about killing them self tonight.

To everyone who is thinking about cutting them self tonight

To everyone who is thinking about throwing up tonight.

To everyone who is thinking about not eating tonight.

Please. Listen to me. I’m where you are. I’m young. I’m lost. I have no hope. No desire to keep going on.

But your reading this now aren’t you?

Please I know you see a light at the end of the tunnel, I’ve seen it my self for many years. I’m hear on this site because I’m trying to get closer to the light. I want to, deep down in side.

Live.

So please, fight for one more minute.

Write a post then thing about it again.

Do you really wanna end your life tonight?

Do you really wanna put my cuts on your body?

Do you really wanna throw up?

Do you really not wanna eat?

Please I’m not any better then any of you. But I can tell your hurt. Upset. That’s why your here right?

I don’t have much to show from my time here on earth. But I do wanna make a difference. No matter how small it can send a rippling effect threw a pond. And you my friends are my pond.
I ask everyone on here.

Push forward. Find something to do.

Draw. Promise your self to draw one last thing before you end it. Then when you finish reconsider it.

If you still wanna kill yourself. Draw another picture.

Dance. Dance for hours till your tired and about to collapse. Then ask your self do you really wanna die?

Play video games.

Watch you tube videos.

Sing.

Play pokemon.

Watch movies.

Watch anime.

Text friends.

Have sex.

Something that makes you happy.

Something that could distract you for a while. So you can clear your head.

Then ask your self again.

Do you wanna die.

You see a light at the end of the tunnel.

I know you do.

That’s why your here.

But if your dead you’ll never find the light.

That is something i can promise you.

So please fight this feeling.

I don’t know any of you. But please feel free to email me.

BrooklynBoxx@gmail.com

Or even watch my you tube videos. It’s something I’m doing right now to keep pushing my self one day further

( PrincessBrooke2015 )

I know your struggling but please fight, I wanna make some kind of difference.
And I know whether you know it or not. You will be missed. Your absence will not go unnoticed.

 

 

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Stuck in the Past.. (I’m back)

by BrooklynBoxx
written by BrooklynBoxx

 

Is it normal… to look in the mirror and not see yourself in the reflection?

Having been so caught up in everyone’s “expectation” of you. To have completely lost yourself trying to be what everyone else wanted you to be?

Every night you dream of this life, you could NEVER have, but every day you long for it.

You have all these hopes… dreams… ideas… that you want to fulfill but just not enough time to do so.

Then you go to sleep… still having yet to achieve anything extraordinary in your life, waking up in the morning realizing your one day closer to dying.

It kills you on the inside, but you don’t know how to change it.

You envy the girl who can speak up and express how she feels and people actually support it. You envy the fact she can tell people how she feels while you have to cry alone in your room, and then plaster a fake smile on your face in the morning.

Ever since you were little you’ve had to rely on pills to make you happy.

You hate to take them but without them the darkness starts to pull you down again.

Staying up night after night jumping at every noise you hear because you’re PTSD won’t let you relax. You watch everything, everyone around you for the slightest sign. You plan ways to escape every room you enter.  

Because that’s the only way you can get by in your day to day life.

The night terrifies you and you always run away from it. But you can never seem to outrun it. The one trigger you can never truly escape.

So every night you fight to get some rest only to be greeted by nightmares if you succeed.

You live in a world where you can’t always tell what’s real.

Exhausted because you can never feel safe.

You wish you could truly express yourself to people. But you fear being judged, you can’t stand to be alone again.

You’ve spent so many years trying to get people to like you.

You hate hiding things… lying to people. It makes it harder to explain …

Like why there’s scars on your arms.

Why you wear winter cloths in the summer.

You can’t tell people how hard every day is. How a little comment they say can send you plummeting.

Whether they meant it or not, you can’t handle REAL life.

People wonder why you seem “out of it”

Girls my age day dream about boys, yet here I am day dreaming about dying.

You have so many intricate ways you’ve thought about killing yourself.

But you can’t tell anyone because you can’t stand being rejected. No matter what you can’t ask for help.  

Some nights you’ll debate in your head if the past is real or something you made up like all the adults said. I was only five or so when it began… what if it really was “ALL IN MY HEAD”

It tears you apart so many people have called you a lair you’ve even stopped believing yourself.

You don’t know who you are anymore. What you want anymore.

You know what you used to want. But it all seems lost now, you’re not even sure if you could achieve something so grand.

You’re always compared to how great everyone else is compared to you… your self-esteem drops.

Then it seems you find something that makes you happy.

You start to rebuild your self-esteem and begin to make amends with your past.

Your friends say “You look so happy” They’ve finally come back again.

You have motivation.

You want to shower.

Do your hair.

Put on makeup.

You care how you look again.

You pay attention to school.

But then just as suddenly as it came, your happiness is snatched away.

The darkness pools in.

The nightmares are back.

You put up your walls.

And once again.

You brace for an attack.

You despise your body.

You’re fat.

Every flaw you have is thrown in your face.

And if you can see it doesn’t that mean everyone else does to?

So you stop eating.

And you stop leaving the house unless you have to.

You spend every second of your day trying to mold yourself into something worthy of being seen.

Your friends all start to fade away like they always do.

All your friends disappear.

And once again the fears creep in.

The nightmares become worse.

You can’t sleep at night.

You jump at anything.

You’re constantly in fear of your life.

You plan ways on how to die.

But to everyone else they don’t understand what it’s like to be constantly afraid.

So they talk behind your back “It’s for attention”

Not even your parents understand they tell you to “get over yourself”

That other people “have it worse”

But does it really matter…

Are you other people?

And this time everyone completely abandons you.

You’re falling.

Deeper then you’ve ever fallen.

An anchor tied to your foot.

Once you’ve think you’ve hit the bottom, that you can’t go any lower than this.

You’ve fall deeper.

You’re drowning.

You just wish you could express yourself. That someone would truly listen and not judge you.

Someone who would never leave, no matter how bad it got..

But you feared so much that if you opened up that you’d get hurt. You threw away the key.

All you wanted to do was put the pieces of the puzzle back together.

To finally understand your past.

To finally solve the puzzle, once and for last.

Cause your 15 years old and no one should be stuck in the past.

water

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“I’ll Kill You”

by BrooklynBoxx
written by BrooklynBoxx

The pain hurts so bad, my body feels like someones chrushing it, and i can barley breath. Once again im alone, depressed, and with many sharp objects all i have to choose. But i sit on my bed staring at the clock whispering one more minute as his voice screams in my head “it’s our secret”…..”you better keep it”

 

“Or i’ll kill you” i wanna scream fun back to my friends, but i’ve gone home for that night and again im alone, the pain is just to much as flashbacks push there way into my head. My heads throbbing and im shaking, it feels like someones sitting on my chest.

 

As time ticked away it only hurt worse, I was having fun till i relized i would have to go home, alone, to a silent house, basically empty. My mom and dad like to ingnore the past “it never happened” I have to smile for my mom cause her mom’s sick and may die so i have to hide my emotions, keep it all it and pretend like im getting better. But his words echo in my mind “I’ll kill you”

Fear consumes my body as i shake in my bed, i dont wanna cut i wanna push throught but honestly i dont know how much i can take..

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I don’t feel safe anywhere else..

by BrooklynBoxx
written by BrooklynBoxx

The only place i really feel safe anymore is church, my friend andrew begged me for MONTHS to go with him and i caved in having given up on religion a long time ago.

Where was god when i got raped? Where was he when i asked for forgivness? To get past these feelings, to fight depression?

So i started going and i’ve started talking to a lady named candice, shes nice and is one of the youth counsulurs there. She knows a bit about my past, but i havent said much.. i’m scared their all gonna abandon me still. My trust, its so hard to earn.. i just want to be able to tell someone something. But the voices in my head keep whispering “no one cares, no one loves you, you’d be better off dead”

Also the youth pastor there is gonna try to help me work thought my depression by using scripture, i guess its worth a try, ive tried just about everything else already.

Honestly church is the only time i can let myself cry anymore, i go lock myself in one of the rooms upstairs and i can just cry letting myself get all the things that are pent up inside of me out, candice also talks me thought it. Thats the only way i’ve made it a week with out cutting. I almost broke last night, i want to quit so bad. But i cant all i want to do is slide this razor across my skin, deeper and deeper..

If i still cut like i used to i wouldnt mind, but now i keep needing stiches, i lost control in the one think i found control over.

Everyone there cant tell im hurting but they know just what to say they hug me , just when i need it to keep me from going off the edge.

I still think about killing myself every night.

One way i’ve thought of killing myself is drinking a bunch of water their for thinning out my blood then using my scapel to cut vertically down both my viens on my wrist. Then if needed stabbing it into my neck and cutting from there.

Another way is hanging, i dont have much of what you’d call “rope” but i have a lot of shoeslaces and i’ve already weaved them all together. I would just attach them to the top of my door frame, or to the top of my closet.

Another way is by swallowing a combination of my dads pain medications. Their room is locked but theres a laudry shoot and i’ve climbed up it before. I also believe my dad has a gun in his room, I’d just have to go search for it.

 

I wish i could just forget again, forget everything about my past, it just seems like it would be so much easier.

 

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Blue eyes

by BrooklynBoxx
written by BrooklynBoxx

And into the world stared these gleaming blue eyes

Which she saw past its dimension and only despised

This beauty she portrayed everyone had  seen

But disguised sadness she made it serene

The greatest flaw that had  filled her heart

Perfection only the beginning, just the start

With blonde stringy hair she curled her hand into a fist

Glass mirror she had feared, now stareing at her wrist

The pale white skin was now deep within her reflection

An enemy she had seen, with this girl had no connection

Tears  streamed down and began to hit the sink

Matched the blood that seeped now combining to pink

Cutting she thought was her only escape

From the horrid  memory of her Elusive rape

The outer canvas had just been a mask

Deep happiness was all but a task

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A little piece of me…

by BrooklynBoxx
written by BrooklynBoxx

You forced yourself on me, along with your touch.

I pleaded for you to stop,  but you still wouldn’t get off.

I closed my eyes tightly, wishing I were  somewhere else.

Wishing someone had been here to help.

But I was on my  own, with you as company.

You were supposed to have been taking care of  me.

I guess in your own way, you did…

As a child, I figured I  must’ve done something wrong to deserve this.

I must have misbehaved.

To have been punished this way.

Since  then, time has passed

But I can still feel your cold lips,

And the rough  touch of your hands

Why did you do this to me?

I wanted to cry when it happened, but you didn’t like tears.

So  I held everything in,

While feeling so tainted inside.

I trusted you;

I  believed in you… But I guess that didn’t cross your mind
So what did  you do?

You took my childhood away,

My innocence,

my sense of  security,

Just to get a little piece of me.

 

*I’ve kept these poems in a journal for  a while now and i decided to post them, tonight hasnt been a good night*

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Our little secret… “YOU BETTER KEEP IT

by BrooklynBoxx
written by BrooklynBoxx

There was a chill in the wind that night, one like no other.

The darkness  made it hard for sight, but I knew it was my  brother.

The strength of  his grip, the frame of his stature;

As he grabbed my hips, before I  knew it I was captured.

My throat went dry, I couldn’t scream.

I tried  and tried, but the harder it seemed.

Next thing I knew, an unfamiliar  place; unsure of what to do, clothes were disappearing at fast pace.

My  face turned white, I couldn’t shift.

Frozen in fright, thinking did I  deserve this?

Down my cheek, the first tear rolls.

As he  proceeds, my mouth he holds.

“Our little secret” he whispered in my  ear.

“You better keep it!” he became my only fear.

Blood droplets  depart, from inside of me.

Fast pounding heart, he took my  virginity.

Without permission, without consent;

the one  abduction, he would not repent.

I thank him now, more than ever  before;

he taught me how, it felt to be torn.

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The price of Rape

by BrooklynBoxx
written by BrooklynBoxx

 

Closed are my tired eyes

Gracefully the tears fall

As i begin to lose it all

I take a shot of whiskey

As my head begins to race

The  cigarette is still burning

The sweet smoke is all I can taste

My body is  going numb

No longer can i feel my toes

All i can see our my tears

As they fall onto my breast

There are scratches and dried  blood

Pretty purpled bruises decorate my chest

Lipstick  smeared and hair full of knots

I shove more pills in my mouth

Chasing it with three more shots

My body is beyond broken my mind completely  lost

A lesson with a price

Myself an expensive cost

He was too  strong, I couldn’t get him off

With his hand over my mouth

I kept screaming stop

His cold eyes just watched me as I  fought hard and cried

He crushed my soul over and over as he thrusted  deeper inside

The world slowly went dark from the fighting and  pain

I woke up bloody and dirty from the sound of the rain

Now the  bottle is empty and the room spins

I put the razor to my wrist and  rip it across my skin

The blood paints the floor everything is  slowing down

The darkness is back again and its now all around

Empty whiskey  bottle, a cigarette burning and a note

The blood coloring the white paper  “I’m Sorry,” faintly wrote

I weakly smile as I  stare

At the broken body I just escaped

Indeed an expensive cost

For the price of rape.

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Broken Wings

by BrooklynBoxx
written by BrooklynBoxx

 

 

She has nothing left to say
Her beautiful wings torn away
Face streaked with tears
Screams falling on deaf ears
Worn from her daily days
Seeking new ways to escape the pain
Standing in the rain
Screaming at the sky
Thinking about all the ways she can die
She’ll have a smile on her face
Her words laced with lies
Slowly she’ll break off all ties
She wants nothing else to hold her to this world
Life seeping from her eyes
Laying on the ground
She’ll paint a picture with her blood
Telling a story of all the lies

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Only once..

by BrooklynBoxx
written by BrooklynBoxx

I only shall his once today, i didnt go any where near the cafeteria and chilled in the liabary all morning. I took really odd and out of the way routes to all my classes to make it easier on myself, i only shall him once after school. It was the only way out of the science building and there he stood waiting for his girlfriend i bit my lip as i walked past his friend cody spotting me grabbing my arm saying something i couldnt understand. I shook his arm off quickly and ran off, looking long enough to see tanner looking at me strangley. I wanted to die, i just wanna dissapear from his life and for him to dissapear from mine. God it would be so much easier..

But i kept it together.

I went to some church thing i brought to and was wearing a new shirt with the new shoes i got that finally arrived today. A kid shall my wrist today, just the scars he yelled at me saying “you better not be fucking doing that no more?! your not doing that are you brooklyn??!” A whole bunch of kids were around as he grabbed my shoulder ( one with cuts all over it) i bit my lip “no i havent im fine im fine” i smiled and diverted it off the subject, long sleeves.. no matter what i’ll always have to wear then no matter how good i think i hide them.. it never works i’m always .. caught..

sorry for me being stupid again i guess i like the idea of just talking getting it out. I dont know forgive me please..

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Tanner you broke me. You win.

by BrooklynBoxx
written by BrooklynBoxx

Lucky him he’s moved onto a new girl i should be happy, but its only to ironic. Tanners new girlfriend is Ryanne, ive been talking to her ex dylan. She said i’d look cute with him but even though i like him i dont wanna date him, one because i wanted to give them both time to heal, and because of the fact i dont wanna date anyone cause im still not over tanner, i dont wanna use anyone as a rebound.

It’s not fair i hate all of them all this fucked up shit, i wonder if tanner knows those more recent scars on my arm that he points out when ever i mention his is from HIM! all from the shit he puts me through dailing dragging me on  a little fucking string taking EVERYTHING from me. All my pride, happiness, everything. Doesnt help i’ve been stressing over my past. The nightmares are for frequent intense and i cant sleep. I go to school tired and exsausted, trying to just get threw the day with out killing myself in the girls bathroom. I have a razor, i have my pills, i have shit to suffacate my self with in my backpack! Along with my schoolwork. Why does no one see how fucking close to the edge i am. Ah hell i already slipped im just barley hanging on to ready to let go no ones ever gonna come pick me back over the cliff. So why dont i let go already. Oh yeah i wanna try talking to my counslur this wensday hahah i forgot.

Friday is softball tryouts and since im in sports medicine means i get to go back on season early mornings (5am) late nights ( 11pms) o the fun of game days and tournaments. I’ve been holding back since 6th grade trying to convinve myself all this time that somewhere deep inside i wanted to live. Tanner was the first guy i truley loved, funny thing is he only shall me as a sex toy. God how i wanna slice my skin i try to resist but the butterflies have faded the scars on my left shoulder are healing, i wont be cutting their till after softball season is over but my upper thighs and hips are still an option. Im sure after season they will be covered in scars, but who cares anymore right? It’s all just a game of life and death and this time i think i’m finally willing to lose.

Sorry for this bullshit rant if i didnt say anything i though i would really go insane. Really just lose it, Tanner Felkins or any of your friends who read this you fucking WON! you destroyed me okay i dont give a fuck about hiding it anymore you took EVERYTHING from me, everything from me. I was finally get over everything before i met you then you just had to come in sweet talk me into believing you would always be there.

Well always is broken

Forever is gone

I hope one die you’ll hear my song

Of a pleading girl already gone.

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Should i tell the truth of what took six years to figure out.. My story

by BrooklynBoxx
written by BrooklynBoxx

I resist the urge to slice at my wrist, i try to fight but i’m losing any strength i had left, im thinking bout running away. Gathering a shit ton of money and just leaving, i hate this town.. this place.. everything about it.

My parents yelling at me for everything, never showing any aprecation, i passed all my first semester classe 86+ and they start yelling cause i owe 1.5 hours to the school and im gonna loose all my credits if i dont complete them, not even congradulating me on my grade. Btw i have till febuary 28 to complete them.

My ex is driving me insane, i’m fighting to stay strong with his daily teasings, i dont wanna appear whorish to anyone, and i dont want him to win, but everything he does is just so damn intoxicating. Fuck him really i hate him so much.. but love him all the more.

School is just as stupid, annoying drama, pointless bull shit, and feeling alone. Sure i have “friends” but their just people i sit with at lunch i laugh with while they joke and if i say anything they all proccede to ignore me..

Really I want to end it, slit my wrist and die… would running away give me the breathing time i need.. or make it worse. Probally worse i suppose. What if i never came back? Would that help, maybe i dont know.

But please bare with me while i exsplain my paranoia. As many of you know i was raped in the past, multiple times by diffrent people, and you know i have my fair amount of scars wheather they be physical or mentally. I’ll walk at night, alone in the hallway, in my house. And i hear the footsteps behind me, i feel their arms reaching to grab me , to take me away. I stop so do the foot prints… i look around but theirs no one there. I always feel like he’s gonna snatch me.. i did.. break his promise. If he wanted he could have just killed me their, or made it worse, or did it for longer. God i wish he just fucking killed me, is that the sick game they get knowing they forever scar you.. that you will never be able to forget him and that you’ll be linked together for the rest of your life.

I’m thinking about telling the entire story from start to finish of what happened in my past, of each time i remember, trying to recall as many details as i can. More for myself, so i can get it out. When ever i get to see my cousulr again i plan on showing her a few of my post, since its the only real record i keep of my daily life anymore since i long gave up on a dairy. To many randomn varibles, it getting stolen.. someone stealing it. Here no one knows who i am, no one can hurt me…

I hope.

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Family & Friends EffectsGeneralI Will SurviveRantsStories of HopeStories of Loss

To hide the pain, the feelings, the urge to slice at my own skin.

by BrooklynBoxx
written by BrooklynBoxx

I sit there in the cafeteria

He sits on the floor he’s talking i cant hear him, my visions bluring black around the edges

I’m brought back because of an intense pain from my hand, my ex boyfriend yet again had bit me, i know he just flirting… that he’s only using me..

I smile laughing telling him it doesnt hurt, he doesnt realise he saved me from another embaressing seizure, he smiles biting my harder i ignore it typing on the computer with my left hand as i try to complete a school project. He lets go and we sit their for a while. I feel him bite again

“Stop that” i say  pushing his head away he bites hard shaking his head back in forth, the pain fills me like a high. He bites me again after i yank my arm out of his mouth. “thats so gross!! ” i yell “ i hate the taste of fabric in my mouth !!”

He laughs “you know you like it” he smiles devilishly.

“i do not” but he knows im lieing he can see it in my eyes the craving of the pain, my heart pounding in my chest, it like the past before i found out he only wanted me for sex.

“wanna bet?” ” I dont!” i say he smiles going back to messing with his phone bout five minutes later he bites my leg not a soft bite either i mean hard, he knows i like this, i press my forhead onto the table trying to hide my face, no one could see me like this, o he knows how i crave this. He doesnt let go for a solid minute, trust me i counted the seconds. He lets go “damn u ” i say punching him, he stands up laughing  and walks off for a while. I sigh and look at my friends i hate it when he does that.. he knows my boyfriends looking at me like the fuck? not like were really dating he asked me out but we’ve never been really more then friends i know its bad, i told him i dont feel like that yet for him, he asked to give me chance i agreed.

I feel tanners hands behind me.. how much had he heard. ” umm .. how much of that did u hear” i ask shaking, glad i didnt finish the last part of my sentence.. he didnt know his best friend told me yet. That all he wanted from me was sex.. that why he broke up with me.. when i didnt put out..  I get not response my head is yanked up hair in my eyes his tounge on my neck he bites hard. I bite my lip, i wish he’d never let go, just keep biting me, never let me go. I just want him to touch me. He doesnt know how much better that makes me feel.

The bell rings, i sigh standing up. I’m sure you could see the dissapointment on my face i walk to class , algerbra to be excact. i rub the bites pushing on them but i was craving now.. i need to pierce the skin, my adrenlines pumping, the blood is rushing threw my veins i try to focus but i cant. As soon as i can i walk up to the teachers desk grabbing scissors. I think one kid shall me but he didnt say anything. I then ask to go to the bathroom.

I walk there quickly a girl standing in the bathroom doing her hair in the mirror i smile standing next to her, “your hair looks pretty” i smile my best smile, how i wish she would just leave. But i know shes far from getting her self “perfect” i could walk to the other bathroom but that means walking back past my class.. and i wont be able to make it. I bite my lip walking into the bathroom sitting on the toliet taking off my jacket, rolling up my short sleeves, i love my shirts their big on me but hide the cuts.

They lay their with scars , my lastest cuts lay on my hips, i smile as i find the sharpest part of the scissors… sad to say they’re dull but it doesnt stop me from drawing blood, i push forcefully and rip the skin open, i lift my head up smiling blood slowly trickling down my arm. Again. Again. Again. Again. Again. Again. Im so glad i wore a black shirt. Again. Again. Again. How long have i been here.. Again. Has that girl left. Again.

i hear two more girls walk in i swear their looking for me, i almost drop the scissors but catch them in time, i dont know them though im okay i look at the phone. Almost 10 minutes i bite my lip making the final cut. It stings lingering, i hope it will be able to last , i don’t have enought time to supress all the urges just enought to have them subside. I push toliet paper agaist my arm. Pulling my sleeves down slidding on my jacket. Hit my arm wince a bit. Again. Bite my lip but keep a straight face. No one can tell it hurts. I smile sticking the scissors in my pocket, i forgot to wash my hands but i didnt use the restroom.. so it doesnt matter, but the other girls stare at me.. oh yeah lol they dont know i was really opening my skin up .

I walk down the hall faces i know stare at me i look down, I dont wanna talk to anyone.. i might break and tell someone. No not again, i know if some ones ask’s i’ll come clean. I try to lie but if you ask if i cut ill tell you.. the only real help is if they ask if i cut my wrist again or legs. I can say nope .. i dont cut there as much anymore. I found better hiding places.

I walk into class the boy is staring at me, he knows i walked out of class with those scissors, he doesnt know does it.. what i did. No i bit my lip walk to my seat he says nothing i sigh shoving the scissors in my bag, i could just go place them back up there.. could i?

Bell rings i walk to english, tanner didnt even see him stops me running his fingers through my hair . Dont stop i think .. just keep touching me.. hold me.. never let me.. go.. love.. me.. please but he smiles and stops messing up with my hair.

“I hate you” i laugh as i try to fix my hair, ” no you dont ” he smiles grabbing my hand he bit puting pressure i breath deep

“o thank you for the bruises ” i try to glare at him as angerly as i could, “im sorry ” he smiles “well i gotta go i say running off .. i felt like i might have tried to kiss him again if i stayed there any longer.

I squeeze the cuts as i walk down the hallways i feel the wet stickiness of blood soak through the jacket, “fuck” i whisper under my breath as i walk up the stairs wiping my hands on my pants. Please no one notice, no one, i say as i walk into class. Being careful not to bump anything with my left shoulder, cant be caught more. Everyone thinks i stopped a year ago.. i cant dissapoint them, my dad knows i broke a few times.. but not this bad, he’s only found out twice  i’ve cut since then and i plan to keep it that way. I sit down smiling my biggest smile talking to my friend laughing like a crazy girl. To hide the pain , to hide the feelings, to hide the urge to slice my own skin.

 

sorry if this is stupid and you dont wanna read it, i probally wouldnt either 😛

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Family & Friends EffectsGeneralRants

Daily school life

by BrooklynBoxx
written by BrooklynBoxx

I sat in the cafeteria at school this morning waiting for school to start, i was at a table all to myself and i kept looking at my phone, no one was texting me but i wanted to look like i had some friends you know..

After about 20 minutes a boy looks over at me his table is overflowing with his friends and asks “are you lonely? i think your lonely”

I laughed and said “no they’ll be here soon, their bus is just running a bit late”

I turned around and whispered ” they’ll never be here.. cause i dont have any..”

After me and Tanner broke up, all the friends i had met before them stopped talking to me, and he still hangs out with them so it just odd talking to them now.. if you know what i mean when he’s always with them.

So i sat their alone a few people came over and talked to me, then my friend Dylan arrived he’s the one guy that talks to me, while walking in the hallway one day i went up and high fived him in the middle of his teacher yelling at him. We’ve been talking ever since, he reads me stories when i cant fall asleep, he doesnt know much bout my past just knows i have insomnia and its hard to fall asleep. He has ADHD so he knows what its like.

He always makes me laugh even when i’m sad.. i kept looking tanners way though. Its so odd he’ll talk to me out of the blue somedays and sometimes it like im not even their.. i wish i knew what he was thinking.. i know he only wanted me for sex.. but.. i dont know anymore.

The butterflies on my wrist have yet faded.. i’m trying to hold out till then.

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GeneralPoetry & ArtStories of Loss

My past. What i remembered of it anyways.

by BrooklynBoxx
written by BrooklynBoxx

I cant stop shaking as the thunder rolls on, i try to breath but i feel like my throats closing my eyes are on fire as i try to keep my self from crying as i count to 10.

My past races threw my mind and i try to fight the memories i hold my hands over my head “im sorry im sorry” i scream “no more no more” The kids in class are staring but i dont care anymore, im no longer in class . I’m in my brothers room, he presses his hands agaist my chest and kisses my face, i whimper begging him to stop. He holds his hand over my mouth as he unzips my pants. No i try to scream but i’m drowned out by the sound of thunder. No ones home, just me and him.

Alone.

He whispers in my ear its okay shh. shh. I still scream. I still plead for him to stop, it hurts, it hurts, thats all i know. He’s angry now .. that was the first time that night he hit me. I lay their limp as his hands abuse my body, im only eight.. to weak to fight, he then sits up and pulls me towards him.

Do you like suckers?

I whisper yes shaking

He tells me to suck on somthing.. i dont know what it is, but i dont argue.I soon felt something warm in my mouth but before i can say anything else we hear the garage door over the sound of thunder.

“Put your cloths on”  he yells at me. And i do as he say. He throws me back onto the top bunk and we pretend to be asleep as my grandma walks in.

I lay their shaking in my bed to terrorfied to move. I lay their pants still not fully on. But im under the covers now.. it’ll be fine.

She shuts the door and after 10 minutes my brother stand up on the bed and leans over kissing me agressivly. “this is our secret” he says pinching my skin. I whimper but whisper yes.

He never touched me again. But i never forgot that night 5 years later i held a pair of scissors to my wrist, slicing slicing, why was i remembering this now, why now. I had pushed it out of my mind, it almost dissapeared. When the school found out they sent me to a counsuler. I told her after about 2 months what he had done to me. The night i lost myself in a thunderstorm, the night ill never forget. I still only remember bits and pieces and every thunderstorm i remember a bit more. They say my mind was under such stress i went into shock. I forgot things i didnt want to remember.

I sit here in class head phones in blasting out the noise i need to escape. I want to run, run till i cant run anymore. Hide in a ditch slicing at my wrist. Swallow as many pills as i can and fall still.

Anything to forget this past

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