My Suicide Note 3/15/11

This is the note that I wrote to everybody I know, I planed to die by pills. I planned it on my birthday, I just couldn’t take being called fugly, fat, disgusting. I was called that so much that I began to believe that it was true, and I no longer thought anybody cared or that I would be better off dead. I was dead…….dead wrong, my only friend came over to wish me happy birthday and made me spit out all the pills, after that she started crying and I felt so guilty I started to cry too, which I haven’t done in 10 years. So here it is.

Sorry……

Mom, you never knew how empty I felt around my family. The fear I have when your drunk, when I already lost my father. You have neglected  me, I know it is just because you have two more children to take care of, and you make me feel like I’m almost there. I thank you, because I know you had me young and it must have been really hard on you. I thank you because you didn’t give up on me.

Dad, even though you see me as a burden on the rest of the family, the reason you suffer at work, a waste of space. We never said I love you to each other, not even when you tucked me in at night. You prefer my siblings because they are your own, but that’s okay because I have little love for you anyway. The reason I was so horrible when I was littler is because you only notice me when I have done something wrong.  Your welcome, for ending your sufferings.

Brother and sister, I am especially sorry to you guys to lose an older sister at such young ages. You guys look up to me instead of mom, because I take care of you. You guys make me feel like your hero, and I failed you. You guys wouldn’t understand when I say that’s not enough, or even what this letter means. I am so sorry.

(used to be close cousin), I will not say sorry to you, I am tired of being your pet. You have already had tons of bfs, you rock bikinis at age 10, you are skinny and yet you envy me. Mabey if you stop acting like a careless ass, guys would like you for your personality and actually stay with your whore ass. You are a spoiled brat who has everything and still wants more, you act like some slut as if you would get any real bf, you treated me like crap, I am older yet you say you have to watch over me just because I am new to america. Newsflash, I  can take care of myself, I was desperate to keep you my best friend but you just made me feel like a friggin two year old. The only reason you are popular with (other cousin) is because you are just like her. You think she is better because she is 4 years older, smokes marijuana, is perverted, and has had tons of boyfriends JUST LIKE YOU. The only reason you cut is because you think its cool. i can’t believe I followed you blindly thinking I had a good friend when you were just like everybody else. Why don’t you sell all the things that you have to buy yourself a life *****. You are the only person aside from my dad who I won’t miss.

I would like to be buried not with roses but with peonies, and a nightshade flower. I want an oakwood casket, with a bird in flight carved in it. If you can I want to wear my dark purple amethyst necklace. Hopefully the next time you see me I will be dead under the blossom tree in the cemetary.

Yeah so that was how messed up I was, I am much better now but not completely healed. I survived another unintentional “attempt” that nobody knew about except my only friend who aided me in that one also. It is a horrible feeling to feel like your about to die, you feel like you’ve well…killed someone. No person should have to feel like that, I really wouldn’t try it with pills or a sharp tool. Or ever for that matter. For those contemplating, its not worth it.