I wrote this poem the other night. I was hurting so bad, I wish I could kill myself. I have kids though, and I don’t have anyone to take care of them if I did. They are the only reason I am still here walking on this earth. I can’t figure out what exactly is wrong with me. I don’t have any friends anymore. I used to but i found out that none of them really liked me, and were talking behind my back. I have had this happen with anyone I have ever been friends with. it hurts so bad. I have been through so much. Went through a relationship where I got beat up everyday and told I was nothing….this was 5 years ago. I left him, the father of my kids, and you think that I would be getting better and after 5 years I would think better of myself. But I don’t. It is Soooooo hard just getting out of bed in the morning. I dont wanna ever do anything. I would be happy sitting on my couch all day like a zombie not having to worry about anything…just zombied out. But I can’t because I have to do stuff for my kids. I don’t have much family. My mom, she don’t like me anymore, she hasnt since I was with the father of my kids and let him beat me up like I did. I remember her always saying that she would do more if I left him and after I left him she had nothing to do with me. I dont’ understand. My dad is the only person I can really talk to because he has manic depression, but he got diagnosed with lung cancer a few months ago and I dont wanna bother him with my problems anymore. He is going through enough problems. Going to chemo and radiation. Now I have to sit back and watch him die, I wish so bad that it was me. I want to die more than anything….I am useless….nothing…..here is my poem:
Fading away
Help me
I am suffocating
Why doesn’t anybody answer my cries?
I’m lost
I’m losing light
Who am I?
Why am I here?
This is it, this is the end
The end of what’s good
Why are there so many lies?
They strike through me like a dagger’s slicing my flesh
My heart is burning; the devil is trying to strike me down
It is frozen
Frozen with hate, and fear
Fear from the lies
Hate from the liars
I’m swirling around
I’m fading out
Will somebody please help me?
4 comments
Honey, you’re gonna be okay. You’re going to make it through all this. You are caring, loving and worried about many things. Your children are a precious boon in your life. They love you! When you feel all alone like this, remember you have family, you and your little ones are it! You are strong and what has happened in the past you’ve allowed that to torment you. You can choose to let that all go, and realise that you are not defined by those events, no matter how awful they were. Friends – that’s not important right now. What is important is for you to believe that you are strong and can handle life in the present and going forwards. *Hugsss*
Please don’t give up. Your children really need you. I think you’ll eventually meet a good guy who will love you and help you take care of your children. There are decent men out there. Your children need a father too. I liked your poem. Someone will come to your aid. Just don’t give up.
It’s just so hard…I’m having a really bad day…I wish I could get hospitalized….but I can’t…I have nobody to take care of my kids. My mom wants nothing to do with them…they are mixed race…and my dad is dying from long cancer….I’m the only person they have. I wish I had a mom that would be here for me….I mean think about it…My own mother wants nothing to do with me…that should tell you how fucked I am…I can’t even be loved by my own mother….If i try to talk to her about why I feel the way I feel she says I have a mental disorder and need to get on medicine…thats not what I need…. I need somebody…anybody…to just like me…thats a stupid thought…that someone would actually wanna spend time with me…im so pathetic
You are lonely and feeling rejected. Disregard what your mother says. Her lack of understanding and lack of ability to show you love and support is also tearing you apart. But that is her disability and you can’t fix it. So, we need to help you feel first okay with the way things are. First step then is acceptance of the way things are in the present. That coffee mug is not washed, that’s fine. The clothes are all on the floor, that’s also fine. The house is upside down, that too is fine. My mother is dealing with her own personal neuroses to be able to even give me any love or attention – that too is fine. I accept. I’m feeling low, depressed and rejected. I accept this completely. I will it this way because this is the way things are. My dad is dying from lung cancer. This I accept too. So I’m going to breathe deep and I’m going to accept reality as it is. This is the first step, honey. Next step, is I’m going to start an action diary. I’m going to do x, y, z, a, b, c … I’m going to slot these activities into hourly slots. I’m going to diversify my activities. I’m going to have bath time, coffee time, breakfast, lunch and supper times. I’m going to have video time, journaling time, and reading time. I’m going to have family time, homework with my kids time, and family fun time. When one acts, things happen and the universe starts responding to your needs. Take to reading good self-help books. Become aware of how thoughts affect one’s moods. You will be embarking on your own programme of self-healing. And, we’re here for you! *Love and hugs*