Long story short, i am a 21 yr old lost nigga. Worthless, Raised and grew up Merely-fair .. did not suffer with any other crazy shit in my life. but it seems as if life is always a figurative climax. u bust your ass only to get a 2 second orgasm and even that itself is shit… Today me and my dad surprisingly had some argument, he gets my mom involved and they start talking shit.. i was always a low down depressed suicidal nigga and i always wanted and needed to off myself… i have history with drugs recreationally. but had i knew shit was going to hit the fan, i swear i would down the whole bottle of oxycodone/apap right now.. pshhh….. i do not need much in life.. i just want to make this shit a better place to enjoy n feel comfy.. so i felt as if i really have nothing to lose but why the fuck am i so scared !! why am i afraid !! is there really god n devil n heaven n hell ? because its not soo much the death, i already got the knife ready to make my throat smile with a nice cheese… except red… but i am afraid that i will still be alive… n that would kinda be a waste of suicide if i committ suicide? its not because “aww i hate this world” nooo i simply just want to escape into non existence, just as in a deep sleep with no dream.. i mean, i was dead the years before my birthdate right? i had a blast not existing.. please help me overcome this fear… pleaasseee !!!!! i am sooo afraid. i am scared… i am just another lost nigga… i should probably join a gang and life a quick flashy life before i get hit up by my rival right ? its no sense killing urself without a little bang right ? then iam broke to the point crazy glue is futile.. why am i afraid..
i would much rather be dead than to wake up another day pist off and upset.
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I know that fucking feeling… Knowing that if you commit suicide you might still be alive in another form, exist in another way, where that afterlife may be pleasant or even worse than this current one. That’s what stops me from killing myself, every single time.
What makes you hate yourself?
This is what I get when I read what you wrote, is it being black cause you throw the N word around a lot in your post.
If that’s your main problem you are thinking wrong and are obsessing about nothing.
21 and still living at home with your parents you need to work to get out on your own so you can ;
A. Have an understanding of self reliance learning this you begin to feel less helpless about YOUR life.
B. Get distance from the same ole’ same ole’ surroundings that taught you this way of thinking.
C. Joining a gang is just a way of joining a bunch of others as misery loves company and I ask you, If a gang can offer health plan, retirement, or anything that will truly be enlightenment for YOUR life, they do offer a secure future…one where you get 3 meals a day (if someone doesn’t take it), boarding, as you will have a bed to sleep in every night, friends as in you will share your every waking moment with thousands of new friends and some may even be VERY delicious close friends indeed…maybe too close.
How can I start to get out?
Great question, Ok let’s look at your financial situation, what do you have to get started.
if nothing then your first answer is clear.
Next your background, do you have a criminal past on record?
No, great, there are programs that are available to you such as the CCC, Truck driving schools paid for by the company you’ll work for, the good’ole U.S. military.
Yes, I have a criminal past, although a hindrance it is not the be all but the higher the offense the greater the hindrance.
Learn,learn, learn, you now got to understand how to;
A. Get around, over, under, or thru this record on you, you will become an expert lawyer (I’m not kidding), you have to understand the rules of the game before you can win know what your up against. Even with a criminal past they still allow you in a library.
Presentation, what do people that matter see when they see you, a confidant happy person or a run down miserable helpless person.
Here are some ideals for making some small cash to get you started, find or save money to buy a lawn mower and get a bike and ride around town looking for opportunity and learn your business cause it is a small business, go to a lawnmower repair shop or learn on your own then repair lawnmowers on your own or for a boss.
Don’t like what I’ve presented sorry but this is the way it works look around you see what needs there are.
Did you know in other parts of the world there are self taught guys who repair cellphones out of a ramshackle shack? True story Google it.