What’s the point?

I just don’t see the use of living anymore. I’ve had 4 breakdowns and each one gets worse. Nobody understands. I don’t have money so the only therapy I got was a grad student in psych. He’s a nice guy but not enough to scrap me off the wall. People say suicide is about wanting to end the pain, not so much about wanting to end your life. But I’m always in physical and emotional pain and yeah, I want it to end. BUT when you can’t get the help you need to get better, why fight it anymore? People say oh you got to talk about it. Who do you talk to when you’ve been so depressed that no one wants to talk to you or cares. I’ve went to a clinic where the psych doc met with me for like 5 minutes. He gave me an anti-depressant and that sort of helped….like a tiny little band aid on a wound gushing blood. I don’t have anything; no girlfriend or wife, no kids, no career, no friends, no decent place to live, running out of money. This whole thing is survival of the fittest and I’m too broken to survive. Everybody says this but the world really WOULD be better if I wasn’t in it. It’s just true. Trying to get better is impossible, at least when you don’t have money. That’s what it’s really all about is $. I worked in nonprofit and all I ever wanted to do was help other people. But I guess something is so wrong with me deep down that I couldn’t even get that right. Hopefully if I get desperate enough, (but i would need to stop taking the meds o have the courage), i’ll be successful at ending my life. I finally be successful at something and won’t be around to take the credit! Ah, the irony…