I OD’d on my psychotropic (/psychiatric) pills in 2019. ‘Twas a heavy overdose and my pills were strong and of very high dosages. I was naturally almost sure that I’d wind up dead. But guess what? I woke up in the morning. Not in a good state at all, but I awoke. I couldn’t move. I couldn’t speak. I couldn’t utter a solitary word. Hell, I couldn’t even see things. I was cold. I’ve a long history of mental illnesses – BD (+ Psychosis — Schizoaffective disorder) and various PDs, so my folks figured out that I must’ve once again yanked some suicidal sh_t when I […]
I wrote an essay here last summer about my first (and albeit more serious) suicide attempt. At the time, I was feeling pretty hopeful. I had just graduated from a residential program, I was well-medicated (though I had no idea how important this was), I was stable, my weekly therapy sessions felt like victory laps. In other words, I had made it — made it out, made it through, made it past the wreck of insanity that had been the last year of my life.
I didn’t talk much about diagnosis’ or meds in my previous essay; this essay is pretty much all about both of […]
I was diagnosed with depression and anxiety issues, as well as PTSD a few months ago now. I’ve had a doctor, a counsellor, a psychologist and a psychiatrist all working really hard with me to try and straighten some stuff out, and we were doing really well for a while there. I took all the meds, I answered all the questions, I attended every appointment, I talked, I listened, I did everything they all said. But I am so tired and so worn down, that I think I’ve finally had enough.
I cancelled my psychologist appointment this week. She is an incredibly talented woman, so good […]
I have been so pissed off all day and i’m not over exaggerating. Im getting sick and tired of people using me, abusing me, and making me feel like nothing and im sorry.. yea.. im sorry. im just gonna like.. emotionally detatch myself from everything. you know, my depression is getting bad again. I am regressing into a deeper depression than i was before. and i can feel it not only in my mind but in my heart.. and its killing me. my meds are making me crzy… and .. i just dont know anymore.I wanted to try and be happy but everything just keeps […]
To the world, But what am I?
But a lowly, Insignificant child.
My opinion, is none of matter,
Adults..they do it betterâ€¦
I be no more,
Of that you made sure.
With your slashing , words that cut,
With your hand, much too rough,
Innoncence stolen long ago,
Innoncence thatâ€™s longed for so.
I be no more,
Of that you made sure.
Driven to the edge, Â and back,
So easy to surrender to black,
You the shadow that befalls,
The darkness creeping, as he calls.
I be no more,
Of that you made sure.
To those that say â€œYou should win,â€
But have you felt the words that tear my skin?
Felt the stabbing of a thorn,
Felt the meaning of forlorn.
she is perfect, she will take the compliment and thank you, yet she never really agrees, she is beautiful no matter how ‘shit’ she may think she looks.
That’s what i could have written about her when i loved her, she broke my heart, i felt like breaking her bones, the hatred within me is growing with every word she says to me but it’s not just hatred for her, it’s hatred for all, they’re putting me on meds for my homicidal and suicidal thoughts, i don’t need them meds i am perfectly fine being this way without them. fuck you all, good day.
just venting again.. anyways.. so I just recently broke up w my gf.. it wasn’t that long of a relationship.. but it was love, and something i haven’t felt in like.. more than 5 years..
of course i fucked it up.. cuz i went all psycho on her like i did all of my ex gf’s who of course dumped me because of the same reason.. so here I am.. always caught up in my negativity.. and because of it I haven’t even finished school yet..
I look at all my other friends and my sister’s boyfriend.. they’ve got jobs, friends, and gf’s.. i can barely […]
Why does everybody tell me they’re sorry, sorry for what!? I’m pretty sure it’s not your fault I’m fucked in the head beyond repair. I feel like i have to scream at them “don’t tell me you’re sorry, cause i know, o i know, you’re not” it’s bullshit people should just fuck off i don’t even know what people are saying to me anymore, ugh everything’ll be fine when the meds come i’ll finally be able to od 🙂
Bottle of wine, TV noise background, inactivity on Facebook, Zoloft & HIV antiretroviral meds, GB & purp, living with parents unemployed, degree-less as a college drop-out, making impulsive decisions I cannot fight that will land me in PRISON, all at I-95’s biggest pothole on a Saturday night the weekend before turning 28 wasting my time talking with people who want to chat and string me along instead of actually taking action and meeting…this is real life?
Sure, I got this…… #steadymobbin
my mom and i made up i guess. she started bitching at me after i helped her with video taping something and she told me that she is relieved im leaving. idk it hurt that she thinks that im such a bad person and im really trying… today i started talking about stuff with my friends mom that i used to be really close to. its the first time seeing her in ages. it felt good to talk to someone but i think somehow she knew i was lying about being better and she looked worried when i told her i took myself off my […]
I’ve come to the conclusion that in my life it would be best if I felt nothing ever.Â I’m never really happy, but sadness, anxiety, anger, frustration tends to surround me completely at this point.Â I need to move along in my life and I think the only way I could do that is to feel nothing.Â I don’t want emotions.Â For me it’s either I wish to have never existed or feel nothing.Â I can only do one of those at this point.Â If anyone knows of antidepressant meds that could help me accomplish this? Or any other way?
like honestly, I think the […]
(I posted early, I know, but I didn’t fully express everything, it was a tad too vague since I am paranoid of exposing myself to most people.)
I am currently in a rather rough situation, I would love to know how to cope with all the things I deal with on a regular basis. I realized last night I really don’t know how to cope with anything, seeing as I lock everything away, hide behind a smile that no one can see behind since I am so good at hiding, or I obsessively cut myself, overdose on meds (Over the counter or prescription), do anything excessively […]
My Freshman school year was complete utter hell. The summer before freshman year was something you would normally only have written in a crazy book or a fake story someone made up. I was a young 14 year old who was in a abusive relationship and after it was broken off it followed me into my first year of high school. He was telling everyone a bunch of insane stories about how we had sex everyday and he spent the night almost every weekend. The only time I ever saw him was when he was standing at my locker and then he either was asking […]
hi, i’m not a good writer, so i’ll just lay it out. Â im 32, ive spent the last four years busting my ass to get into grad school. I have always been depressed, but I don’t remember much from before my dad died. Last may I found out I was gonna have a son. In Sept my mom died. In Dec my baby was born. This semester was a blur, but I managed to fail the GRE, get rejected from grad school, fail a critical class, but I managed to walk with my class back in may. My aunt has just been diagnosed with […]
I have a full ******** tank, and a bag, and some duct tape. I am so tired. The meds, the alcohol, and the therapy….no help. I’m 38 and my mother died 3 days ago 13 years ago. I have a 4 1/2 year old son, who I’ll miss the most, but in the end, I’m only going to screw up his life too. I’ve never been able to keep a job for more than 2-3 years. You know, everyone is human and everyone should have compassion for others. I am different, I get that. But, I am intelligent, have a lot to offer, and no […]
had a therapy appointment today. as long as i am still going i guess that is a good thing. my therapist mentioned how scared she would be if i was a no show to an appointment. i told her she should be scared. the pro death part of me is rather insistent. i have come to the realization that i probably will kill myself. the question is when. that i do not know. all the suicide sites say that one should be alarmed if said suicidal person suddenly seems calm or even happy. it means that a decision has been made. well that decision has […]
had a good day at work today. then-a wave of despair comes over me out of nowhere and i am bawling by the time i get home. just like someone flicked a switch or something. feeling very detached . don’t want to see anyone. don’t want to talk to anyone. don’t want to exist. my self imposed isolation has served to make me wary of people. but i hide in plain sight. feel myself slipping away. i am so damned tired. my body is aching , like i have been beaten up again. don’t know if it is depression or the meds. probably some combination […]
I’m lost I can’t even keep a steady thought. My meds failed me I was so much worse. I’m unappreciated and I am so through with my duties in life. My responsibility isn’t even a reality for people. Why must I burden myself with the heavy hearts of everyone around me. I make there issues my own because they mean more than my own life. Now I want to just take mine and leave it at that. I don’t even want to move anymore everything sets me off. I’m beginning to feel the end is near I’ve been going strong for so long. I don’t […]
I don’t know what to think anymore. I’m so uncertain of everything. My mind is playing tricks on me. I have no idea what’s going on in my mind. Depression has taken over every part of my life. It’s taken over my thoughts, emotions, and actions. I feel like I’ve fallen off the right track. I feel like I have no control over my own life. I just don’t understand. Why did this happen? Does it even matter? If I get better am I just going to fall back down and feel as miserable as I do now?
I wish I wasn’t born. I wish […]