http://www.caringbridge.org/visit/jppeters
I’ve read this journal for years. I want to show God how unhappy I am for taking this amazing little child too early. If God doesn’t want us to be greedy, why is he greedy for the death of children? But no it’s ok. I’m doing fine. I have a guide dog and all I want. Life is fine. I’lljust pretend that death feels ok, I’ll pretend not to grieve, while inside I’m sick of hearing about people dying after fighting for their lives for years. It’s a pity this kid had a life-saving surgery, only to die of influenza because God didn’t want him to live anymore. If only I was so lucky to die of something, at least I wouldn’t have to be convinced not to commit suicide. Everything is fine though, since we’re all on earth for ourselves. While one person thinks I’m a sooky person for feeling sad and depressed over myself and over other things, another thinks I’m fine to be that way. Well, I’ve frankly had enough. I just don’t want to let my doctors down, or let Troy see or smell my suicide. So today I’m not killing myself. Maybe JP won’t want to see me hang myself over his death. But for my own selfish reasons, I guess I want to live long enough to feel what it’s like to live in less physical pain.
2 comments
I hope you’re ok…
Death isn’t something you can rationalise. If you’re looking for answers you won’t find any. Apart from knowing that death is an inevitable part of life. The only thing we can hope to achieve is acceptance, because nothing is going to bring that child back, especially not this cycle of death
Well I don’t have acceptance. I do, we’re all gonna die. But it’s everybody else’s selfishness that’s keeping me alive. I guess I’m selfish for not accepting other people’s death. I don’t care. If it’s ok for people to selfishly keep me alive while they let somebody else go, then then it’s ok for me to be selfish and base my acceptance on death by how I feel. For example if it’s a child dying I don’t accept it, but if someone commits suicide, it’s ok. That’s my selfish feelings. But I don’t regret them, because most people don’t regret keeping me alive and making me put up with misery, by forcing me to accept that life isn’t easy. I don’t accept this either. I shall do with my life what I want to do with it, and will accept things I want to accept and that’s it. No more leaving my comfort zone for everyone else anymore.