I haven’t writen here in a while. A lot has happened…well I guess you could say that. My depression has gotten to a point where I don’t care about anything anymore. I don’t want to get up in the mornings or go anywhere. I’ve lost intrest in everything that used to be inportant to me. Understands why I feel this way. If I tell them, they change the subject.
I’ve began to cut again…this time more often and more at a time. My boyfriend says I need to stop before I go to far…honestly I don’t care if I go too far. He never talks to me anyways. I do good if I talk to him more than 10 minutes a day…which is bad considering he lives over 2,000 miles away from me. Honestly, I don’t think he cares about me what-so-ever. I just think he feels bad for me. He knows that the only reason I stay alive is because of him and if he breaks up with me, he thinks I just might go end it all. He just talks to me just enough to keep us together.
And speaking of my thoughts, I am beginning to be quite paranoid. I think everyone is hiding something from me. I believe that everyone secretly hates me.
My thoughts are actually beginning to scare me though. I’ll be sitting at an intersection in my car and imagining the light turning red, me running the light and an 18-weeler hitting me head on. I can picture the blood and the broken glass just like it’s actually happening. It’s all so vivid by the time the daydream it over, my body feels like it actually happened. I picture myself dying more than anyone should. I picture myself falling off buildings and crashing cars. Being shot and even being mauled by a bear. They are just all too real…
1 comment
I always have intense urges to drive into traffic. I could never do it, after death there is no relief. You constantly survive in a constant loop of how you died. Those are the last thoughts your consciousness has. I don’t want to die yet. I can wait. I think you should too. There are people just like you out here in the world. It’s me, it’s all of us. You’re not alone I promise.