I had a long day. It wasn’t horrible, just more of the same… waking up feeling horrible (a little extra bad today), dreading going to work… having to face negativity,  making mistakes, and feelings of  incompetence.  Biting my tongue. Trying to find a balance between politeness, diplomacy, and getting my needs met.
I was very late, under prepared, stressed, and embarrassed. No one else seemed to care too much… aside from the usual curiosity and confusion over my poor attitude. I hate looking inept but I am. I am sick, tired, fighting with my head every day… I am so tired. Went to class after work. I couldn’t focus. I take so much energy to just try to smile and remember to be polite… All the traveling, running around, demands… they are taking a toll. Fighting the emptiness I feel. Ignoring people’s lazy rationalizations and explanations… ignoring anyone who doesn’t vibe with me… just trying to be as alone as possible while resenting it every step of the way… Is tiring…
Living is just so tiresome and pointless.
13 comments
Yeah fighting the emptiness has been my life. The “hole in the soul” really can’t be filled only made deeper from living it seems. Though if u have problems like u are describing u may have an ADD problem that could be fixed and may help ur work and school.
No. Not ADD. I’m in my thirties. It’s horrible insomnia that has gone on for years and isn’t very treatable.
You need to wake up happy, or at least neutral. You’ll never have a good day if you’re always starting out with that mentality. If you’re in America you’re lucky you have a job. Everyone makes mistakes, don’t let little things get you down. There’s no need to be embarrassed if no one even cares. I’m not always polite when having a bad day, so good job. Your life is important to someone even if you don’t know who.
This is true. I am fortunate to have a job. But I am unfortunately very unhappy. This job fuels that. But I am trying to find the silver lining so to speak. Giving so much and getting so little in return, including lack of material comforts, makes life seem pretty bleak and gray. Just sayin.
Bbbaron, I have a slipped vertebrae and for the last 3 years sleep has been a massive struggle for me as well. Before I started taking prescription pain pills sometimes I would go three days at a time without sleep. I get how hard that is. Truly, I think going three years without sleep has been harder than my 20 years of depression.
I’m assuming you’ve tried all the obvious remedies for such a problem? Melatonin, prescription sleep aides, not using electronics an hour before bed, etc?
Yes. I’ve tried many things to no avail and just deal with not sleeping well. It takes a toll. As I’m sure you know, it makes the emotional issues more pronounced and life harder to deal with.
try listening to rain wwith headphones, become the rain, feel the rain, liquefy with the rain, melt and fall with the rain, then when you fall you will become in a lake or ocean into the infinity and abundancy of the ocean. Be, feel, and do as the clear shivering rain falls over the abyss, its better then nd medication, trust me… don’t think, just feel and hear what isn’t being heard in life as you wake, be what you want, snowflake, glaciers, lake, stream, river, waterfall, all yours. Drop into a deep forest and travel through the roots and veins of the living tree and creatures. Its amazing how rain and sleep can get itt. you look forward to it,
Thanks. That sounds lovely.
Man, that’s really hard, bbbaron. If you’ve tried all the normal remedies already I’m not sure I have anything else to offer. I really feel for you man, living without sleep feels like living without food or water. It twists and bends the mind in very dangerous ways because your body and mind can’t repair themselves.
Do you think your insomnia may be stress related? Have you notified any doctors about your condition? I totally get how all your emotions are running wild due to the lack of sleep. I turn my craziest and most abusive when my body can’t get it’s rest. I say some pretty violent stuff to be honest, so I get why you have a “bad attitude”. I’m really sorry you’re struggling.
Hi again. To be honest with you I have had difficulty sleeping for most of my life. I was on sleep medication on and off during the last decade. Didn’t do much. When I am overwhelmed I cant sleep. When I have something important to do, I don’t rest well. When I am ill, I also struggle to sleep. I might speak to another doctor again. I need to figure out how to fix this.
try it though, it works. it is lovely, and its also for you
I really encourage you to do that, bbbaron. Speak to a doctor, that is. Do you feel anxious? It seems like there’s a direct correlation between your stress level and your ability to sleep. There may be some medications to help lower you anxiety level if you let them know about it. No one should have to go through life without sleep. That’s misery.
In terms of sleep medication, yeah, they tend to stop working quite as well after a certain period of usage. They are better used every once in awhile opposed to every day because your body starts getting used to them. You can use melatonin every night though, so I would encourage trying that again. At this point you don’t have a lot to lose anyways, so you might as well give it another swing.