I deserve to die

I feel like a criminal. I feel like i’ve done so many unspeakably horrible things. Yet i havent. Why? I believe i deserve to be tortured and shot dead, because i feel that im such a bad person that i deserve to be dead. Someone like me who is just such a freak deserves to die. I feel like i have no good. I used to think i was compassionate, but im not anymore because my family would always tell me off for it. I just finished one of my many long talks with my brother about my bad traits. This time it was about how terrible i am at speaking on the telephone. I never though i was that terrible but there i go. He said i was unspeakably dumb and terrible at it for about 20 mins. I hate how all i get is correction and people telling me to change when the people telling me to change arent perfect either (and they never will be!). I feel like any rights i ever had to disagree have all disappeared, because if i ever try to stand up for myself they tell me i have no right because im the youngest and dumbest etc… so i thought i might pile a list of what the family go on and on about me and how i disagree yet cant do anything about it here:
Im a very slow worker (i get that alot)
Im too absentminded (this is very true, my thoughts are always racing)
I have too many pimples
im a drama queen, overreact, and lie about all my problems, and apparently my problems mean nothing compared to theirs
Im a freak
im akward
im dumb (i got 4 a’s out of my 7 subjects, but i still believe i did shit on my report and sat on my bed crying at night for 3 days afterward because i cant believe i did that shit)
Im mums favorite (this is NOT TRUE, if anyone its my middle brother, moms always babies him because he’s the one that is always allowed to act depressed or tired and she is kind to him, for the rest of us its like ok shut up and more (check my other posts for more))
I just wish i was dead. I find it drastically unfair that not only do i get called all these things by people in general public, but my family too! Especially when they’re so difficult. I’ve tried telling my parents that im depressed but they just say im lying and later to get over it, i just wish i could go to a psychologist or something but i cant 🙁 at the moment i am actually contemplating starving myself and sleeping less, that way my physical appearance will look terrible, and i can talk to a doctor. (my parents arent big on doctors, believe me, even when i had pneumonia i only saw the doctor once in two weeks and i was just sitting alone on the bed in the house and i was 7. worrying haha) i’ve also contemplated killing myself because hopefully it could make other parents maybe realise that their kids might be telling the truth 🙂 still, i dont really see any point in living, i mean every opportunity to make friends i always fuck up, (and those are the ones that dont hate me on sight) even today i tried to make friends with my cousin but she said that she is judging me very harshly now because i said that i once ate a persimmon that wasn’t ripe. I just feel like im a mistake and im a waste of money, i deserve to be sent to a juvenile detention center and get beaten up till i bleed and cry every day, and then someone finally stabs me. I dont have a single good trait and i believe it is unfair that go to school and have opportunities when other kids in africa could actually be smart but dont get the chance. Someone just help me, i fear i may have to act soon.
P.S: dont suggest seeing a school councilor, i didnt find her very helpful at all and it just gave me unwanted attention