Where do i even start this sob story? I’m only 19 and from the age of 8 ive been depressed and not wanting to live, i tried to commit suicide when i was 15, and now at 19 i feel that low again that im just waiting for the final straw to snap and to do it again although i dont want to die but i dont want to live either, its a confusing stage. It all began when i was 8 and my mum was in a relationship with an abusive asshole who made me feel like shit and played mind games and i suffered anorexia. And since then its never gotten better i make friends and they all end up being the last nicest of people who screw me over and on a number of occasions have ended up bullying me meaning ive had to have about 6 different schools, every school im bullied for the way i look and people dont want to make friends with me and avoid me (in on school i diddnt have friends for a year) and it doesnt seem to change people jsut dont like me even if they have never spoken to me, and im so alone i have no one to speak to or hang out with so on a weekend im sat crying and watching movies while every normal teen has fun. I cant speak to my family as they dont understand and they call it my “weird phase” when i do have friends that i think are good they dont get it and make it worse by telling me to “wipe myself out of exsistance” and abandon me and single me out and mock me infront of their other friends and then totaly isolate me. i suffer from clinical depression and have seen a number of therapists and had drugs and it doesnt help at all…i just dont think i can keep doing this, a never ending cycle of misery. There is alot more to it but writing it all out is to long and would take a month.
I think the biggest thing that keeps me from just doing it right now, is i saw my mothers face the last time and how much pain it caused her.
7 comments
Hey I know life is tough, I’ve gotten bullied myself, but its never an excuse to commit suicide, ya sure I tried it myself, I was standing on the top of a building trying to gather up some courage to jump to sweet relief. But when it came down to it I realized that I really didn’t want to die. Its been 3 years since that incident. Sure I do think about trying again but I try my best to find excuses to live instead of dying and that’s what has kept me going.
Please don’t give up sarah. Forget what other people think about you. All that matters is what you think of yourself. You’re a beautiful person on the inside and outside and you have to believe that. I’m sure you’ll make new friends eventually.
Hey, I can relate to what your’e saying a lot. I have a similar story. If you ever want to talk feel free to message me.
yeah that sounds good, thanks, i havent met anyone that really gets what im about or how i feel ;/
See thats my problem all i do is care, mostly because half the time peoplehave no reason to dislike me or be nasty to me
Its not the bullying part that contributes the most to my suicidal tendancys, its more the just stress and givng up cos its all i seem to get i mean i cant even make friends anymore i dont no how to just because of whats happened. I undertsand im the same at the moment if i wanted to die i would have done it already but i still hold on, but the reasons for why i shouldnt die keep getting smaller each day.
Dying is hard and one of the main reasons behind the desire to Die
Haunted by the past that won’t go away, tormented by a future that is only imagined.
I wish it was as easy as saying a few words to make things better
I wish it was as easy as closing a book and picking up a new one
maybe it is…
But it seems we must work for that which no work is required.
Time progress the next moment arrives regardless of our past or imagined future.
The connections between the moments are the ones we create.
The Objective self is linear while the subjective self (the one we live with) does not concern itself with time or space. Subjectively everything, past, present and future happen all at once. It is here we create our pain. Surprising how little the objective world touches us.
The Subjective world seldom matches up with the objective world and so we suffer.
Science has measured that the time it takes to become aware of an objective event is a half a second. A half a second where the event is processed by the mind and filtered by the subjective self most of which is unconscious, the event arises to awareness partially illusion!
The martial artist and monk train themselves to decreases this time gap in order that they experience and respond to the moment/event and not react to an illusion. So we know it is possible, if not easy and there is no promise that comes with true consciousness.
Life requires dying, letting go of past moments and futures that do not exist, remaining present to the moments that are. Dying in this way is hard and sometimes it seems that it might be better if we just Die but that would be a illusion.