Relationships.

I suffer from bi-polar and social anxiety. I found someone who made my “normals” happier, brighter, less painful. However I kept hurting him during my “lows”, having delusions that I wanted to be on my own, and suchlike. But that was coming from my delusions, I didn’t mean it. But anyway, this time he said was the last time, he had enough of me hurting him through my lows and my constant breaking up him during my delusions, and begging him back when I came out of it.

So now he’s actually happy without me now, he’s found it so easy to throw 6 months away in 3 weeks. And I’m back to where I was before him. NEVER before had anyone lifted my normal up to something worthwhile. My normal constists of pointlessness, hopeleness, greyness, blandness. So tiring that the temptation of taking it all away for good, is there everyday. My lows are agony, torturous, instead of the usual hopeless grey, there’s suffocationg intense black, seeking to drown me and sink me into the abyss. At the same time, my highs are torturous too, the agony of do I let myself dare to dream and hope, and make plans for the future or not. And then actually believing that they’ll happen, making serious purchases in the dream that they come about….and of course they never do.

He lifted my normal to somewhere that I was actually learning how to smile and laugh for real, instead of faking it. But because of this thing in my head, I hurt him so much, that he just couldn’t give me ANOTHER last chance. And now he’ll never be mine ever again. I can’t eat, and whatever I do eat, I puke it back up, I can’t sleep, and whenever I do pass out through sheer exhaustion, I have the most hurtful and distressing dreams about him, and wake up crying. Love is no good, stay away from love. It is nothing but an agonising venom, a potent poison, all the more deadly as its taste is so sweet. Don’t put yourself through it.