It all went off just the way I had anticipated. Â And even stranger than that. I could hardly bring myself to say a mere “hello”. In the first fifteen minutes I found myself just standing aloof and staring at the walls while all the noises mingled in my ears. I don’t know why it was so hard and why I felt so much out of place, but it proved what I really was. Redundant. That is not surprising at all. I’m used to being a shadow.
At last when I finally mustered some courage to speak up, even the couple words I said sounded awkward to me. I’m sure they noticed it too. Or at least those few ones that stood close enough to hear me. Yep, there was a quick back “hi”, then they looked away again and returned to their lively conversation. I didn’t know how to act. So I just gave a sigh, leaned against the wall not to block the way for those passing through, and pretended I wasn’t there.
The wait was the worst of all. The class that was supposed to be never took place. An hour and a half of silence. They buzzed, I stayed mute. Then, when I could no longer take it, I tried asking questions, even made myself smile a bit. No reaction. Of course I was prepared for ignorance, but jeez, that was hideous. After I had to leave for like two hours and then come back, they didn’t notice I wasn’t there, nor did they when I was, they just passed me by, didn’t even wanna look up.
During the final class I sat alone, never said a word, it was useless. And after it was over, they took off so quickly I couldn’t catch one of them. I am an outsider. I need to get used to it. Though I thought they would be interested to know I’m older and would be more willing to pay attention to me, but no, I was wrong, so wrong. They might have thought I was lying, because I don’t look my age at all, no matter how hard I try, it’s all fucking in vain! I can see that, and I still feel like a little girl, not like an adult. Why? What is the problem with me? I can never be one of them. Never.
1 comment
There weren’t many surprises in your post.
As the author of your experiences your classmate’s played their part and you played yours.
I too play the outsider role, or perhaps the role was chosen for me, either or doesn’t really matter. My ability to connect, or feel connected with a group or community has always been awkward.
I do better with one on one interaction and when in a group tend to be an observer. There is a part of me that wants to be accepted, that wants to be the fun one that wants to be what I imagine the other I’m observing to be…
Wanting life to be anything other then the life that shows up.
When I try to be that other person I failed badly, I prefer one on one interaction…
Do you see what I have done, making myself miserable trying to fit in to what I can only imagine I am supposed to.
Feeling lonely because those I observed appeared to be livelier then myself. Denying the reality that I don’t usually enjoy group interactions even when in those moments I do fit in, they never feel real to me.
Where did this command that everyone must experience life in the same way come from? That only in a group we can be known, that only if we are acknowledged by the group that we are acknowledged as an individual.
Always looking for what is not there, I found it! Life became what wasn’t there.
When the ground you attempt to stand isn’t their all you can do is fall.
Is it a wonder that unhappiness follows?
Would it surprise you to learn that most people within a group don’t feel they are a part of the group?
That everyone feels like they are pretending in some way, not being true to themselves in some way. That most people are pretending!
The blessed recognize that they are more than the personas/roles they play. That some roles require of them to act as if they know and when they learn different they do different. The role in the moment is just that.
The cursed are the ones that believe that the persona is the person; the cursed identify the part for the whole and lose themselves, always comparing themselves to the illusion of the other they perceive.
Save yourself some time and grief. Work on one objective at a time, keep is simple, keep it clear, and don’t attach yourself to the result. Life is a practice, learn better do better, the next moment arrives regardless.