Feeling really insecure about my scars.. They are fading away and i don’t know what to make of that. I am not feeling depressed today (I am currently in my ‘happy’ cycle) but all I can think about is cutting.. especially on my arms. They have faded so much, I loved the look of them and now they are gone… I am so confused with these feelings.
When I crash into my ‘Depressed Cycle’ Â I know I will cut, badly. Guess I am just waiting. . . . and it won’t be long now.
9 comments
Isn’t it a good thing that your scars are fading? That way no one will know that you used to cut.
The scars are beautiful, I understand.
I love just looking at them, it’s like it is art. I have this recent cut thats deeper than the others and I find it beautiful.
Like i say, the scars are the only real thing in my life – the scars are the part of me that I don’t have to pretend.
If that makes any sense.
@hazelleyes, it makes more sense to me than you would expect. I often run my fingers over them, and stare at them in the mirror. I felt so confused when i found that others regretted their scars or ended up hating them. I have always loved them. They remind me of being happy, because after cutting that was how i felt.
Or at least I thought i felt that way. I don’t know how i feel now.
My boyfriend calls me ‘Tiger’ because of my scars and i love him for it, whereas my mum looks disgusted or worried when she sees them. She suggests bio-oil to fade them and worries that i hate them although i have told her many times that i love them.
@Dave_N, There is no point trying to avoid the fact. I am a cutter. My scars define me as who i am, what i have been through and what i still struggle with. I do not care who knows and what others think of them. I don’t mind if the whole world knew.
That is why I don’t want them to fade. They are a part of me, it would be like your foot fading away.
Even if you never see this reply, i want you to know that i am NOT ashamed of my scars. And why should I be?
Solace, maybe you are ambivalent about the scars.
I feel the same, My scars are fading on my arm and i feel like im losing the only part i could control. My friends tell me that i should be ashamed of them and happy that no one will see them, but i dont want them to.
I don’t understand how can someone cut themselves, i’ve tried it, but i simply can’t do it.
But my loneliness does cut and kill my feelings and will to live.
I managed to stop cutting a couple years ago. It was extremely hard but it’s possibly. I suggest you try it.. Yes I know it’s addicting and comforting but you will feel a lot better once you stop.. Even if you fail the first time.. Keep on trying Til you have fully stopped and all the temptations are gone
I’m still trying to understand the reasons behind cutting. I’ve accidentally cut myself with knives before and I know it’s painful, so I could never do it purposefully. It seems like a coping strategy for turning emotional pain into physical pain?
@catchthebus, no ambivalent means being in two minds about something, not being sure. I know that i love my scars and i am upset that they are fading. I don’t want to stop cutting, so i would have to say that is a definite no.
@lonelyinside, this is exactly how i feel. My scars are part of me and i love them, why would i be ashamed of them? Sometimes people don’t understand unless they have lived through SH. Although having said that, some SH’s don’t understand it either. All i can say is be proud of them, love them and make more if they fade.
@PureBlueLight, the way someone copes is a very unique and personal thing. I know many people who would never cut themselves and instead cry, scream, exercise etc. It’s different for everyone.
@kimmm, why did you stop cutting? I honestly still struggle with this ‘need’ to stop. I have only ever tried to stop cutting for the benefit of others. It hurts my family and boyfriend so i have tried to stop for them, but i still don’t understand why i would give something up that helps me through the struggle of life. It could even potentially help steer me away from suicide, alcohol/drug abuse etc.
@Dave_N, accidentally cutting yourself with a knife and sitting down with a razor, savouring the cutting, seeing the blood and planning where your scars should be are two COMPLETELY different things. Also, i don’t find it that painful.. I never have. There are many reasons people cut themselves other than feeling pain. I personally love seeing my blood, caring for the wounds, planning placement for the scars and the rush of adrenaline you get.. the only happiness you are able to feel.
Having said that, cutting is not for everyone, so i get why you find it hard to understand (to put it in your words).
Thank you to everyone who replied, it really helped knowing that i wasn’t talking to a blank wall.
Feel free to continue replying if you read my replies and have something to say.